Women know best: beards are awesome

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 21/11/2018 (2800 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, especially for hairy guys such as myself who sport scruffy beards.

I had always assumed that hirsute fellows, such as Santa and myself, were irresistible to elves of the opposite sex because we were such snappy dressers, and had charming personalities along with endearing senses of humour.

But it turns out it’s just our beards.

That is not just my humble opinion; it’s also the view of a team of crackerjack scientists who recently determined that women are far more attracted to guys endowed with a plentiful supply of scraggly facial hair.

No doubt hipsters — and mall Santas — around the world were celebrating recent news reports about a team of Australian researchers who, in the name of science, asked 8,250 women to evaluate photographs of guys in various stages of facial-hair growth.

The images, which had been manipulated by the research team to show the same men more or less bearded, showed the guys with clean-shaven faces, light stubble (five days of growth), heavy stubble (10 days of growth) and a thick beard representing about one month of growth.

Then, the women were asked to rate the men’s attractiveness for short-term or long-term romantic relationships.

The results, published in the Journal of Evolutionary Biology, could best be summarized by the following festive poem I have just made up: “If you ain’t got a beard, women think you look weird.”

OK, I am paraphrasing slightly, but basically, guys with a healthy crop of chin whiskers — this would include Santa and myself — were deemed to be more desirable than guys with pink cheeks.

“Overall, the women said the sexiest men were those sporting heavy stubble, followed by short stubble. Men with full beards and clean-shaven men were rated the lowest on the overall sexiness scale,” the New York Times reported.

“What kind of man is most attractive to a woman looking for a short-term fling or one-night stand? Men with light stubble won that contest, closely followed by men with heavier stubble, suggesting that the scruffy look appeals to women looking for fun, but not commitment,” the Times report said.

“But when it came to choosing a long-term partner, a guy with whom a woman could have babies or settle in for the duration, the more facial hair the better. Men with heavy stubble and full beards were the clear winners on this question, suggesting that men who are ready to commit might do better if they shave less often.”

Here’s what the study concluded:

“Beards may be more attractive to women when considering long-term than short-term relationships as they indicate a male’s ability to successfully compete socially with other males for resources.”

On the other hand, beards might just show we are too (bad word) lazy to shave and can’t afford razors, but I’m willing to go with the scientific notion that hairy guys are just more masculine.

Science aside, I know for a personal fact that guys with beards are more attractive. I base that on the fact that the only time I have not sported a beard, except when I was in kindergarten, came about 20 years ago at my brother’s wedding.

What happened was they served alcohol at this wedding, and a large group of friends got to talking about how they had never seen me without a beard, which led to an impromptu shaving party around 3 a.m. wherein all the guests, including the bride, took turns swilling champagne with one hand and shaving me with the other.

At the time, my wife, She Who Must Not Be Named, was excited about seeing me beardless for the first time, but she took one look at my shaved mug and snorted: “Ewww, you can grow it back now. You look like a really chubby 12-year-old boy.”

It was even worse when my then-six-year-old daughter stared bug-eyed at my naked face the next morning and howled: “I WANT MY DADDY BACK!!!”

So, yes, beards are best. But the big question is whether having a really awesome beard is enough, especially at this time of year when people are hoping to find true love under the Christmas tree.

Here’s an important fashion tip for bearded guys who want to make themselves even more irresistible over the holidays: make your facial hair look like a Christmas tree by decorating it with a string of teeny tiny lights.

You probably think I am kidding, but, sadly, I am not.

According to dozens of news stories I am holding in my hands, the online gift store Firebox.com is selling 18 tiny multicoloured bulbs, strung on a 90-centimetre wire that clips discreetly into your burly chin mane.

“They basically run through your beard hair — provided your beard is long enough, of course — and come complete with a tiny battery pack, so you don’t need to awkwardly stand next to a plug socket all through your Christmas dinner,” the BBC reported.

Once you’ve hung the lights, you can finish the job by decorating your facial fuzz with a set of 12 tiny Christmas ornaments being sold for US$11.99 by Beardaments.com from Salt Lake City, Utah.

“Get your beard excited for the holidays!” the website chirps. “Beardaments beard ornaments make a great Christmas gift for that furry-faced friend in your life.”

As a spokesman for all bearded guys in the immediate area, I have to say this is a brilliant holiday idea. I think everyone should festoon their super-sexy chin scruff with lights and ornaments this season.

On the upside, your face will look just like a Christmas tree, and you can sing: “O Christmas beard, O Christmas beard, how lovely are thy follicles.”

On the downside, if you decide to drink a glass of holiday cheer, you might get electrocuted.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca