We asked, you answered

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 07/12/2008 (6126 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Call the neighbours and wake up the kids, because today I’m going to announce the winner of my hugely educational and entertaining Pick the Next Prime Minister and Win a Swell Prize Contest.

As a professional journalist, I felt it was my duty to launch this contest because, with our nation in the grips of a political crisis the likes of which we have never seen, it was time to turn to you, the taxpaying newspaper reader, in a sincere and humanitarian effort to get enough entries so that I could slap them into a column and go back to bed.

When I came up with the brilliant idea for this contest, it appeared there was a very real threat that Liberal Leader Stéphane Dion was about to seize the reins of power in Ottawa. Ha ha ha! OK, that was a minor miscalculation on my part. I now realize there is a greater chance of my winning Lotto 6/49 AND getting a date with a supermodel than there is of Dion becoming our next PM.

But that is not today’s central point. Today’s central point is, gosh, did you readers ever respond, big time, to this contest. As I write this, my dining room table is groaning under the weight of hundreds of contest entries, some of which are spilling onto the floor where they are being closely examined by my dogs in case they contain trace particles of food.

That is just part of the intense judging process, which also included (a) my checking each entry for cash; and (b) my reading each entry to my wife and asking: "How about that one?" Or: "Hey, what about this one?"

After reading the entries, I could not feel prouder to be a Manitoban and Canadian because, in times of crisis, you readers can be counted on to (a) have waaaay too much time on your hands; (b) forget to take your prescription medication; and (c) do almost anything if there is the slimmest chance of winning a prize.

Readers nominated an amazing variety of potential PMs, including their dogs, their cats, their parents, Tyra Banks, me, Brent Butt, Rick Mercer, Richard Simmons, Kenny Rogers, Kodos (the extraterrestrial from The Simpsons), Britney Spears and so on.

Easily the longest entry, if not the most humble, came from Duane Dahl of Winnipeg, who voted for… Duane Dahl of Winnipeg.

Wrote Duane: "What would a 35-year-old IT guy with no governmental experience bring to the table. Well, first off, I’m a 35-year-old IT guy with NO governmental experience … Upon taking power, I will install a cabinet consisting of equal parts Mafia, computer geeks (my friends) and The Trailer Park Boys. Also, my office will openly accept bribes."

And let me say how deeply moved I was to receive entries from an entire Grade 7 class at Bruce Middle School. Among the folks the kids nominated were:

Miley Cyrus — "Because she is a great singer and an icon. She can change crises people have these days, for instance the economy." (Ambar)

Paris Hilton — "Because she is a great role model to women of any age, even though she’s the dumbest blonde ever! Who knows what she will do when she is prime minister. She will be like… Hey, what does this button do?" (Christina Hubert)

Don Cherry — "Because he is a good impression. He also has those awesome jackets … He will blow your mind." (Christian Jackson)

My dog Wokkie — "Because he is cute and he would know what to do in this time of economic crisis… Also he would do all the things I said and wouldn’t care." (Jesse)

My dad Dale MacDonald — "He is a hard-working, funny computer software salesman… I know my dad will not be chosen, but it’s the thought that counts." (Douglas MacDonald)

So let me just say, thanks Grade 7 kids at Bruce Middle School, and I promise to swing by your class soon and drop off a copy of our newest book, The Greatest Manitobans, which should come in handy at homework time. Don’t bother to thank me.

Moving on, some of the PMs readers would like to see include:

Star Wars droid R2-D2 — "The Conservatives should like him because he is, after all, a robot just like Stephen Harper." (John Cook)

Conrad Black — "Already in jail — saves us time and money." (Dave)

Pinocchio — "We’d know right away when he’s lying." (Barry Onizak)

Krusty the Klown — "How will we know him from the rest of the gang in Ottawa? It’s quite simple — he’ll be the one with the more sober thoughts." (L. Kastrukoff)

CTV weather personality Sylvia Kuzyk — "She could just tell Canadians what they want to hear: ‘Tomorrow will be sunny and warm, with lower taxes!’" (Jacqui Langdon)

Rolling Stone Keith Richards — "Neither the French nor the English could complain about his accent as no one can understand him." (Joan Kunderman)

Jim Carrey — "Finally we will get a prime minister on Letterman!" (Al Shell)

Stray cat "The Fuzz" — "He did not appear particularly charismatic, spoke little if any English, was unloved and unwanted, but he’s still here today. Sound familiar? Right! Stéphane Dion." (Lloyd Barkman)

Which brings us to our winning entry, which is (dramatic pause) a TIE! Yes, the winners (who will each receive a copy of The Greatest Manitobans and tickets for a swell event) are Andrea Black and El Hancox, both of whom voted for… Santa Claus!

Andrea’s reasons included: "1) Who better to stimulate the economy than the world’s largest toy distributor? 2) We could save on spending by making the justice system redundant — Santa already knows who’s been naughty and who’s been nice; 3) It would probably clear up any issues regarding Arctic sovereignty."

Added El: "The entire population of Canada holds an annual parade in his honour. Need I say more?"

No, El, you don’t. Thanks to everyone for entering. Sorry I couldn’t squeeze them all in. I realize many of you would have picked a different winner, and that’s OK with me.

Maybe, as reader Heather Sirkovsky suggests, we should all just vote for Pamela Anderson… because if we’re going to have a couple of big boobs running the country it would be nice if we only paid them one salary.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca