All they wanted for Christmas

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 26/12/2014 (4218 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Twas the day after Christmas

And all ‘cross this town

All the kids were returning

Any gift that made ’em frown …

 

Dear Santa,

Thanks so much for the leadership campaign. You really shouldn’t have.

— Little Greggie Selinger

 

Dear Santa,

Thanks so much for giving me the courage to speak out against Little Greggie once it became abundantly clear I shouldn’t have voted for the PST hike.

— Little Terry Oswald

 

Dear Santa,

Five years ago, I asked you for a favour. You didn’t come through, but I was hoping you’d help a fellow northerner out. As you know, Thompson is pretty much the closest thing we have in Manitoba to the North Pole. So in the interest of good neighbourly relations, I’m sure you wouldn’t mind if I dropped by the workshop some day soon and asked all the elves to take out party memberships. Thanks a bunch, Santa. You’re the best.

— Little Stevie Ashton

 

Dear Santa,

I gotta say, stud — you keep coming up with awesome technological innovations. That iPad was a fantastic piece of work. That latest World of Warcraft expansion pack is awesome.

But if you don’t mind me saying so, I really don’t like that Facebook.

— Little Gordie Steeves

 

Dear Santa,

Over the years, you’ve been awfully kind to me. You handed me victories at the provincial level. You sent me to Ottawa a bunch of times. So why have I received lumps of coal two election years in a row?

I know I didn’t ask all that nicely for the Chain of Office in 2010, but no one was even using that thing this year. What gives?

— Little Judy Wasylycia-Leis

 

Dear Santa,

As you know, I’m one of your biggest fans. I think we share a lot in common, you and I. We like making people happy.

It goes without saying, but I owe you a big one. That said, I hope you don’t mind if I put in a request for Christmas 2015: Please make that RCMP investigation go away.

— Little BriBri Bowman

 

Dear Santa,

Thanks for having my back, Big Guy.

— Little Sammy Katz

 

Dear Santa,

Thanks for helping me out with that midterm election in the U.S. Thanks to you, it looks like we’re finally going to get that pipeline built.

Now if you don’t mind, could you maybe ask the elves over in your Saudi Arabian branch plant to maybe tighten up their grip on the old oil tap? I know you like the colour red, but we’re bleeding all over the place here.

— Little Stevie Harper

 

Dear Santa,

Thanks for everything you did for me in Colorado and Washington. You’ve made me look not like a radical, but part of the mainstream.

Just please don’t bogart that generosity when election time comes, man. Be kind, Big Dude.

— Little Justy Trudeau

 

Dear Santa,

I know Christmas has come and gone and everything, but am I getting a present this year? Hello? Anyone there?

— Little Thommy Mulcair

 

Dear Santa,

I know where you live.

— Little Kimmy Jong-Un

 

Dear Santa,

I truly appreciate this business with the killings and the protests. It’s really made my presidency all that more memorable.

Just make sure Hillary gets the same treatment, OK?

— Little Barry Obama

 

Dear Santa,

I don’t know where you found this Michael Hutchinson kid, but thank you, thank you, thank you.

— Little Kevie Cheveldayoff

 

Dear Santa,

I know you couldn’t deliver more goals, but I can’t get enough of those stacks of money. Thanks, man.

— Little Evander Kane

 

Dear Santa,

I loved the rookie placekicker. That was really thoughtful of you. I also loved getting a few more wins. You really know how to make a fellow big guy happy.

I don’t know what I did in the past, but I really gotta ask: Can you please take me off the naughty list? In 2015, it’ll be 25 years already.

— Little Wadey Miller

bartley.kives@freepress.mb.ca