Who loves ya, baby? Hit the road, Kojak

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 16/04/2006 (7141 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

‘WHO loves ya, baby?” If the question refers to the new version of Kojak that premieres tomorrow at 10 p.m. on Citytv, the likely answer is “Pretty much nobody.”

This unnecessary exhumation of a beloved ’70s TV cop won’t appeal to fans of the original show. And it isn’t likely to connect with next-generation viewers in search of innovative twists on threadbare genres.

Kojak, produced for south-of-the-border cable’s USA network, bears only the most fleeting of resemblances to the iconic CBS drama on which it’s based. Extra-large big-screen star Ving Rhames inhabits the title role, but the only similarities between him and the original, Telly Savalas, are a shaved-bald head and an affection for lollipops.

That really isn’t enough to justify a remake. It’s as if this new show’s producers knew there wasn’t enough substance to their project to attract an all-new audience, and felt they had to trade on the track record of the old series in order to draw a couchbound crowd.

The betting here is that the strategy will fail. Miserably.

As Kojak, Rhames is a much more imposing physical specimen than Savalas could ever have hoped to be. But he lacks the quirky charm that made the original stand out in a ’70s prime-time landscape that was overpopulated by idiosyncratic TV cops (including Cannon, Mannix, Ironside, Harry-O, The Rockford Files, Barnaby Jones and Baretta).

The double-length premiere (which concludes next week) opens with a couple of Kojak’s underlings having trouble getting information out of a smart-mouthed Mob thug. When the boss takes over the interrogation, all it takes is a few seconds, a bit of no-nonsense treatment and an impromptu game of modified Russian roulette to get the crook singing like a canary.

Having established that Kojak is a guy not to be trifled with, the producers spend the next part of the pilot taking great pains to show what a sensitive, caring, community-minded guy he is.

He delivers bats and balls to an inner-city baseball team coached by a productive informant. He becomes a sort of uncle/protector to the young kids of a murdered hooker. He gets misty eyed listening to a great jazz tune.

But when it comes time to solve the crime, Kojak is all business. The way he goes about it is strictly by-the-numbers cop-show stuff, and the resolution of the pilot episode’s seen-it-all-before storyline is nothing but predictable.

At a time when prime time’s fictional precincts are populated by complex, conflicted cops like Vic Mackey (The Shield), Robert Goren (Law & Order: Criminal Intent), Horatio Caine (CSI: Miami) and the recently departed Andy Sipowicz (NYPD Blue), viewers expect a whole lot more than faint copies of their parents’ favourite TV detectives.

And folks old enough to be fans of those classic cop shows would probably prefer that their heroes be left to rest — either in peace, or in their original forms on the DVD box-set shelves.

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What about What About Brian?: If there’s one hard-to-figure character that has been a staple of TV dramas and romantic comedies for the last half-century, it’s the insanely attractive, unbelievably charming and witty best pal who somehow can’t get anywhere close to finding Mr. or Ms. Right.

This ever-so-slightly-flawed archetype returns to prime time tonight at 9:01 on ABC and CTV in the form of What About Brian, a soft-focused ensemble comedy that explores the lives, loves and relationship contradictions within a group of thirtysomething friends (the series settles into its regular Monday slot — 7 p.m. on CTV and 9 p.m. on ABC — tomorrow).

At the centre of the story is the series title’s Brian (Barry Watson), a 34-year-old video-game developer who’s beginning to worry that true romance is passing him by. He’s dating a girl who’s all wrong for him, but it’s equally unlikely he could connect with someone more suitable because he has a crippling crush on girl/friend Marjorie (Sarah Lancaster), who happens to be nearly engaged to his best buddy, Adam (Matthew Davis).

In tonight’s opener, Brian gets all kinds of advice from his friends about how to find the girl of his dreams. But he follows his heart instead, and the result is an uncomfortable and wildly inappropriate passionate moment that could jeopardize his standing in his close-knit community of friends.

Brian may be a dreamboat, but his judgment is dangerously impaired. And it remains to be seen whether the show’s target audience (young upscale females) will love him and tune in, or loathe him and tune out.

brad.oswald@freepress.mb.ca