Dewitos nacho great to me

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This article was published 19/11/2014 (4175 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse; just when you thought western civilization couldn’t sink any lower than Kim Kardashian’s baby-oiled butt; just when you thought there had to be a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, along comes news of what is arguably the most terrifying scientific breakthrough in recent memory.

There’s no easy way to break this to you, so I’m just going to blurt it out — the food scientists at PepsiCo have created an experimental nacho cheese Doritos-flavoured version of Mountain Dew.

I wish I was making this up, but I’m not — the soft-drink giant has figured out a way to marry the addictive nacho cheesy taste of its Doritos tortilla chips with the citrusy sugar-bomb sweetness of Mountain Dew and turn it into a bright-orange fizzy beverage.

They’re calling it (dramatic pause) “Dewitos,” and I know exactly what you are thinking. You are thinking: “BLAAAAARGH!” Which is entirely reasonable, but we need to take several steps back today and ponder the development of liquefied tortilla chips from a relatively safe distance.

The cyberworld began buzzing a few days ago when a lone Reddit user, a freshman at Kent State University in Ohio, revealed the existence of the new Franken-soda by posting an alarming photo of a mysterious orange liquid after attending a taste test on campus.

“It honestly wasn’t that disgusting,” student Steve Barnes wrote. “It was just really weird. Like if you shoved a handful of Doritos in your mouth and chugged some Dew at the same time. Not that I’ve ever done that.”

Everyone assumed it was just a hoax, but all hope was lost when PepsiCo issued a statement confirming it was testing “Dewitos” at college campuses throughout the U.S.

“We are always testing out new flavours of Mountain Dew, and giving our fans a voice in helping decide on the next new product has always been important to us,” PepsiCo chirped in its statement.

Here’s how talk show host Stephen Colbert put it this week on his show, The Colbert Report: “Food scientists are now using undergrad lab rats to test a new Mountain Dew, Dorito hybrid. You were right, stoners, Frito-Lay can hear your thoughts.”

I personally was blissfully ignorant something this potentially disgusting was brewing until late Monday when I learned of it via the standard journalistic technique of lying on the couch in my den watching The Ellen Show.

Host Ellen DeGeneres shared the news, then lured a volunteer — a San Diego woman named Hilary Loretta — out of the audience for an impromptu taste test.

It’s not known when or if “Dewitos” will make it to store shelves, so Ellen mixed up her own batch of “Mountain Dew Not” by taking a pitcher of pop, filling it with nacho-cheese Doritos, then mashing the chips until the concoction turned bright orange.

“So you like it?” Ellen demanded as my wife, She Who Must Not Be Named, and I watched in anticipation. “I didn’t say I liked it,” Loretta squeaked. “It’s not that bad … It’s like a sweet Dorito.”

In today’s fast-paced world, that review might be enough for some journalists. But, as readers already know, I am not “some journalists.” Which is why, as a public service, I decided to bravely conduct an unbiased test in my own home.

This involved me driving to the Safeway down the street and buying a family-sized package of Doritos and a two-litre bottle of Mountain Dew. Before combining the ingredients, I took several selfies because I felt this was the sort of thing a hip, Ellen-watching scientist would do.

Then, after mixing the chips and the soda together in a big plastic pitcher I found behind the bar in our basement, I took the standard safety precaution recommended by federal government scientists of asking your wife to try it first.

“ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!” is what my wife shrieked, although I am paraphrasing here to make her unscientific comment more palatable for a family newspaper.

Finally, with the kind of courage you rarely see outside of daytime talk shows, I raised a beer glass filled with the orange sludge to my lips and took several brave sips. You know how sometimes you are afraid to try something, but when you finally take the plunge, you discover it’s not so bad after all, way better than you could have imagined?

Well, that was not the case with my homemade Dewitos. Imagine washing your dog in the tub, then tossing in lemons, limes and several pounds of nacho cheese dust and you’ll know how it tasted.

I don’t want to be unduly alarmist, but as a crusading journalist, my real fear is that once Pepsico has finished giving this stuff to college students, they’ll try testing it on humans.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca