Things I learned this summer

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This article was published 09/09/2004 (7919 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

LABOUR Day is my favourite holiday of the year.

The reason is that it signifies the official end of the summer movie season.

It is not just a time to look forward to the fall movie season. It also is a time to reflect upon the previous four months and to determine if the summer was as bad as you thought it would be.

After all, if you don’t learn from this summer movie season, then you are doomed to repeat it next summer movie season.

Here are some of the things I learned this summer, in no particular order, except that they are numbered and therefore obviously in some kind of order.

1. Filmmakers continued to cast real TV news buffoons to portray fake TV news buffoons.

Is there anything quite as sad as a movie that is unintentionally funny? And is there anything more unintentionally funny than a real TV newscaster playing a TV newscaster in a movie?

Filmmakers will claim that they do it to lend an air of realism to their movie, but it has the opposite effect. People laugh at these anchors and TV reporters in real life, so how much authenticity could they contribute to a serious film? The real reason they’re cast in these movies is publicity. It is hoped that these TV people will tout the movies on their local newscasts and national entertainment news shows because of their involvement in it. And, trust me, it always works.

2. Even a governor can’t open a bad movie.

The prospect of seeing California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger playing a womanizer in a long-haired wig couldn’t draw people into theatres to see the ill-advised remake of Around the World in 80 Days. Maybe if he had worn a yellow tie.

3. Michael Moore knows how to promote a movie.

It’s not important whether you agree with his viewpoint. Nobody in Hollywood cares what you think; they only care whether you put people’s butts in theatre seats, and that makes Moore one of the new golden boys of Hollywood.

4. Matt Damon is the biggest movie star in Boston.

For a long time after their early success as Oscar-winning screenwriters of Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck was designated by industry insiders as the handsome leading-man type and Damon as the cute but serious actor type destined to wind up in independent films.

But a funny thing happened on the way to the star’s trailer. Affleck has squandered his inheritance and is now trying to go the Damon route with sensitive, low-budget films like Jersey Girl, and Damon is going the Affleck route and is a huge star in big-budget action films. The Bourne Supremacy already has raked in nearly $160 million in the U.S.

5. Will Smith apparently still owns the month of July.

OK, Smith used to own July 4th, thanks to Men in Black and Independence Day. Then came the disastrous Wild Wild West, and Hollywood told Smith to look for another month. He persisted, however, and returned with an impressive showing in I, Robot, an average sci-fi movie that enjoys life in $140-million territory. That’s sheer star power.

6. Harry Potter vs. Peter Parker?

If you had asked me if I thought that Alien vs. Predator was a good concept for a movie, I would have laughed in your face. Frankly, I dismissed it as one of the dumbest concepts I’ve ever heard. That is why I work for a newspaper and not a movie studio.

The film had made $72 million as of last week, and that translates in Hollywood to a very good concept. I’m sure there are dozens of producers out there right now pitching similar concepts for next summer.

7. Fourth time’s not the charm.

Somebody may have thought Jaws IV was a good idea. Somebody may have thought Rocky IV was a good idea. But I don’t know why anyone thought a fourth Exorcist movie was a good idea.

8. Clothes don’t make the movie.

At the beginning of the year, a national magazine ran a cover photo of Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit. Give some credit to her publicist. Give some pity to the magazine’s editors who got fooled by the publicist and blinded by the thought of Halle in a cat suit. Give kudos to the audience for not being fooled or blinded.

9. Scientific experts should stick to real science and stay away from cinematic science.

When The Day After Tomorrow came out, there was a tidal wave of criticism from the scientific community concerning the realism of the weather disaster depicted in the movie. The movie has made $186 million at the domestic box office, and that is all the realism that counts in Hollywood.

10. Brad Pitt in a skirt really does sell tickets.

— Orange County Register