Learning to assert yourself

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 11/05/2019 (2528 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Have you ever kicked yourself because you failed to stand up to an aggressive colleague? Have you sometimes cowered in front of your boss instead of standing up for your point of view? Have you backed down on a decision because you couldn’t get support from either your significant other and/or work colleagues?

If that indeed explains your experience, then learning how to be more assertive is a skill that needs to be worked on. And, yes, being assertive is more than a personality trait, it is a communication skill that can be learned.

So just what is assertiveness all about? Being assertive means responding in a confident manner. It means being able to express one’s thoughts and feelings in a clear and direct manner while showing respect for the listener.

It is also the art of influencing others in a positive way, of expressing personal interests without appearing to engage the other person in a threatening manner.

Unfortunately, many people confuse the terms assertive and aggressive. Being aggressive usually includes behaviour such as intimidating people with body language and facial expressions. Or, it includes speaking over someone, being purposefully loud and/or controlling a conversation without consideration for the feelings and/or opinions of others.

Being aggressive shows that the speaker values themselves more than others to such an extent that they will hurt others in the process of reaching their goals. And finally, someone with aggressive behaviour often lives their life from the attitude, “I’m OK, but you’re not.”

Being assertive is especially important at work. As an individual, it helps you to set personal and professional boundaries so that people know who you are and what your behavioural expectations are. Being assertive enables you to put your ideas forward in an objective and confident manner and to make decisions based on personal values that you can defend.

It’s all about confidence in creating positive conversations and dealing with conflict and personal criticism effectively. And finally, being assertive versus aggressive increases the potential for ongoing career success.

From a supervisory point of view, being assertive means being able to make a point without getting angry, being able to use communication effectively to build co-operation and teamwork and to confront problems at the earliest possible times instead of putting them off. It also means being able to understand the total environment around a problem situation, being able to read people and make a decision on how to handle a problem effectively.

Learning how to be assertive, whether you are a front-line employee or a supervisor, entails working on and developing skills in at least eight different areas. These are as follows:

Personal self-esteem: Self-esteem and self-confidence and believing in your own self-worth or abilities are closely related to the ability to be assertive.

Start with conducting a self-assessment to understand your value, your strengths and talents as well as your blind spots. Explore tactics such as positive self-talk as a means to gain confidence and learn to be analytical in your problem solving.

Be a better listener: Being an effective listener means focusing on the speaker and really understanding the feelings, needs and ideas that are being expressed. It means avoiding the temptation to jump into a conversation with your own ideas and providing a response that ensures the speaker you really are listening.

Take a risk: Many people don’t ask for what they want because they fear being rejected. Still others assume that their wants and needs are already known and so they fail to state what they need.

Being assertive means to confidently and specifically state what you want and need. This takes away any ambiguity. Think through what you want and then state it clearly.

Knowing how to say no: Every person needs to understand what is important to them and what they are willing and can do with their limited time.

If you don’t say no, you may be flooded with unwanted extra tasks or unrealistic deadlines. Learn to say no with respect. Learn to use phrases such as, “I am pleased to help, but I need help to re-establish priorities.”

Provide constructive feedback: People often correlate feedback with criticism rather than recognizing feedback is a means of bringing attention to a work issue and motivating an individual to make a change. Learn to be specific and avoid directing your comment to someone’s personality.

Accepting criticism: This is the skill of listening to feedback about yourself while avoiding becoming defensive. Be careful not to read into the comment more than what is being said.

Also, be careful to listen objectively and to separate a real, sincere criticism from one that isn’t valid.

Dealing with positive feedback: Receiving positive feedback is hard to do if you believe you are simply doing your job. On the other hand, accept that people appreciate and value your work.

Be assertive by accepting the positive feedback and offering thanks. Provide feedback to others by keeping in mind that people are motivated by recognition and appreciation.

Setting personal goals: Knowing what you want and putting a plan in place will help you overcome obstacles that come your way. Avoid “if only” thinking and get a sense of your work environment and how this will help or hinder the achievement of your goals. Having a goal framework gives you confidence in knowing where you are going and how to get there. It also gives you control to make changes if needed.

While these eight areas of development and building blocks provide guidance for building up your self-esteem over time, I also find it helpful to create a set of standard statements for yourself that can be used in different scenarios.

This is especially helpful when you encounter a conversation or situation where you are not as comfortable as usual. Statements such as, “This is what I hear you saying” or “Help me understand” are good standby statements for being assertive.

Another skill set for being assertive is to develop your ability to ask good questions. Learn to ask one question and then sit back and listen.

Ask a question such as “What’s on your mind?” which is referred to as an open-ended question that invites the speaker to focus on their issue at hand. Phrase your questions around who, what, when, where and how — which are considered “learner” questions instead of judgment questions.

Again, over time, create a set of your favourite and most-effective questions for your style of communication.

I agree that some individuals are natural communicators with the skill of developing relationships, dealing with conflict and being assertive.

Yet, believe me, these skills can be learned. So, as you move forward in your career and life, take time to learn more about your current assertiveness skills, set a plan in place to reinforce the skills in your toolbox and set aside some favourite assertive statements that will give you the confidence you need.

Barbara J. Bowes, FCPHR, CMC, CCP, M.Ed., is president of Legacy Bowes Group, the author of eight books, a radio personality, a speaker, an executive coach and a workshop leader. Additionally, she is chairwoman for the Manitoba Women’s Advisory Council. She can be reached at barb@legacybowes.com.