Kids turn plans into beautiful chaos

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 01/03/2021 (1837 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

When I became a parent almost six years ago, I had this assumption of what my child would be like.

I had no basis for this, just the idea that I would cruise through motherhood with this little person who was identical to me, only smaller and cuter. Before she was even born I made grandiose claims that there would be no such thing as co-sleeping, nor an abundance of screen time in our home.

I assured everyone I knew that my child would never run wild through a restaurant or a Walmart shrieking at the top of her lungs. All her food would be made from scratch. I boasted that I wasn’t going to lose myself in motherhood.

I envisioned it perfectly.

I was so naive and arrogant. I can’t even tell you how many times I uttered the phrase, “When I have kids, they’ll never…” I believed with every fibre of my being that somehow I would sashay through parenthood unscathed, with a child who would be the perfect fit for my life. No chaos, no mess.

I can say now, in retrospect, that I hadn’t actually realized what having a baby would be like. I didn’t consider her humanity and personhood in a deep or meaningful way before she was born. In fact, until she was here, my pregnancy, my baby and the life I imagined after she was born all centred around me.

I meant no harm by thinking this way. I was ignorant and inexperienced; looking back, I chuckle when I see how little depth there was to my thought process. Of course having a child changes your entire life. The best way to describe it is that the night my daughter was born, her mother was born too.

Suddenly, all the plans and ideas I’d had about parenthood didn’t make much sense because of how shallow they were. I don’t know why it took me so long to realize that the little person was indeed going to change every single thing about my life, and more than that, she wasn’t going to fit into this idea of who I assumed she would be.

She was and is her own person, and my life was our life. For better or worse.

That was one of the first lessons I learned — and am still learning — about taking care of someone else and being a mom. When you have a child, you don’t get to decide who they are, or even what they’re like. No matter how hard you try to steer your kids down a particular path, or how much you think they should be, look or act a certain way, they have their own identity. They are who they are, and it’s the most beautiful thing, really.

My little girl is spirited. Her personality and her feelings are enormous. She’s not perfect by any stretch, but she’s wonderful, she’s smart and she tries really hard. There is a fire in her belly and sparkles in her soul, and even though she is still small, she has a good grasp on what she likes and what she doesn’t. She is unapologetically confident and not afraid to use her voice.

This child has made me go back on every single parenting thing I said I wasn’t going to do. She’s not always an easy kid to raise, but she’s always an easy kid to love. Most of all, it’s been really wonderful getting to know her and watching her grow and change over the years.

Why am I writing this love letter to my child in the paper? Because it dawned on me a few days ago that I need to keep reminding myself I’m not always going to understand my kid. I’m going to get frustrated when we clash or when our communication breaks down, but no matter what, she is her own person and I accept and love her for who she is. After all, that’s our job as parents. To love and accept our kids no matter what.

shelley.cook@freepress.mb.ca

Twitter: @ShelleyACook