Waiter! Where’s my popcorn?

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 21/01/2015 (4121 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Call me a crusading journalist with fire in his eyes, but I recently did something so reckless and daring you will probably think I am making it up.

I went to an actual movie in an actual movie theatre with my wife and some close friends.

This is not something I have done in years, because when you are the size of a major kitchen appliance, squeezing into a standard movie-theatre seat is extremely uncomfortable.

The seats in normal theatres are fine if you happen to be the size of the Mayor of Munchkin Land, but it is a different story if, like me or the Incredible Hulk, you do not have the sort of physique that allows you to buy pants off the rack.

I stopped going to theatres because it was like trying to watch a movie while flying on a bargain airline, wherein you have to tuck your knees up under your chin, and the person in the seat behind you is continually kicking the back of your chair and, if there is any turbulence during the film, throwing up in a small paper bag.

It seemed to me you would have a lot more room in which to enjoy the movie if you simply bought an extra-large tub of hot-buttered popcorn, gobbled down the popcorn, then climbed inside the tub and peered over the rim. You would definitely need to take a shower after this, but it would be a small price to pay.

The point I am making is I recently agreed to leave my house and go see a movie because it was being screened in one of the city’s cool new adults-only VIP theatres, where you pay a bit more in exchange for some awesome benefits, such as being able to consume alcoholic beverages in a seat that is a cross between an airline pilot’s chair and a luxury leather recliner with a little table to hold your snooty, upscale snacks. Also, your shoes do not become cemented to the floor by a congealed mixture of spilled soda pop and melted Jujubes.

In the VIP theatres, they have formally attired serving personnel lined up against the walls, and the moment you sit down, they lunge at you with menus and offer to bring you whatever you want before the movie begins.

My wife ordered a huge tub of popcorn, but I wanted to test the boundaries of snacking, so after perusing the menu, I said: “I’d like the bucket of deep-fried pickles and a large root beer float to wash them down.”

The waitress seemed surprised, so I quickly added this explanation: “I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant.”

Moments later, there I was, cramming my face with fried pickles and trying to hoover up the last few drops of float with a straw, which resulted in me creating one of the loudest and most annoying noises known to humankind.

Me: (sucking on the straw) “SLUUURP! SLUUURP!”

My wife: (hissing loudly) “Are you (bad word) kidding me?”

Me: “SLUUURP! SLUUURP!”

My wife: “Stop that right now or I’ll beat you to death with my water bottle, and no court in the land will convict me!”

It turns out the snacks in the VIP theatres can land you in hot water, as my good buddy Big Daddy Tazz, a well-known standup comedian, discovered on his first visit to the upscale movie palace. Before the movie began, Tazz began nibbling a tub of french fries on the table on the right side of his chair, but soon noticed the stranger sitting to his right was sneaking some of his fries. Tazz would take a chip, then the stranger would munch one.

My comic buddy was just about to point out the chip thief to his wife, when she gestured at an untouched tub of fries on the table attached to the LEFT side of his chair. “You should eat your chips, dear, before they get cold,” Tazz’s wife advised, which is when he realized he had inadvertently been stealing fries from the guy next to him.

“Ha ha ha,” Tazz told the stranger. “I’m really sorry. You should have told me I was stealing your fries.”

To which the stranger beamed: “I would have but I recognized you. I just thought you were trying to be funny.”

Getting back to our movie, we saw the final part of The Hobbit trilogy, which is in 3D, meaning you have to wear those special glasses that instantly transform you into Capt. Dork from the Planet Dorktron 9.

The 3D effect was so powerful that throughout the film I found myself reaching out to grab items floating in front of my face, like a dragon’s tail or a bit of sparkly treasure.

At the end of the movie, we were in the VIP cocktail lounge, and I forgot I was wearing the 3D glasses, so when a waiter walked by, I waved a hand back and forth in front of his face.

“Can I help you, sir?” he asked in an icy tone.

“Sorry,” I sniffed, “it’s just that you looked so real.”

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca