Feel good about feedback

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 22/07/2023 (902 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

‘You can only help those who help themselves.”

What this really means is you can offer fashion advice to a friend, conduct a performance review for a team member or tell your teenager about the intricacies of table etiquette, but if they are not in a place to hear it, the feedback will float right past them.

In the workplace, feedback is a vital managerial tool. When delivered effectively, it creates clear objectives, roles and goals, builds a supportive company culture, and opens up room for professional development.

Most importantly, feedback is a critical function of the relationship between employee and manager. Employees want to believe their manager sees them, values their role on the team and shares observations with the ultimate goal of helping them succeed at work.

However, the hard truth is feedback is rarely delivered well. It can be so challenging for the giver to establish legitimacy and say what they mean without emotions getting in the way.

Feedback is often not received well, either — defensiveness can creep in and cause the receiver to reject comments or turn their energy toward knocking down character or expertise.

As managers, it is important to become a master of techniques to offer feedback in palatable pieces, deliver it with a smile, use a conversational tone and comment on the action, not the person. As an employee, the practice is to become a master at taking in what you hear, turning it over in your mind and extracting the practical pearls.

How do we do this?

A great place to start is to remember: the only real control we have is over ourselves.

Developing a growth mindset

A lot of attention has been paid to developing a growth mindset: the idea that through hard work and consistency, people can continuously learn and improve throughout their lives.

What is not said often enough when people talk about developing a growth mindset is that it is necessary to learn how to receive feedback from others to discover your own areas most in need of growth and improvement.

So, what makes feedback hard to hear? Why do many of us put up walls and reflect and deflect when it comes to talking about our mistakes, vulnerabilities or shortcomings? Often, it is because we are working to justify our behaviour to ourselves to maintain our own self-image.

Take this example: as we race to work — late for the third time in a week — we reason it is obviously the alarm clock’s fault! The traffic! The weather! When we arrive and someone points out our pattern of tardiness, we perceive they must just be trying to make you look bad in front of the boss.

Instead of building a defensive wall, think carefully about what may be motivating the giver. It could be their feedback is a gift — a sign they believe you can change, they do not want to see you sabotaging your success and that your performance will improve if you get to the office more often on time.

When people see something about you that you don’t see, it is generally one of your blind spots. Take it as a chance to hold a mirror up to a side view. Ask questions about it and learn whatever you can.

After you understand the root of what a manager or co-worker is telling you and have explored whether their comments are true, deal with your opinions on how you both got here – and perhaps even share some feedback you have for them.

Easier said than done, I know, but here are a few ideas to help.

First, take the time to establish a mini agenda to stay focused on specific feedback and lessen the opportunity for disagreements and misunderstandings. As a key element of successful communication, make sure both parties know ahead of a conversation what they are trying to achieve.

Next, keep in mind that when people hear feedback at odds with their identity story it can put more fixed thinkers off balance. As emotions arise, name them (anger, fear, shame, surprise), then look at the story you are telling yourself.

Is it possible you are layering reasonable meaning onto your colleague’s words? Is it also possible the story you are telling yourself has been shaped by a fog of feelings? Pause and try to tease the strands apart so you gain a clearer understanding of the information you are receiving and can give it the right weight of importance. Resilience develops with the awareness that feedback does not indicate we are useless — it signals we have a shortcoming that could benefit from exploration.

All of this sounds like work, I know. Yet, the most effective way to get ahead of the constant feedback that will be surprising you throughout your life is to adopt that growth mindset.

Build an identity for yourself that champions continuous learning and believes that change is, if not fun exactly, at least interesting. Take this wisdom from Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen and accept these three things about yourself: (1) you will make mistakes, (2) you have complex intentions, (3) you contributed to the problem.

This is the aspect of a growth mindset that is much harder than sitting in night classes, but it can improve your life with the nice side effect of making feedback easier to receive. Look to those around you to help find your blind spots, take control of those feedback conversations, and remember, the only person you can change is yourself.

Tory McNally, CPHR, BSc., Vice President, HR Consulting is a human resource professional, radio personality, speaker, and problem solver. She can be reached at tory@legacybowes.com.

Source: Thanks for the Feedback: the science and art of receiving feedback well by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen.