Don’t be fooled by body language

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 23/06/2018 (2675 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Good communication is the foundation of all relationships, be it marriage and family relationships, friends and neighbours, and/or all those folks we call best friends and business contacts. In other words, communication is absolutely key to building successful relationships.

Yet, communication is a lot more complicated than you think. You have to consider the channel of communication that is best suited to the message. You have to understand the barriers that will prevent or distort your message, and manage around them. You also have to understand how people best learn things, and try to focus your communication strategies to their learning modality. Not only that, you have to think about which individuals you should be talking to in order to influence them toward your ideas.

In other words, just because you can talk, doesn’t mean you are really communicating. The reverse is also true. Just because you are not actually talking, doesn’t mean you are not communicating. In fact, with non-verbal communication, your body language can speak louder than words. And therein lies a danger, both as a speaker and as an interpreter.

So, just what is body language? Body language is the transmission of subconscious thoughts exhibited through your body and physical movements, rather than through words. This includes how you use your physical space, your eye movement, your hand and arm gestures, expressions you show on your face and how you reach out and physically engage with others. Body language is very powerful, and will often send a stronger message than any words.

There are at least three challenges with body language. The first, is that a so-called “speaker” will send body-language messages that contradict their verbal conversation. The result is that the listener becomes confused and misunderstands the message. What the listener understood is not what was meant. If this is the case, the speaker is failing at sending the right message. The message will be lost, often leading to interpersonal trust being drained away.

The second challenge is listeners often misunderstand what was once considered standard body-language clues. For instance, the traditional crossed arms used to be seen as an indication a person was being defensive to the ideas being presented. Today, this might well mean the listener is actually giving serious thought, and is listening intently. As well, in today’s workplace, with multiple generations and a multicultural environment, body language no longer means the same thing as what some people grew up with. For instance, an employee from Thailand might view your positive “thumbs up” gesture as being very negative. An employee with a Greek background might feel insulted if you confront them with a palmed hand to signal “stop.”

A third challenge is that body language is now being weaponized through social media. For instance, a downcast face misconstrued as negative, or a fashion statement perceived as inappropriate, is then used as a spear to attack the person through various media strategies. This action, along with language that reaches the level of incivility, creates a whole new message, and one that is difficult to deal with.

Yet, body language still has a natural and essential role in being a good overall communicator. However, as a listener, personal biases and assumptions also often get in the way of the interpretation of body language. Being a good interpreter of body language requires good insight into one’s own biases. Failing to recognize this results in misinterpretation of a speaker’s body language, which in turn leads to making inappropriate responses to a message. The final result? Embarrassment and a loss of trust, respect and credibility.

So what body language should you look out for and be more careful about regarding misinterpretation? Some of the common areas of misinterpretation are:

Physical stance and posture — researchers suggest posture such as slumped shoulders means poor self-esteem. Or, that someone who plays with objects while talking or slouches with their head down is submissive. Don’t be fooled, and don’t jump to conclusions. Consider that an individual may simply be uncomfortable, and is adjusting to various physical environments such as an uncomfortable seat, no seat at all, or is tired following a long day at work.

Facial expressions — being the most visible, facial expressions are one of the most misinterpreted areas of body language. For instance, if someone isn’t smiling, you assume they must be angry at you, and/or they are an angry person. If an individual has a straight face and doesn’t look you in the eye, you might interpret this as being cold or arrogant. Or, if an individual does look you in the eye, you may interpret this as being aggressive, intimidating and/or “checking you out.” Responding to this misinterpretation will cause a deeper rift in a relationship and might even make a fool out of you.

Hand signals — the two most common hand gestures are the handshake and pointing a finger. Handshakes are known as “alpha male,” where one person shows dominance over another. Others wrap one hand over another with an attempt to show extra friendliness and intimacy. However, either of these handshakes can be perceived as “phoney” and could be resented despite the intentions being legitimate.

Pointing one’s finger can also be easily misinterpreted because it has multiple meanings in the western world, and different meanings in other places. Pointing can be interpreted as being dominant, aggressive and/or casting blame. Or, pointing may simply be suggesting caution, asking for silence and/or directing someone to look at something elsewhere. Accompanied with a facial expression, it might also be directing you to be quiet. Pointing accompanied with physical touching, of course, violates personal space and is immediately interpreted as inappropriate.

So the challenge for all communicators is to build skills in how to interpret all these various body-language signals. And this is not as easy as one thinks. For instance, studies suggest people are often overly confident in reading non-verbal cues, and thus frequently make inaccurate body-language judgments. This is especially true when interpreting gestures that suggest aggressiveness, aloofness, gregariousness and/or submissiveness.

With 50 to 90 per cent of our communication being non-verbal, body language is definitely an area of communication that requires special attention. Not only that, you need to pay far more attention to the communication channels through which you are actually sending messages. With texting, emailing and social media strategies becoming so much a part of communication tactics, you need to think carefully about what the lack of body language and tone of voice does to your message. Will the receiver really understand the meaning and context of your message? Will simply adding a smiley emoji solve all your communication challenges? Not necessarily.

Today, communication is more complicated than ever before. So my advice? Think before you speak. Think before you write. Just plain think.

Source: Non-Verbal Cues Are Easy to Misinterpret, by Daniel Goleman, New York Times, 1991

Barbara J. Bowes, FCPHR, CMC, CCP, M.Ed., is president of Legacy Bowes Group, the author of eight books, a radio personality, speaker, an executive coach and workshop leader. She can be reached at barb@legacybowes.com.