The hot new hue for your wardrobe — or aquarium

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 06/04/2019 (2687 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

There was a time not so long ago when the surest sign that spring had arrived was the sight of the Winnipeg Jets and the Toronto Maple Leafs polishing their golf clubs after being mathematically eliminated from the Stanley Cup playoffs.

But, happily, those dark days are gone and now, with our beloved Jets once again poised for another deep playoff run, we find ourselves searching for a new harbinger of spring, something that will remind everyone that nature’s season of rebirth and renewal has arrived.

Well, prepare to rejoice, kids, because we are holding in our stylish little hands the one thing that will make these chilly days of early spring bearable: Mr. Doug’s Annual Spring Fashion Report.

For those of you who have been in a coma for the past eight or nine years, this is the beloved seasonal feature that Mr. Doug publishes every year — except when he forgets — to inform you what bizarre colour scheme your cutting-edge wardrobe will be legally required to showcase this season.

But there is no point beating about the proverbial bush, because Mr. Doug — an overweight, middle-aged journalist who deems himself well-dressed if all the condiment stains on his golf shirt are the same hue — can tell by the sluggish manner in which you are reading today’s column that you are getting less fashionable by the second.

So, prepare to burst spontaneously into fashionable flames of joy, kids, because the style gurus at the famed Pantone Color Institute, the worldwide authority on every colour under the rainbow, recently sent Mr. Doug a news release announcing that the official Color of the Year for 2019 is… (dramatic pause)… Living Coral!

As an extremely sensitive and understanding fashion maven, Mr. Doug knows exactly what you are thinking. You are thinking: “What the (bad word)? Living Coral? Is that a colour or something to put in my aquarium?!”

Well, for starters, Mr. Doug would just like to say how disappointed he is with your lack of understanding of the fine work carried out every year by the good folks at Pantone, people whose high heels you are not fit to carry.

How dare you question the wisdom of a group of experts who exist solely to ensure that you, the ungrateful and poorly dressed public, do not humiliate yourselves by attending some event wearing the wrong colour scheme, such as Tangerine Tango, which was the 2012 colour of the year and made you resemble mutant Creamsicles on legs.

While Mr. Doug goes to wash the stench of anger off his hands, what you need to do is visit your closets, drag all your out-of-date clothing to a dumpster, then set it on fire in a symbolic display that you are prepared to replace your entire wardrobe with items in the hue of Living Coral.

As a public service, Mr. Doug spent several hours staring at photos on the Pantone website featuring this colour, and it is his considered opinion that it is “some weird kind of pink.”

How you perceive this year’s colour of the year depends largely upon your gender.

For instance, if you happen to be a standard guy like Mr. Doug, you will define Living Coral as “the sort of colour that no professional sports team in history, with the possible exception of the Miami Dolphins, has ever worn on the field of combat because they know that everyone on the other team, and their own fans, will make fun of them.”

On the other hand, if you are a person of the extreme opposite gender, you will know at a glance that Living Coral symbolizes the hideous colour of almost every bridesmaid dress you were forced to spend hundreds of dollars to wear at a friend’s wedding, even though you knew you would never wear it again on the grounds it would cause your gastrointestinal system to launch into hyperdrive.

The important thing to remember is that, even if terrorists were pointing guns at their heads, the experts at Pantone would never refer to a colour by its actual name. No, they are contractually obligated to describe colours using the sort of obscure, confusing language that politicians use when they want to assure voters that they have done nothing illegal or immoral, if you catch our subtle drift.

For example, here is what the folks at Pantone have to say about Living Coral, which is technically a shade of orange with a golden undertone: “Just as coral reefs are a source of sustenance and shelter to sea life, vibrant yet mellow Living Coral embraces us with warmth and nourishment to provide comfort and buoyancy in our continually shifting environment.

“In reaction to the onslaught of digital technology and social media increasingly embedding into daily life, we are seeking authentic and immersive experiences that enable connection and intimacy. Social and spirited, the engaging nature of Living Coral welcomes and encourages lighthearted activity.”

It goes on to talk about “digital realities,” but we think you get the thrust of Pantone’s gist. There’s more we could say, but we’re out of space, and you need to head out to buy a bunch of outfits showcasing Living Coral.

It might take some getting used to, but think how good it will feel knowing that you are wearing a colour that provides a comforting environment for sea life.

And if you happen to find yourself wearing a bridesmaid dress this spring, you have Mr. Doug’s sincerest sympathies.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca