What mom really wants from you

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 11/05/2019 (2637 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Mother’s Day gifts are hard. I mean, what do you give the woman who literally gave you life? A scented candle? Yeah, that seems fair.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, Mother’s Day is Sunday, you deadbeats. But don’t stress. Here’s a gift guide from me, a person who is not a mom but has a mom and knows several moms.

First of all, it’s important to remember great gifts do not need to be things. In fact, the greatest gifts are almost never things. You don’t even have to spend a lot of (or any) money, but you do have to put in some effort.

For example, you could make an actual breakfast, using an actual recipe. Little kids can help, but, for the love of God, don’t let them be in charge of this task. No one wants cold toast and filled-to-the-brim juice glasses accompanied by a single flower plucked from someone else’s garden (sorry, mom, for Mother’s Day ’92, ’93 and ’94). Remember: you are celebrating a person who has caught human barf with her bare hand. You can handle making a frittata.

If you have little kids, you can also give mom a gift that’s not only easy and free, but one she really wants, which is to be left alone. Round up your household’s cutest, stickiest residents, get them to present their macaroni-and-glitter abominations to loving oohs and ahhs, then go away. That’s it! Entire gift, done. Just leave her alone. That way, she can spend a few precious Sunday hours doing whatever she wants, whether that’s taking an extra-long soak in the bath, enjoying an uninterrupted Netflix binge in bed or savouring a (hot) coffee that hasn’t been abandoned in a microwave.

Note: this is only a viable gift option if you are under the age of 12. If you are a teenager, your mom most definitely does not want you to leave her alone. She wants to spend lots and lots of time with you, her precious baby! Teens: go spend some QT with that lovable, embarrassing scamp of a mom — preferably in public. One day, you’ll cherish these memories. Adult children: call your mother, or send her a card. Better yet, visit.

Now, while I think we can all agree that “not having money” ranks high among a baby’s most defining features, babies are not exempt from Mother’s Day gifting. In fact, if there’s any demographic of children that owes mom a veritable parade of appreciation, it’s babies. Even if you think the baby itself is a gift, Mother’s Day is about gifts that don’t poop up your arm. And those gifts should include a few poop-free hours of silence. Give the gift of self-care and/or a nap. Visiting a brand-new mom on Sunday? Bring food, offer to do a household task and don’t stay too long.

If you absolutely must buy something in a store, get something specific, like her favourite treat, otherwise you will be forced to choose something from very limited mom-giftware categories, which include Gardening Mom, Kitchen Mom, Sassy Saying Mom, Yoga Mom, #MomLife Mom and Wine Mom. There is no Weed Mom. A “Mommy juice” wine glass is a culturally acceptable gift, but a bong labelled “Mommy medicine” is still a call to CFS.

Beware of gifting fresh-cut flowers. You might think you’re giving your mom a beautiful bouquet, but really you’re just handing her a bunch of chores. Cut ’em and put them in a vase for her.

If you want to get really ambitious, you can think beyond Mother’s Day. Is your mom the air traffic controller of your house? Brainstorm some ways you can make her life easier. Express gratitude for her labour, whether it’s unpaid or paid. Tell her you love her, but show her, too.

She literally gave you life, remember.

jen.zoratti@freepress.mb.ca

Twitter: @JenZoratti