Beating the big chill

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 18/11/2006 (7193 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

I don’t have any formal medical training, but I believe you’ll get more out of your Grey Cup Experience if you can avoid freezing to death.

Trust me, nothing takes the fun out of a football game quicker than having someone in your section — especially you — dying a cold and painful death.

And medical experts suggest this is a distinct possibility this year for three key reasons:

1 — The game is in Winnipeg

2 — It’s being played OUTSIDE

3 — It’s #@%$&# November!

Perhaps you think I’m exaggerating. Well, perhaps you’ll think again when you consider these frightening weather statistics for Winnipeg:

1) An extremely aggressive Africanized bee colony may attack any “threat” within 100 feet and pursue for up to one-quarter of a mile;

2) If you are in the path of a swarm of Africanized bees, you have a 75 per cent chance of a deadly attack.

Oops! As you may already have noticed, those are, in fact, statistics about killer bees. But, had I been able to find some, I’m sure the weather statistics would have been just as alarming.

But, thankfully, that is not my point. My point is that you are clearly going to need some helpful hints on how to stay warm at the Grey Cup.

For example, I’m thinking Tip No. 1 would be: Stay at home and watch the game on your big-screen TV.

Ha, ha, ha! Just a little Grey Cup humour there. In fact, I strongly recommend everyone buy as many tickets as they can afford.

And I’m not saying that just because the organizing committee bought me a condo in Hawaii. But let’s see if we can get back on topic.

Here are just a few of the indispensable items I found at SIR Sports Store on Ellice Avenue to help you beat the Big Chill at the Big Game Sunday:

1. Battery-Powered Socks

I’m not kidding here. These babies ($29.99 a pair) run on two D-cell batteries and feature two temperature settings.

“We sell hundreds and hundreds of pairs of these,” Terry Robinson, general manager of SIR, tells me.

2) High-Tech Heaters ($2.99 to $24.99) — We’re talking amazing little devices, powered by chemicals or lighter fluid, that tuck into special pouches and keep your hands, feet, head and butt nice and toasty.

“Most people have a good parka,” Robinson said, “but they forget about their hands and feet. If you can get a portable heat source to take with you, you’re going to be that much more comfortable.”

3) State-of-the-Art Undies — It’s this simple: If you want to have a good time, you’re going to need exceptional underwear.

“We have all kinds of technical underwear,” Robinson boasted. “For the Grey Cup, I would recommend a heavyweight Smart Wool underwear ($89.99).”

4) Really Hairy Hats — At this year’s Cup, I strongly advise you to wear a dead animal on your head. I opted for a lovely rabbit-skin aviator’s cap ($55.99) but the beaver chapeau ($93.99) was extremely chic.

5) Other Stuff — During my visit to SIR, I tried on Baffin Technology boots ($114.99 and rated to minus 100 degrees), a Canada Goose Expedition Parka ($499.98), Rocky Mountain Bib Pants ($348.99), Raber Hy-Arctic Extreme Gauntlets ($88.99) and Bolle Jinx Pro Goggles ($139.99).

In a word, I was extremely warm. Mind you, I didn’t actually go out of the store, but still!

Just to be safe — and to fill up column space — I also spoke with cold-weather survival expert Professor Popsicle, a.k.a. Gordon Giesbrecht.

Giesbrecht, a professor of thermophysiology at the U of M, recommends fans (a) avoid drinking, (b) “put lots of clothes on,” and (c) bring along a one-inch-thick piece of Styrofoam.

Now, I realize most of you fans are stuck on the “avoid drinking” bit, but here’s what the professor had to say about Styrofoam:

“I learned about that when I sat on a Styrofoam toilet seat at a camp north of the Arctic Circle in Sweden. The moment I sat down, I realized what a great insulator it was!”

At this point, I think we should recap the highlights of our heated investigation:

1) Don’t forget to dress warmly;

2) Try not to drink;

3) And don’t forget to wave at me… I’ll be the guy in the heated press box sitting in his underwear and drinking complimentary martinis.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca