The wurst of times

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 10/07/2021 (1726 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Even among champions, Joey “Jaws” Chestnut is a champion.

No other “athlete” has dominated their “sport” quite the way the world’s No. 1 competitive eater has over the past 15 years. On Sunday, Chestnut easily put the bite on his rivals — and emerged as the ultimate wiener — capturing his 14th Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Contest in dominant fashion.

Chestnut downed an astonishing 76 franks and buns in 10 minutes, one more than he did in setting the men’s record last year, when the contest unfolded without fans because of the coronavirus pandemic.

“It just felt good,” Chestnut, of Westfield, Ind., told ESPN after capturing yet another mustard belt. “Even if I was uncomfortable, having everybody cheer me and push me, it made me feel good.”

Chestnut — who gobbled 45 franks in the first five minutes — has now won 14 of the last 15 hot dog-eating contests since taking down six-time defending champion Takeru Kobayashi in 2007, with his only loss in 2015 to Matt Stonie.

The chow-down champ has now won a title in a single event more than anyone else — more than Tom Brady (seven-time Super Bowl champ and five-time Super Bowl MVP) or Rafael Nadal (13 French Open titles) or NBA Hall of Famer Bill Russell (11 titles in 13 years).

But Chestnut’s hot dog heroics are not the only thing keeping tube steaks in the headlines, as we see from today’s delicious list of Five Fabulously Frank News Stories:

5) Let’s be frank: Science vs. Sausages

Totally tubular: For anyone watching Joey Chestnut gobble his way to yet another hot dog-eating record on July 4, it’s hard not to wonder just how many hot dogs a single human being is capable of stuffing down their gullet. Well, wonder no more.

In 2020, Prof. James Smoliga, who teaches physiology at North Carolina’s High Point University, set out to determine the upper limits of human hot dog endurance. Smoliga is a professor of physiology specializing in sports science, the kind of field where researchers use mathematical formulas to determine how fast and far a human could possibly run, or what heights a person could reach while jumping. Last year he made headlines when he applied his skills to a unique area of athleticism — determining how many hot dogs a human being could potentially eat in 10 minutes. His findings were published in the scholarly journal Biology Letters.

And for the record, the answer is about 84 hot dogs, give or take. “People are always asking just how fast can a human run, or how fast can a human swim or something like that. What’s the biological limits of performance?” Smoliga told CBC News last July. “When I was reading some of the literature and some of the mathematical models trying to estimate these types of things … it occurred to me that the patterns that we see in track-and-field type of athletes … are actually very similar to what I suspected the Coney Island hot dog eating contest would reveal.”

He analyzed data from about four decades of Nathan’s Famous Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest. “So by figuring out what the greatest possible deviation that we could have from this equation or this pattern, we can combine that with what the threshold or the plateau the pattern ends up being, add those two things together and figure out that it seems like the absolute limit is somewhere between 83 and 84 hot dogs.” He doesn’t expect anyone to hit that mark in the near future.

 

4) Let’s be frank: Tube Steaks vs. Squat Dogs

Totally tubular: We should probably get one thing straight — if it’s not shaped like a tiny meat torpedo, it’s not a hot dog, right? Well, think again, because a New Jersey butcher is making headlines and blowing up social media by reinventing the traditional frankfurter.

Rastelli’s butcher shop, which delivers everywhere in the U.S., has introduced a new line of flat, round hot dogs, a revolutionary shape it says offers more bite surface, more platform for condiments and a perfect fit on a hamburger bun. “We set out to improve the hot dog,” a Rastelli’s rep told Fox News of the flat frankfurter, which it created in response to soaring customer demand for pre-cut dogs.

“Our customers were accustomed to slicing their hot dog down the middle before grilling to increase surface area for caramelization and flavour,” the meat merchant said of the squat dogs, which cost $18 for eight three-ounce patties, but are sold out online. “So when the really busy moms and dads asked if we had any pre-sliced hot dogs, we started thinking.” They felt the disc-like design allowed for more space to hold different sauces like a condiment canvas, rather than the traditional sausage link shape, from which toppings can easily tumble.

The new shape makes life simpler because “now we only have to buy one type of bun when we barbecue.” Not surprisingly, the flat dogs have sparked an intense online debate. Food and Wine Magazine’s senior editor Maria Yagoda offered a rave review, noting, “The meat is clearly high quality, and the increased surface area invites more a) sweet char flavour and b) space for toppings.”

But traditionalists are crying foul with a single word — Baloney! “It’s great that someone has developed a marketing tool for another way to enjoy hot dogs,” Eric Mittenthal, the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council (NHDSC) president, sniffed. “But the flat hot dogs are also known as bologna.”

 

3) Let’s be frank: Buns vs. Wieners

Totally tubular: It is a mystery for the ages — Why are the number of hot dog wieners in a pack and the number of hot dog buns always mismatched? Tube steak fans will be delighted to hear that food giant Heinz Ketchup Canada has decided the time has come to level the hot dog playing field by ensuring there are equal numbers of weenies and buns in packages sold in grocery stores.

The condiment maker made global headlines this month when it launched an online petition to champion the hot-dog-to-bun ratio issue on behalf of frank fans throughout North America. “Hot dog wieners come in packs of 10. Hot dog buns come in packs of 8. WHY?!” Heinz asks on its change.org petition. “As the condiment that has been bringing foods together for over 150 years, we’ve decided enough is enough. That’s why we started the Heinz Hot Dog Pact.

We’re calling on Big Bun and Big Wiener companies to find the answer to this hot dog packaging mismatch, once and for all. We need your signatures more than ever. Let’s change hot dog history together.” Shortly after noon Wednesday, the petition had almost 6,000 signatures. “I’m signing this because eating those last two hot dogs on sandwich bread is soul-crushing and bad for my mental health,” one signer snorted.

So why are dogs and buns packed in unequal numbers? Explains the NHDSC: “When hot dog buns were introduced, hot dogs were sold in varying quantities at the butcher shop. Not until 1940 were hot dogs packaged the way we currently see them in the grocery store. When manufacturers began packaging hot dogs, they chose the 10 to the pack formula,” the council’s website says. “Sandwich rolls, or hot dog buns, most often come eight to the pack because the buns are baked in clusters of four in pans designed to hold eight rolls.

While baking pans now come in configurations that allow baking 10 and even 12 at a time, the eight-roll pan remains the most popular.” In Heinz-sight, that is sheer madness.

 

2) Let’s be frank: Hot dogs vs. Social Graces

Totally tubular: In a nation as famously polite as Canada, hot dog lovers can be forgiven for asking whether there is a proper way to consume a grilled wiener cloaked in a partially sliced bun. The polite answer, of course, is “Yes!” But the proper protocol for chowing down on a delicious dog varies, depending on which side of the border you call home.

In the True North Strong and Free, the suave folks at Maple Leaf Foods unveiled their Canadian Hot Dog Etiquette Guide in 2019 to help Canucks digest this beloved food with the requisite dignity. “Notably, the new Maple Leaf-authored etiquette rejects the common rule popularized in Chicago that ketchup is a no-no on hot dogs, pointing out that for Canadians, ‘reaching for ketchup is as natural a reflex as gripping a hockey stick.’”

The guide also sanctions gravy and cheese curds on hot dogs, encourages hand-held eating and underscores the appropriateness of eating dogs with mittens and gloves in Canada. “In particular, goalies should never remove gloves while eating hot dogs during a game, cautioning that ‘it’s too risky to the knuckles,’” it notes. In sharp contrast, slathering ketchup on a hot dog is a serious faux pas south of the border. “No matter how you top it, any hot dog is delicious,” hot dog council president Eric Mittenthal sniffed in a recent press release. “Well, except for (hot dogs) with ketchup. The NHDSC etiquette guide says only children should eat their hot dogs with ketchup.” If you’re over 18, never slap ketchup on a dog, the council’s online guide warns.

Acceptable toppings include “mustard, relish, onions, cheese and chili,” and there’s a correct order for applying condiments, starting with “wet” toppings like mustard or chili, and followed by “chunky” condiments such as onion or sauerkraut, and finishing with shredded cheese and spices. Toppings should always be put on the dog itself, and not “between the hot dog and the bun,” the hot dog council growls. Also, only eat them with your hands in the U.S. and never take more than five bites to finish a dog.

 

1) Let’s be frank: Hot dog vs. Sandwich

Totally tubular: Star Wars vs. Star Trek. Pepsi vs. Coke. Starbucks vs. Tim’s. Katy Perry vs. Taylor Swift. Look, there have been a lot of great debates through the ages, but none of them burn with the same intensity as this one: Is it a hot dog or is it a (bad word) sandwich? If you think we’re kidding, Google it for yourself.

It’s a question that has inspired heated debate on message boards, at picnic tables and in ballparks throughout the world for decades, with everyone from Oscar winners to Supreme Court justices weighing in. Even the dictionary folks Merriam-Webster have weighed in, declaring their support for the sandwich side, because “the definition of sandwich is ‘two or more slices of bread or a split roll having a filling in between.’”

So they declared on their website: “There is no sensible way around it … a hot dog is also a kind of sandwich.” Which sounds wishy-wash to us and a lot of other frankfurter fans. As famed foodie Anthony Bourdain once snorted: “The bread is a delivery system, a ballistic delivery system. It is not a classic sandwich, in my view. If you were to (walk) into any vendor of fine hot dogs, and ask for a hot dog sandwich, they would probably report you to the FBI.”

In Canada, Maple Leaf’s etiquette guide says a hot dog should never be called a sandwich. According to the guide, “hot dogs are sacred in Canada, and the name stands with or without the presence of bread. But a sandwich without the bread is just — well, ingredients.” The hot dog council perhaps said it best in a 2015 policy statement: “As the official voice of hot dogs and sausages, the NHDSC is primed to settle this debate once and for all, and our verdict is… a hot dog is an exclamation of joy, a food, a verb describing one ‘showing off’ and even an emoji. It is truly a category unto its own. Limiting the hot dog’s significance by saying it’s ‘just a sandwich’ is like calling the Dalai Lama ‘just a guy.’”

Also, ESPN does not broadcast sandwich-eating contests.

 

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca