2017 can’t arrive fast enough

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 28/12/2016 (3425 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear 2017:

We’re delighted to extend this offer of employment for the position of the new year.

To reiterate the terms: this is a one-year contract position with a start date of Jan. 1. It’s a full-time position with lots of duties-as-assigned, and when we say “full time” we mean you will literally work 24/7 until midnight on Dec. 31, at which point you’ll be terminated. If it’s any consolation, the goodbye parties (yes, that’s plural) are often pretty swank.

2016 was the kind of year that sent everyone Googling for the definition of the word ‘surreal.’

Unfortunately, there’s no possibility of renewal — you get one kick at the can, so to speak — but there is lots of room for professional development. There’s also no compensation, but trust us, you will get a ton of exposure. We’re assuming a contract in which you will work constantly with no pay is cool with you; 2016 was always going on and on about the benefits of the “gig economy” and “side hustles.”

Speaking of 2016, let’s get down to brass tacks here. As I’m sure you’re already aware, your predecessor was terrible. Really just appallingly bad. Yes, we know, there have been worse years in history, but you know what? There have also been much better years.

For one, 2016 killed a lot of iconic celebrities. Now, we’re not saying it was all 2016’s fault, per se. But it really was a lot of celebrities. Some might even go as far as saying a suspicious number of celebrities. David Bowie, Prince, Alan Rickman, Muhammad Ali, Leonard Cohen, Sharon Jones, to name a few. And then, in its very last week, 2016 took George Michael and Carrie Fisher. (Yes, 2016 was a real monster.)

We completely understand you will, inevitably, have some celebrity deaths on your hands, 2017. After all, one of your key roles will be to mark the passage of time. But perhaps you could leave Betty White alone? It’d be good for morale. Just a suggestion.

In Canada, “Because it’s 2016” became something of a buzz-phrase after the newly elected Prime Minister Justin Trudeau formed a gender-balanced cabinet. This phrase was really just a fancy way to say, “It’s about time.” And the original phrase was, “Because it’s 2015.” Still, that didn’t stop writers of op-eds from using “Because it’s 2016” as a shorthand for basic equal-rights advances that should have happened a long time ago.

But “progress” is not a word most people associate with 2016. Under 2016’s watch, the United States of America elected Donald Trump to be its next president. This is obviously a disaster, the aftershocks of which will be deeply felt for a long time. Unfortunately, that means you’ve got your work cut out for you, 2017. In the final months of 2016’s term, hate crimes increased. A white-nationalist movement — dubbed the “alt-right” — was emboldened by the election of a racist, misogynist reality-TV star to the highest office of the most powerful country. Things are bleak, 2017. People are scared.

Of course, other terrible things happened during 2016. Aleppo, once the gem of Syria, has been ripped apart by war. The words “Zika,” a virus, and “Brexit,” the U.K.’s withdrawal from the European Union, entered our everyday vocabulary. A man walked into a gay nightclub in Orlando, Fla., and opened fire in a hate crime that killed 49 people. Fort McMurray, Alta., burned. Terrorist attacks killed and injured hundreds of people in countries all over the world. Unarmed protesters of the Dakota Access Pipeline were met with police violence.

This is not a complete list of grievances, but you get the point: 2016 was the kind of year that sent everyone Googling for the definition of the word “surreal.”

So, what kind of year do you want to be, 2017? Because, look: if we’re being completely honest, we aren’t all that optimistic about you, either. But we want to be convinced. We want to be wowed. And we want you to think of the possibilities. You could be the year in which people take action. You could be the year in which people rise up, speak out and refuse to accept the oppression of minorities and women. You could be the year in which fact-checking and critical thinking become concepts as buzzed-about as “fake news” and “post-truth.”

Do you want to be remembered as the Worst Year Ever? Or do you want to be remembered as the Best Year Ever? (Or, at the very least, the OKest Year Ever?)

We just want you to be the year that tries. That’s really all we’re asking you to do, when you boil it down. Just try. Try to be better. Can you do that for us, 2017?

Great. See you Sunday.

Sincerely,

The Hiring Committee

 

jen.zoratti@freepress.mb.ca

Twitter: @JenZoratti