There’s plenty of Cancon to hate us for

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 11/06/2018 (2961 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Grab a family-sized box of Kleenex, kids, because I have sad news — it appears U.S. President Donald Trump hates us.

Personally, I have no problem with that, but the tragic fact is it also appears Trump is hating on Canada for entirely the wrong reasons.

For instance — and unless you have been hiding on a turnip truck, you already know this — during a chat with our ridiculously handsome prime minister, Justin Trudeau, Trump defended his decision to impose trade tariffs on Canada on national security grounds.

During the testy call he asked Trudeau: “Didn’t you guys burn down the White House?”

Well, let me think about that for a moment, Mr. Trump. I wasn’t a shining light in history class in high school, but I guess the answer is no, we didn’t!

In fact, we didn’t even become a nation until 1867, which is quite a while after British troops did burn down the White House in 1814, as part of the War of 1812, after a U.S. invasion of what is now Ontario.

So, you can’t pin the rap for that on us, Mr. President, considering we didn’t actually exist at the time.

As he prepared to travel to Canada for the big G7 summit last weekend, The Donald kind of doubled down on his hate-on for Canada when he tweeted this (sic): “Prime Minister Trudeau is being so indignant, bringing up the relationship that the U.S. and Canada had over the many years and all sorts of other things… but he doesn’t bring up the fact that they charge us up to 300% on dairy — hurting our Farmers, killing our Agriculture!”

Look, Mr. President, Canadians have broad shoulders and are mature enough to accept the fact you don’t particularly like us, but we’d prefer it if you hated us for the right reasons, so here’s a helpful guide, featuring the Top 10 Legitimate Reasons for Americans to Hate the True North Strong and Free:

Reason No. 1: We are literally too nice. We know how galling this must be for Americans. It’s not just that Canadians are super nice; it’s also that we KNOW we are super nice, and we are kind of smug about that fact, but in a nice way. According to Maclean’s magazine, researchers from McMaster University (that’s in Canada, by the way) studied the way people talk on Twitter and found Canadians, surprise, are far more polite, using words such as “favourite,” “gorgeous,” “great” and “amazing,” whereas Americans favoured negative words such as “damn,” “hate,” “bored” and “annoying.”

Reason No. 2: When Canadian youths travel through Europe (it’s kind of a rite of passage), they traditionally stick a maple-leaf symbol (OK, the Canadian flag) on their backpacks, so that residents of other nations will not mistake them for loud-mouthed Americans. In fact, a lot of Americans do the same thing, because they feel safer having people mistake them for Canadians. They often give themselves away by their inability to speak Canadian. “Yeah, I’m from, um, Skatchasketawan, eh?”

Reason No. 3: We don’t feel morally obligated to own handguns. As hard as this may be to believe, Canadians are able to disagree on everyday issues — football, popular music, Roseanne — without having to resolve their disputes in a hail of bullets. For example, if it’s -50 C and the bus is 30 minutes late, when a Canadian climbs on board his or her first instinct is NOT to shoot the driver. No, we just say “sorry” and wait for our hands to thaw, so we can post something snarky on Twitter, sort of like the president.

Reason No. 4: Everyone else in the entire world cannot stop commenting on what a dreamboat our prime minister is. So, unlike the president of the United States, when Justin Trudeau imagines that everyone else wants to sleep with him, he’s not just imagining it.

Reason No. 5: We invented more cool things than you can shake a (polite Canadian word) hockey stick at. We’re talking the garbage bag, cellphones, insulin, peanut butter, basketball and (ahem) the Wonderbra. More importantly, however, Canada gets the credit for three of the most famous foods in history, the kind of culinary creations that cause Donald Trump to produce his own weight in drool, namely: poutine, Nanaimo bars and Kraft Dinner. So, our hearts are exploding with more than national pride, if you catch our high-fat drift.

Reason No. 6: We sent you William Shatner, America. Yes, one of your most beloved overactors is, in fact, Canadian. Before he was Capt. James T. Kirk on the starship Enterprise, Shatner was Ranger Bob on The Canadian Howdy Doody Show. We sent him south because we figured the U.S. could stand a little more Canadian content. It is safe to say no one can deliver a line like Bill Shatner. Or. Should. We. Say. No. One. Can. Deliver. A. Line. Like. Shatner. Sorry. About. That. Eh.

Reason No. 7: We also sent you Céline Dion. Near, far, wherever you are… you can’t escape the sound of that (bad Canadian word) voice that makes you feel as if you have just been sucker punched in the eardrums by a bunch of really angry angels. OK, we don’t know what that means, but we are sorry. Also, your heart will go on.

Reason No. 8: We also sent you Justin Bieber. That, in and of itself, is more than enough reason for an entire country to hate the sight of Canada and refuse to send it Christmas cards. Hard to defend a guy who buys a monkey, then abandons it in Germany. Look, even Canadians hate themselves a little bit over this guy. At least we didn’t dump toxic waste on your side of the border, right?

Reason No. 9: Our beer is so much better. Canadian beer is famous for having a higher alcohol content than its American counterpart. Or at least we think it is. It certainly goes better with Timbits.

Reason No. 10: Hockey. Sure, the Washington Capitals just won the Stanley Cup, but a lot more of their players are from Canada than the U.S. So, like, sorry for pointing that out. Two minutes for being honest.

Bonus reason: If you ask a Canadian when the War of 1812 was, unlike the president of the United States, they will know the right answer. Also, the Northwest Angle… pretty sure we’ll be annexing that any day now.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca