Celebrity baby names

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This article was published 29/06/2013 (4662 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

It has come to our attention most media outlets are obsessed with celebrity pregnancies.

Glossy magazines and tabloid TV shows are fascinated by which star is having a baby, might be sporting a baby bump, or may at one time or another have been in the same room as a baby.

We, however, do not have time to obsess about such trivial things, because we are far too busy being obsessed with the wacky names celebrities give their kids.

This obsession flared up last weekend when we learned famed rapper Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, famous for being famous, named their new daughter (insert dramatic pause here) North West.

Why North West? HollywoodLife.com says the name isn’t a direction; it’s a metaphor suggesting their newborn is “the most amazing thing in the world.”

“What’s north of North? Nothing,” one source chirped.

But is North West the craziest celebrity baby name? Some websites say yes, but we’re not so sure. If you Google the topic, you’ll get 40,200,000 hits, which is a sign the end of the world is fast approaching.

To save you some time, we spawned our own list of wacky baby names. And, no, Uma Thurman’s daughter, Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson, didn’t make the cut. Here’s our personal Top 5:

5) The parents: Jason Lee, star of TV’s My Name is Earl, and Beth Riesgraf from the TV series Criminal Minds.

The kid: Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf Lee

Born: Sept. 28, 2003.

What the (bad word) were they thinking: It seems the name was inspired by a song from the rock band Grandaddy with this lyric: “He’s simple, He’s dumb, He’s the pilot.” How does the kid deal with his offbeat moniker? Gushes Jason: “He loves it. He goes to a little hippie school where all the children have interesting names. He has a friend named Zoot.”

Here’s hoping he lands a career in commercial aviation.

 

4) The parents: Celebrity designer/diva Nicole Richie and pop punk rocker Joel Madden.

The kid: Sparrow James Midnight Madden

Born: Sept. 9, 2009

What the (bad word) were they thinking: According to celebrity websites, mom liked the “Captain Jack Sparrow connection,” while dad was reminded of the legendary Johnny Cash tune A Boy Named Sue. Explained Joel: “My worry raising a son in Hollywood is, what will he have to struggle for? I wanted to give him a name that he’s going to have to stand up for?”

And you wonder why some kids hate their parents.

 

3) The parents: Actress Shannyn Sossamon, best known for starring in A Knight’s Tale opposite Heath Ledger, and children’s book author Dallas Clayton.

The kid: Audio Science Clayton

Born: May 29, 2003

What the (bad word) were they thinking: Sighed the actress: “We wanted a word, not a name, so my boyfriend read through the dictionary three or four times. We were going to call him Science, but thought it might get shortened to Sci, as in Simon.”

Makes sense to us. If they have another child, we think Popular Mechanics has a nice ring to it.

 

2) The parents: Comedian-magician Penn Jillette and wife, Emily Zolten.

The kid: Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette

Born: June 7, 2005

What the (bad word) were they thinking: As for the first name, Penn told the New York Times: “Moxie is a name that was created by an American for the first national soft drink and then went on to mean chutzpah, and that’s nice.” As for the rest: “We chose her middle name because when she’s pulled over for speeding she can say, ‘But, officer, we’re on the same side. My middle name is CrimeFighter.'”

Want to bet she’ll end up marrying Batman?

 

1) The parents: The legendary and late rock musician Frank Zappa — rated by Rolling Stone as the 71st greatest artist of all time — and his wife, Gail Sloatman.

The kids: Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet Emuukha Rodan and Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen Zappa.

Born: 1967, 1969, 1974 and 1979.

What the (bad word) were they thinking: There’s no way to get inside the mind of a genius who created such classic albums as Weasels Ripped my Flesh and Burnt Weeny Sandwich. Normally we’d save the last word for ourselves, but not today.

Here’s what Frank told Joan Rivers about his kids’ names: “Consider for a moment any beauty in the name Ralph.”

And, speaking for all dads, he famously declared: “The fact is that no matter what first names I might have given them, it is the last name that is going to get them in trouble.”

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca