Santa Paws popular with pets

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 20/11/2018 (2800 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

If you spot me wandering around the frozen-food aisle at the grocery store this week, you will probably notice my knuckles dragging on the ground and the fact my normally booming voice is more like a croak.

There is a simple explanation for this, by which I mean the (bad word) joy and magic of Christmas.

What I’m trying to say is that last Sunday, for the 12th straight year, I spent four hours sweltering like a Butterball turkey inside a red-velvet suit to portray Jolly Old St. Nick at the first of two Pet Pics with Santa Paws fundraisers in support of the Winnipeg Humane Society.

There I was Sunday, sitting on the throne in Santa’s Village in the atrium of the Winnipeg Free Press building, which is where the first Pet Pics event was held — I will tell you about the second one in a bit — having my photo taken with hundreds of jittery dogs and cats, many of whom were not entirely enthusiastic about sitting on the lap of a large man with an obviously fake beard.

You probably think it is a piece of cake portraying Santa for other people’s pets, but let me tell you it is easily the most physically demanding thing I do all year long, with the possible exception of walking up the stairs to my office cubicle when the elevator and the escalator are out of order.

For the record, Santa’s job at Pet Pics consists of the following key responsibilities:

• Attempting to look as jolly as humanly possible while simultaneously being covered in a thick layer of dog drool and cat hair;
• Yelling for Mrs. Claus to come and wipe the dog drool off of his eyeglasses, because a pet overcome with the magic of the season has attempted to stick its tongue up Santa’s nasal cavity;
• Physically restraining large, rambunctious dogs who, with the same force as a snowplow, are trying to leap off Santa’s lap because the photographer or one of the elves has just squeaked a squeaky toy in a sincere effort to get them to look into the camera lens.

Seriously, every year, Santa has to rely on his G.I. Joe Kung Fu grip to cling to the collars of dogs the size of grizzly bears as they attempt to flee Santa’s village and roam around the atrium of the Free Press searching for a place to do the Wee Wee of Joy.

Which explains why, every year after portraying Santa Paws, this columnist’s arms have been stretched to the point where they are roughly six inches longer than they are during the non-festive season.

It’s the same with Santa’s voice, because his vocal cords take a serious bruising when he has to spend four hours chortling things such as: “Ho Ho Ho! Who’s a good boy? Spike is a good boy, isn’t he? Isn’t he? Ho Ho… Oh NOOOO! COME BACK HERE, SPIKE!!!”

Let me stress, however, that I am not complaining. The truth is — and I mean this from the bottom of my otherwise Grinch-y heart — I love doing this every year. For me, Pet Pics kicks off the holiday season and transforms an overweight, curmudgeonly newspaper columnist into a curmudgeonly newspaper columnist with a stupid grin on his face.

It does Santa’s chilly little heart good to see how much Winnipeggers love their pets. And trust Santa, Winnipeggers REALLY LOVE their pets. On Sunday, we literally had hundreds of dogs and cats, most of whom were decked out in fuzzy novelty antlers, incandescent holiday sweaters, and collars festooned with bells and bows and sparkles.

Most of the owners were also decked out in their holiday finest, such as four young people who showed up in matching seasonal sweaters so bright they could be seen from the International Space Station.

Not to mention the young married couple who arrived wearing Christmas onesies decorated with festive lights. After having their photo taken with their two dogs, the young couple sauntered away, which is when Santa noticed the butt flaps of their onesies featured a humorous holiday message that we cannot reprint in a family newspaper.

“Ha ha ha,” the young woman told Santa. “We didn’t notice the writing on the flaps until after we bought them.”

Over the course of the past 12 years, I have experienced the joy of having some pretty large dogs sitting on my lap at Pet Pics. This Sunday, however, I came face-to-muzzle with the largest pet I have ever seen in my life, a St. Bernard easily the size of a Clydesdale horse.

“How much does your dog weigh?” Santa asked the owner.

“Oh, he’s 220 pounds,” the owner chirped proudly. 

Which is when Santa turned to his smallest elf — Pet Pics rookie Pam Greenlay, who could fit in Santa’s pocket — and said: “Good luck getting him up on Santa’s throne!”

But, in the true spirit of Christmas, Elf Pam threw herself into the task and before you could say “Tee Hee Hee!” that humongous St. Bernard was pushed into place and posing for a photo that will be a cherished holiday memory for his family for years to come.

“I have really been blessed with some amazing volunteers over the years,” is what photographer Frank Adam, who has been donating his time to Pet Pics for the past 24 years, said of his squad of industrious volunteer elves.

So it was a special day for everyone, especially for Santa, because despite being a battle-hardened Jolly Old Elf, he became a misty-eyed puddle of red-velvet goo when a little girl raced up to him and presented him with a hand-painted picture of her dog, then gave Santa the biggest hug he has had in years.

“She insisted on painting that for you,” is what her mom said, sporting a smile that stretched from ear to ear.

The best news is that there is a second Pet Pics fundraiser being held Grey Cup Sunday (Nov. 25) from noon to 4 p.m. at Petland, 2355 McGillivray Blvd. You get one photo for $15 and three for $30, with the proceeds going to the humane society. Before coming — to Petland, not the Free Press — make sure to book an appointment at adamyorkphotography.com. Click on “pet pics” and scroll down to the register button.

And, if you happen to be a cat, please be advised there are NO mice hiding in Santa’s beard. Thank you!

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca