Alien life forms will contact us: no, not teens

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 18/04/2006 (7291 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

TAKE me to your leader… and then to Starbucks!
If you haven’t heard yet, scientists are convinced that mankind will make contact in the next 20 years with mysterious life forms that have steadfastly refused to communicate with human beings.

That’s right, by the year 2025, our advanced technology will apparently allow us to engage in some form of dialogue with teenagers.

If that sounds hard to believe, there’s a good reason — I’m lying.

Seriously, the really exciting science news is that experts breathlessly announced this month that we are poised to make our first contact with intelligent alien beings.

Sadly, this means for the next two decades, teenagers will continue to communicate solely by grunting, slamming doors, rolling their eyes and yelling: “I hate you!”

Aliens, however, should be somewhat more approachable.

“We’ll know we are not alone between the years 2020 and 2025,” Dr. Seth Shostak, famed senior astronomer with the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence (or SETI) Institute, told Ananova.com.

“This will be one of the biggest, if not the biggest, stories of all time.”

Personally, I’ve always lumped space aliens in with honest politicians — I’ve heard a lot about them but I’ve never actually met one.

Still, I think I speak for most weak-minded Earthlings when I suggest we should all probably hide under our beds for the next 20 years.

Before taking cover, however, I decided it might be a good idea to get a little out-of-this-world advice from Chris Rutkowski, research co-ordinator for Ufology Research of Manitoba (UFOROM).

“Chances are that aliens have heard about us relatively recently because of how long it takes our signals to reach them,” Rutkowski told me.

“So it’s possible in the next 20 or 25 years we’ll get a reply. We’ll either hear back from them or maybe they’ll pop by for a visit. That would be nice. Maybe it’s time to put the kettle on for tea.”

But the friendly UFO expert was just a little worried that alien visitors might already believe Earth is populated by beings with incredibly tiny brains.

Think about it! For the last 50 years, we’ve been beaming them the mind-numbing content of shows like Gilligan’s Island and The Beverly Hillbillies. “If I was an alien watching terrestrial TV, I’d think twice about landing,” Rutkowski said. “What would they think about American Idol?”

Mind you, I don’t think anyone on the planet would be too upset to see Simon get zapped by angry hillbilly aliens with ray guns.

Unfortunately, it seems interstellar tourists are already thinking twice about hovering around our skies.

According to a survey released by Rutkowski’s group, the number of UFO sightings in Canada and Manitoba has dropped for the first time since 1998.

Canadians reported 769 UFO sightings in 2005, down 15 per cent from a record 882 in 2004, the study found. In Manitoba, there were 43 reported sightings, compared with 112 in 2004. Winnipeggers, meanwhile, reported 23 sightings, down from 75.

In Russia, meanwhile, authorities aren’t about to sit still and let space tourists feel unwanted.

I was green with envy when I learned last week that a “flying saucer school” has opened to teach Russians how to react if they meet an alien. “We teach people how to spot a flying saucer… and how to react if you meet an extraterrestrial,” Tatiana Markova of the state Ufology Commission told Ananova.com.

So what should you do if you meet someone from another planet?

“You should remain calm and try and remember all the tips from Star Trek,” Rutkowski explained. “Shooting at them would probably not be on the list.”

OK, I think we can hold our fire for now, especially if they’re wearing shiny silver suits and have giant killer robots named Gort.

For now, I recommend treating space aliens exactly the way we treat our teenagers.

Make sure they eat a good breakfast, tell them you love them and, whatever else you do, DON’T let them watch TV if they fry anyone with their death ray lasers.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca