No such thing as ‘too nice’

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This article was published 17/05/2025 (210 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

At first glance, it can feel like your manager is just too nice — always trying to keep everyone happy, avoiding hard conversations and seemingly dodging responsibility for unpopular decisions.

It can be frustrating as an employee when you bring up a concern or request and your manager listens with empathy, even nods in agreement, but then nothing seems to happen. Or worse, the answer is a disappointing “no,” softened by politeness and explanations that feel more like excuses than reasons.

You may wonder: if they agree with me, why aren’t they taking my side? Are they being honest? Are they just trying to keep the peace?

This is a common experience in workplaces where managers genuinely care about their teams but are also tasked with serving as intermediaries between employees and higher leadership — executives, company presidents, owners — who ultimately make the strategic and financial decisions. What can feel like a “too nice” manager is often someone stuck in the balancing act between transparency, advocacy and the organizational realities they’re asked to manage.

From the employee’s perspective, it’s important to understand a manager’s role isn’t simply to be your champion in every conversation. Their job is to create a fair and functioning workplace for everyone — not just for one individual, no matter how justified a concern may seem.

This tension between fairness and friendliness is at the heart of modern management and it often leads to misunderstandings, especially when expectations about leadership aren’t clear.

Let’s say you’ve asked for more flexible working hours.

Your manager listens carefully, thanks you for your initiative and says they’ll “look into it.”

Weeks go by. You follow up. They’re still waiting on a decision from senior leadership or they tell you it doesn’t fit into current staffing plans.

You feel let down and maybe even a little betrayed. Why didn’t they push harder? They said they understood. What happened?

What likely happened is your manager took your request seriously — but so did other employees who had conflicting needs. Maybe one person needs earlier shifts for child care, while another prefers later ones due to commuting constraints.

Your manager is in the middle, balancing competing interests while trying to keep the team operating smoothly. At the same time, they may be contending with cost restrictions, scheduling software limitations or broader company policies they didn’t create but must enforce.

Here’s where the deeper truth lies: most workplace decisions — especially those that feel personal, like hours, responsibilities, promotions or exceptions to policy — aren’t made in isolation. Your manager isn’t just deciding based on how valid your request is, they’re thinking about what happens if they say yes to you and others hear about it. Will it be seen as favouritism? Will it set a precedent the organization can’t afford to meet across the board? Will it create inequality, division or burnout elsewhere in the team?

This is where fairness comes in.

Being fair does not always mean being nice — or at least, not in the way you might expect. A fair manager doesn’t always give people what they want. They give people what is reasonable, sustainable and consistent. This can feel impersonal when you’re on the receiving end of a “no,” especially from someone who has always treated you kindly. But fairness is the cornerstone of trust in a workplace and your manager’s responsibility to uphold that can sometimes make them seem distant or overly cautious.

Complicating things further, managers also have to protect morale and relationships. That’s why they sometimes soften decisions with vague language or lean into empathy without drawing hard lines. They might be waiting for confirmation from leadership, trying to advocate for you behind the scenes or just hoping circumstances change. That can come across as indecisive or “too nice” — but more often, it’s an attempt to show respect while working within boundaries they didn’t choose.

Then there’s the influence of the president or senior leadership.

Many employees aren’t aware of how much latitude a manager truly has. A manager might want to implement changes but is constrained by policies, budgets or directives handed down from the top. In some organizations, the manager is more of an operator than a decision maker. They execute strategy, manage teams and serve as the face of decisions they didn’t make.

When they explain a decision by referencing “leadership” or “policy,” it’s not a deflection — it’s often a reflection of reality. They’re sharing as much as they’re permitted, trying not to erode trust in the broader organization while still being supportive of their employees.

So what can employees do when they feel caught in this dynamic?

First, recognize your manager’s kindness isn’t weakness. It’s a professional asset that helps build relationships, encourage feedback and create a positive workplace culture. But kindness doesn’t mean you’ll always get the outcome you hope for.

Second, ask for clarity. If a decision is delayed or denied, it’s okay to ask why. A good manager should be able to explain the rationale and if they can’t, it may not be because they’re hiding something — it may be because they’re waiting for answers themselves or trying to navigate internal politics.

Third, expand your perspective. Try to see the request or issue from a team-wide or organizational lens. How would you feel if someone else got the same exception you’re requesting? Would it still feel fair?

Finally, practice empathy of your own. Just as your manager tries to support you, offer them the benefit of the doubt. A manager who seems “too nice” may be carrying the emotional weight of many competing pressures — your needs, your colleagues’ needs, operational realities and organizational directives. Their softness is often a strength, not a flaw, and behind it may be a deep sense of care — for you, for the team and for the work you’re all doing together.

Managers aren’t perfect. Sometimes they will get the balance wrong. But more often than not, their niceness is the result of walking a tightrope between doing what’s right and doing what’s possible. Trusting they are trying to do both — fairly and with integrity — can help transform your disappointment into understanding and your working relationship into one of mutual respect.

Tory McNally, CPHR, BSc., vice-president, professional services, is a human resource consultant, radio personality and problem solver. She can be reached at tory@legacybowes.com