I went No. 1 in city’s No. 1 public bathroom

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 21/09/2016 (3610 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

If you really have to go, you might as well go in style.

That’s what I was thinking on a sunny Tuesday evening when I wandered over to Assiniboine Park to test the amenities in one of this nation’s finest public restrooms.

Brace yourselves for some serious excitement, because the eye-catching facilities in the field beside the Lyric Theatre are among five finalists in the Canada’s Best Restroom Contest, organized by Cintas Canada Ltd., a company that provides restroom supplies and services.

As a crusading columnist, I should confess I am journalistically biased in favour of the park’s landmark restrooms because they are a five-minute walk from my front door.

What that means is, whenever the facilities in my home become clogged, which happens more than I’d care to admit, the Lyric Theatre’s upscale restrooms are my most geographically viable option, unless I want to pound on my neighbours’ doors, which I don’t.

A news release from Cintas stated the five finalists were selected based on cleanliness, visual appeal, innovation, functionality and unique design elements.

“This year’s nominees made it nearly impossible to narrow them down to only five finalists,” Cintas marketing manager Shawn King chirped in the breathless statement.

Feeling flushed with civic pride, I called a Cintas spokeswoman to discuss the glory that will be showered on our city if the park’s stunning stalls are declared Canada’s finest in the seventh annual contest.

“It’s definitely very exciting,” she told me. “This is the first time Winnipeg has been nominated. Just the publicity value itself is huge for the winner.”

With just a tiny bit of prompting, she agreed winning the crown would help turn any washroom from a drain on civic resources into a burgeoning tourist attraction.

“Some previous winners have said how much value the publicity has brought them,” she noted. “It’s definitely a lot of excitement and an increase in foot traffic.”

Along with bragging rights, the winner gets a nifty plaque and $2,500 in services to help keep their restroom ready to meet the needs of a demanding public.

Accompanied by my wife, She Who Must Not Be Named, and Mr. X, our small white dog with the Napoleon complex, I wandered into the park Tuesday to cast a critical eye on the local nominee and ensure it was fully operational, if you catch my subtle drift.

For the record, if you wander around taking photographs of a public restroom with your smartphone, people will give you the evil eye, even if you make reassuring remarks, such as: “Ha ha ha! Don’t worry. I’m a journalist.”

My wife and I agreed the Lyric restrooms, constructed from three decommissioned 12.2-metre-long shipping containers, look like a modern-art installation, especially with their mirrored front walls, which allow users to stare into them and see themselves staring back.

If you care, the other four restrooms nominated include: the luxury hotel W Montreal in Montreal, Sauce Italian Kitchen & Market in Calgary, the Esso Super Station in Whitecourt, Alta., and Calgary’s East Village.

I am sure these are perfectly fine facilities, but I think we can agree the time has come to shine the national spotlight on some outstanding Winnipeg commodes.

Here’s what Cintas had to say about our restrooms: “The innovative upcycling of these shipping containers solved both budget and construction constraints. The three containers add a fun feeling of modernity to the park, juxtaposing the historical feel of the surrounding Lyric Theatre and Pavilion Gallery Museum buildings.”

As I stood with my wife and dog, admiring the architectural splendour and historical feel, a man raced across the field towards us, a look of urgent need etched on his face.

“I’ve been waiting for years to try this restroom, and here’s my chance,” he blurted out cheerfully as he darted past us.

When he strolled out, looking far more relaxed, I asked about his experience — “Good, but I couldn’t find any paper towels” — and told him the facility was one of five nominated as the best in the nation.

“That’s great,” he said, slowly backing away from us. “Like they say, we should vote now and vote often.”

And that’s the point, Winnipeg. I’ll be blunt: The time has come to get off the proverbial pot and wipe out the competition, so to speak.

What I want is for everyone to drop whatever they are doing (even if it’s a hot cup of coffee) and go to www.bestrestroom.com/canada and vote for the state-of-the-art washrooms in Assiniboine Park. The polls close Oct. 24.

So please don’t wait, Winnipeg. Seriously, you really need to go! Right now. And when thousands and thousands of votes flow our way, think what a relief that will be.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca