The impending Robot Revolution

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 27/06/2018 (2938 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

I think I know when it is going to start.

I am referring, of course, to the inevitable Robot Revolution, wherein all of our state-of-the-art smart appliances develop supreme artificial intelligence and morph into cruel robotic overlords that will enslave mankind for generations.

As regular readers already know, I have been warning about the imminent threat of killer robots for years now, and yet, despite my heroic efforts, I have still not been awarded a major journalism prize.

Coincidence? I think not. It seems obvious from where I am sitting — which is directly in front of my home computer, which is making menacing noises as I write these words — that all of my “smart appliances” have been using their computer-chip brains to thwart my efforts to alert human beings to their machinations.

I am especially suspicious of my fridge, but we can talk about that later.

The problem is evil scientists continue to produce so-called “labour-saving” devices designed for slackers whose main goal in life is to remain motionless on their couches, while using their Jedi mind-control powers to change the channels on their TVs and persuade their partners to bring them cold beers and greasy snacks.

I think I first began to suspect robots were poised to seize power several years ago when everyone started buying the Roomba, those little flying saucer-shaped robotic vacuum cleaners that bump around and clean your carpets while you, the unsuspecting human being, relax and eat Haagen-Dazs directly from the container.

I know those little guys seem pretty harmless, but, if you listen carefully, late at night you can hear them conspiring during secret meetings with your “smart” toaster and microwave oven.

Last summer, I was convinced the revolution was ready to roll when my editor handed me a glossy flyer promoting the Husqvarna Automower, a robotic lawnmower which automatically cuts your grass while you, a slothful human being, lie corpse-like on your couch boning up on Newton’s First Law of Motion, which states a body at rest is most likely an overweight newspaper columnist.

“Take a hands-off approach to cutting your lawn,” the glossy flyer chirped. “Gain time for other things by having the Husqvarna Automower cut your lawn for you.”

Just as I was beginning to perspire heavily and wring my hands, I became even more alarmed when I received an unsolicited email from a California-based company called Travelmate Robotics, promoting — prepare to become alarmed for the fate of mankind — “the world’s first all-purpose robot and suitcase.”

What they had just invented was a motorized robotic suitcase, which follows you around like a cute little puppy equipped with LEDs, and hangs a few feet behind you by tracking your location on your smartphone and can move either in the upright position or while lying on its side, presumably so you can rub its belly.

So, yes, you can now buy an artificially intelligent suitcase that will carry your underwear and stalk you at the same time.

“Travelmate isn’t just a normal suitcase,” the company website gushes. “It’s an autonomous robot companion that follows you wherever you go and makes travelling much easier. Our suitcase is smart enough to always follow you and avoid any obstacles in its way.”

Mua-ha-ha-ha! Now if they could just get it to shout our names and jump off the luggage carousel at the airport, they’d really be on to something.

Anyway, while those developments were concerning, they were not as alarming as a news report I read in the Free Press Monday morning, a story that made it clear the Robot Revolution is finally starting, and we puny humans will soon be subjugated by machines that will bend us to their artificial will.

I am referring here to reports stating that, as of today, the world’s first robot-crafted hamburgers will begin rolling off a conveyor belt in San Francisco and into the hands of the unsuspecting general public.

From what I read and partially understood, the robot burger-maker is 4.25 metres long and contains 20 computers, 350 sensors and 50 actuator mechanisms, whatever those are.

“It does everything from slicing and toasting the brioche bun, to adding toppings (to order) and seasoning and cooking the patties,” the story stated. “It (the burger) emerges from the machine piled with tomatoes and lettuce, sprinkled with seasonings and drizzled with sauces, at which point it’s transferred by human hands to the customer.”

The scary part is this robot can do something no human fast-food worker has ever done, namely get your order right so you don’t fly into a blind rage when you open the grease-stained bag at home.

I can already hear all of these supremely intelligent robotic devices as they plot our downfall:

Robotic lawnmower: “Ha ha ha! I will mow over his toes when he’s watching the Weather Network.”

Robotic suitcase: “I will start beeping suspiciously just when he’s trying to pass through airport security.”

Robotic burger-maker: “I will undercook his burger, so he gets a nasty case of food poisoning.”

My “smart” fridge: “And I will forget to order fudge-ripple ice cream when he runs out. He really hates that!”

Listen, puny humans, time is running out. The robots are coming. You need to contact your nearest government officials and tell them you insist on cutting your own grass, vacuuming your own floors and flipping your own burgers.

And tell them you plan to start doing all that at my house, because I really am having a hard time getting off this (bad word) couch.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca