Queer eye for the cartoon… bird

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 15/06/2007 (6773 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

HONOLULU — In 1999, the late Rev. Jerry Falwell was trashing those pre-school icons, the Teletubbies, over his suspicion that Tinkie Winkie was gay… because he carried a purse.

It was an assertion as fatuous as it was paranoid, but it made nice fodder for late-night talk show monologues. Yet, incredibly, some people took Falwell seriously, because a few years later, the benign SpongeBob SquarePants was in the ever-roving crosshairs of the religious right, presumed gay because he was seen holding hands with his starfish pal Patrick. (Anyone who has actually watched the show knows SpongeBob is essentially an asexual child. And anyone with semi-functional gaydar would instinctively appreciate that — duh — Squidward is actually the gayest character on the show.)

But even in the midst of all that contrived controversy, someone forgot to tell openly gay comic Mario Cantone about the dangers of attaching a homosexual label to a cartoon character.

In the animated feature Surf’s Up, Cantone voices the character of a nervous, snippy sandpiper who serves as a talent scout/publicist to a venal surfing promoter (voiced by James Woods).

Practically speaking, the sexuality of the sandpiper is not an issue in the movie. The subject never comes up.

But subtextually, you might easily infer that Mikey (a former musical theatre talent scout) has his rainbow flag flying.

Ask Cantone if Mikey is gay and he is initially noncommittal.

“I don’t know,” he says. “Scientifically, seagulls are gay. Do you know that? Did you know the majority of seagulls are gay?

“So a sandpiper is pretty close to a seagull,” Cantone says. “He’s pretty flamboyant, this bird.”

Asked later on in the course of a press conference, Cantone is more forthright:

“He used to recruit for musical theatre,” he says. “Is he gay? Do you live in a cave?”

* * *

Believe it or not, Cantone used to host a New Jersey children’s TV show, Steampipe Alley, in the early years of his comedy career, from 1988 to 1993.

But this doesn’t give him any particular insights into how kids might perceive Surf’s Up, and it’s not a subject that captivates him.

“I haven’t seen it with children because I’m afraid of them,” he says. “After having a children’s show for five years… I had enough.”

So, no, Cantone did not do the voice because he wanted to impress any kids.

“It’s funny, a lot of people do these movies for their children, you know?” he says. “I don’t have kids. I don’t want kids. Not that I don’t care about kids but, really, (I) couldn’t care less.

“I do it for me.”

Prior to Surf’s Up, Cantone has probably been most visible as the gay wedding planner Anthony Marintino in the cable series Sex and the City, or on Broadway, in his one-man show Laugh Whore. The appeal of doing a voice for Surf’s Up lay in the fact that he is a major animation buff.

“The classics like Bambi and Pinocchio and Lady and the Tramp, I love that stuff,” he says.

“I loved Jiminy Cricket and I still do. Jiminy Cricket is my favourite character in the world.

“And I loved Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty because she was like the Joan Crawford of animated films,” he says.

Cantone has mixed feelings about that other animated penguin movie, Happy Feet, which won the best animated feature award at this year’s Oscars. Cantone took issue with the way the film cheated on its musical production numbers by inserting proven hits — such as Prince’s Kiss — in the soundtrack, rather than creating original songs.

“If you’re going to make a musical, get a songwriting team and make a f—–g musical,” he says.

“Write a score. Don’t cheat and get an Earth, Wind and Fire song. Let Philip Bailey sing that, OK?” he says. “And I love Earth, Wind and Fire. They’re my favourite group. I love that music. I love Prince. I love R&B, but… get some people who are writing musical theatre and write a score.”

In fact, that issue is his one lamentation about the mockumentary format of Surf’s Up.

“The only thing that’s missing is a musical number. I wanted a musical number,” he says. “I want a musical number in the sequel.”

Surf’s Up is currently playing in theatres.

Who’s really gay in cartoons?

Prior to the debut of The Simpsons, fans could only speculate on the lifestyle choices of various cartoon characters such as:

* Fred Flintstone (wore an orange dress and was nicknamed “Twinkletoes.”)

* Scooby-Doo’s bespectacled Velma Dinkley (the first live-action Scooby-Doo movie evidently had an excised scene showing Velma had a crush on Daphne).

* Peanuts’ Peppermint Patty (invariably in the company of a girl named Marcie… who always referred to Patty as “sir.”)

But with the introduction of Waylon Smithers on The Simpsons, finally, no one had to look for subliminal clues. Smithers is seen fantasizing about Mr. Burns, collecting Malibu Stacy dolls and vacationing at men-only resorts.

Though still closeted, Smithers paved the way for out-and-proud cartoon characters, including the animal cast of the adult cable show Queer Duck (co-starring his pals Bi Polar Bear, Oscar Wildcat and Openly Gator).