Football not just bunch of tight ends

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 03/02/2012 (5282 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

There are only two more sleeps until Super Bowl Sunday, the day on which football fans traditionally gather to celebrate one of the world’s most culturally significant sporting events by seeing who can create the largest nacho cheese stain on their host’s living room carpet.

The important thing for serious fans to remember is that, when kickoff time arrives, you want to be surrounded by a classy group of friends, elegant furnishings, gourmet snacks and a television that is thinner than Paris Hilton but with a total viewing area the size of a battleship.

This rules out attending a party in your home, which is not a bad thing.

Unless you enjoy wiping onion dip off your new leather couch and finding leftover shrimp stuffed in your electrical sockets, it’s probably better to attend a party in the home of someone more sophisticated than yourself.

I personally will be celebrating Super Bowl XLVI in the home of my good friends Kevin and Charlene.

For the record, Kevin is an Edmonton Eskimos fan, which means he does not understand the complexities of professional football; whereas Charlene is this paper’s pet columnist, so she has a solid grasp of the multiple tight-end offence and the two-gap 3-4 defensive system.

I hate making sweeping generalizations, but it’s safe to say the Super Bowl experience is extremely different depending on your particular gender on game day.

For example, men, who learn the intricacies of the game at their father’s knee tend to narrow their focus to the single most important part of the championship game, by which I mean finding out what time this year’s Victoria’s Secret commercial will be airing.

In contrast, women — and when I say “women” I don’t mean all women, just every woman I know — will gather in tightly knit clumps to debate which of the two opposing quarterbacks is more physically attractive.

I conducted a survey of all the women in my home and discovered New England Patriots QB Tom Brady, who is married to a Brazilian supermodel, is considered “super-cute,” whereas the New York Giants’ Eli Manning “seems like a nice guy but looks like he fell off a turnip truck.”

I did some research on the Internet and discovered a host of websites that support these findings.

For instance, NFLInjury.com ranked the “top 25 best looking NFL players” and rated Eli and his brother, Peyton, injured superstar QB for the Indianapolis Colts, jointly as No. 20, while Brady was the runaway No. 1 pick.

You’ll think I’m kidding, but even the venerable Wall Street Journal last year asked a group of university researchers to analyze the facial symmetry of 320 NFL starters to determine, scientifically, which NFL team is the handsomest.

Who won the beauty pageant? Here are just a few of the Journal’s findings:

1) The most physically attractive team was the Buffalo Bills, who may look cute to a computer but play football like the Vienna Boys Choir;

2) Quarterbacks are NOT the most attractive players. No, sir, the best-looking players are (wait for it) the kickers. In an interesting historical footnote, I was once a kicker;

3) The computer program rated Tom Brady the No. 8 best-looking QB, while poor Eli Manning trailed at No. 15.

Out of journalistic fairness, I will point out Ashley Madison, a dating website for married people who want to have affairs, recently conducted a survey that found 54 per cent of women would rather canoodle with Eli than Tom, and by “canoodle” I mean “you know exactly what I mean.”

So, who’s going to win the Super Bowl this year? I don’t have a clue. But, according to legendary bookie Vinnie “the Finger” Viniteri, the Patriots are 2-1 favorites because, quote: “Tom Brady is a real dreamboat!”

 

doug.speirs @freepress.mb.ca