Mothers on mission to create safe space for parents

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This article was published 27/06/2022 (1249 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Sixteen years ago, two mothers, Alba Lopez Gomez and Naomi Finkelstein, met at a meeting of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.

“I went… because my son had come out, and I had never gone to a support meeting for anything,” explained Finkelstein. “This was one thing that I really knew that I had to do. I knew I was going to support my child, but I wasn’t quite sure how.”

At the same meeting, Lopez Gomez, whose son had come out as transgender and was around the same age as Finkelstein’s son, was trying to navigate how best to support her child. In fact, Finkelstein said, the boys had probably met one another in high school when they attended the same group at the Rainbow Resource Centre.

The women hit it off. They were the only two parents at the meeting whose kids were transgender. They formed a tight friendship almost immediately. At that time, there wasn’t a lot of support or resources for parents.

They rainbow centre gave them space to hold meetings for parents and loved ones of trans individuals. For the first three years, it was just the two of them. They’d get together once a month for dinner and sit in the lobby at the centre, talking and waiting for other people to show up. Slowly but surely people started to come.

“We have two meetings a month because there was a need for it,” Lopez Gomez said, noting that parents asked for more meetings. “Now people are saying that we should have a Zoom meeting added because there are a lot of people who aren’t able to come or are uncomfortable, and because there are a lot of people who are out of town and cannot attend.”

The purpose of the group is to support one another, share information, resources, knowledge and experiences in a non-judgmental way.

Lopez Gomez said she encourages critical thinking. She said that it’s important to understand why we think the way we think towards people to reflect on their views about gender.

“We tell parents to come to the group, discuss it (concerns) in the group. Don’t put anything on your child. Whatever feelings you have, wait, email us. What the child needs in that moment is to feel that they are loved and supported,” said Lopez Gomez.

The pair say that having a loved one come out as transgender can be overwhelming and spark questions, confusion, and even feelings of grief.

“My take on it is that you have this child, this was the gender of the child, and then you end up with somebody who is not who you thought they were,” Lopez Gomez explained.

“So, there’s always some grieving to do, but I want to let you know that your grieving has nothing to do with the love that you feel for this child and the support you want to give them. The grieving is part of process, and you have to honour that.”

“Although the child is still there, it is a loss,” Finklestein said. “Because most parents have dreams and expectations stored up in their head about their children and those are gone.”

In the group, they discuss topics like language and setting boundaries with friends and family members when talking about their transgender relative. Topics like body parts and surgery are nobody’s business, and a person’s gender pronouns and new name and identity are not up for discussion or debate. Another topic they discuss is when someone transitions, the whole family transitions as well.

“We haven’t been educated to look at gender as variant or flexible, or non-binary,” Lopez Gomez said. “Now our children put us in this position, and they are wonderful teachers. We have to delegate ourselves to be able to be their voice; to be able to advocate and to be able to protect them.”

“We tell the parents to take the lead of the child, you know, the child is going to lead you and tell you, even the little ones,” Finkelstein added.

The two women have helped several other parents and family members. Lopez Gomez and Finkelstein have created a safe place for people to understand the thoughts, feelings and conflicts that often go hand in hand with having a loved one who identifies as transgender.

“You do it because you love your kid and you want to make it as easy for everybody as possible,” Finkelstein said.

Currently, the group has 400 email subscribers and usually 15 people attend the meetings, which take place on the second and fourth Tuesday of the month, 7 p.m. to 9 p.m. Registration is required for new attendees.

For information, send an email to pffoti@rainbowresourcecentre.org.

Shelley.cook@freepress.mb.ca

Twitter: @shelleyACook