Not a lotta love for Pink Candy KD

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 30/01/2021 (2072 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

If you thought the news couldn’t possibly get worse, I am sorry to report you could not be more wrong.

I say that because I have just read an extremely disturbing news release that was forwarded to me by several editors at this newspaper.

It announced that one of the staples of the Canadian diet — I’m talking about Kraft Dinner, obviously — is under attack by the very people who make it.

“Kraft Dinner sweetens up the cheesiest holiday with a new way to show love,” chirped the news release, which unveiled an alarming new flavour of KD to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

I will tell you more about that in a moment, but first I want to express mounting outrage over the fact that the nice folks at Kraft seem to be going out of their way to alienate those of us in the True North who have been fans of this quintessentially Canadian product for decades.

It would be fair to say Kraft Dinner is the national dish of Canada, even though it’s eerie orange colour is frighteningly reminiscent of former U.S. president Donald Trump’s unnatural skin tone.

I would go as far as to say KD is even more Canadian than any of the other delicious food items for which this nation is famous, including poutine, Nanaimo bars, Timbits, and your grandmother’s butter tarts.

And yet the makers of this sacred gooey dish seem determined to come up with weird flavours that are designed to destroy our taste buds — and win them free publicity — as they did last October when they introduced Pumpkin Spice Kraft Dinner.

Regular readers will know I frequently rant about the trend to make everything taste like pumpkin spice, as the folks at Hormel Foods did in 2019 when they released (Eeeeew!) Pumpkin Spice Spam.

The reviews for Pumpkin Spice KD were generally awful, but I suspect right-minded Canadians will be appalled to learn of the new limited-edition flavour Kraft announced this week in honour of Valentine’s Day — Pink Candy KD.

Accompanying the news release was an eye-watering photo of a bowl of electric-pink KD in which the macaroni was even pinker than (give me a second to think about other pink things) bubble gum, cotton candy, rubber erasers or that diamond engagement ring J.Lo got from Ben Affleck back in the day.

“Time to start humanity over again from scratch,” is what one angry Twitter use groused in response to the new fluorescent flavour.

According to Kraft, Canadians who want to get their mitts on a heart-shaped box of pink mac and cheese will have to follow @kraftdinnerca and CandyKD.ca, then post their best pickup lines and cheesiest love poems on social media.

“Valentine’s Day might be the cheesiest day of the year and as Canada’s favorite cheesy dish, we wanted to join in the fun,” Brian Neumann, a senior brand manager at Kraft Heinz, said in the news release. “By combining the colour and flavour of Valentine’s Day with our iconic one-of-a-kind cheesy taste, we’re excited to give Canadians a new way to show their love this year, with Candy KD.”

I was ready to condemn this new limited-edition of pink KD, which “features hints of sweet, sweet candy,” but, what with being a fair-minded journalist, I thought I should try to get my hands on a sample first.

Which is why today I am going to write a handful of heart-felt macaroni-related love poems to post on social media in hopes the folks at Kraft Heinz will send me the kit in a “candy-styled box in the shape of a giant Conversation Heart” that includes their Candy KD and, for some reason, a complimentary fork.

I am not a professionally trained poet, but here are a few verses wrenched from my soul that I hope will express my deepest feelings for the newest, and sweetest, flavour of this iconic Canadian dish:

Poem No. 1: “Roses are red/KD is now pink/Eating candy noodles/Will drive me to drink!”

Poem No. 2: “Roses are red/Violets are blue/Maybe pink mac and cheese/Will help me pitch woo.”

Poem No. 3: “Roses are red/Kraft Dinner is cheesy/I pray this dumb contest/Turns out to be easy.”

Poem No. 4: “Roses are red/This poem is brief/I’ll bet Candy KD/Is bad for our teeth.”

Poem No. 5: “Roses are red/Orchids are ivory/Sugar is sweet/And so is KD!”

Poem No. 6: “Roses are red/Violets are blue/I’ll eat Pink Candy KD/With no one but you!”

Poem No. 7: “Roses are red/KD should be orange/But that doesn’t rhyme/With (bad word) anything!”

That just about does it, macaroni and poetry lovers. I doubt my efforts stirred feelings of true love in your heaving bosom, or the pit of your stomach, but that’s not the point.

The point is I will be watching my mailbox to see if I get a free sample of Pink Candy KD. I just hope the folks at Kraft know how important this is to all Canadians, because as we sing in our national anthem: “O Canada/We stand on guard for KD!”

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca