Oscar CHEAT SHEET

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 27/02/2011 (5463 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Really, other than serious film wonks, who has time to see all 10 Best Picture nominees?

Our handy cheat sheet covers a number of possible Oscar party scenarios:

— GET THE PARTY STARTED: A question or point that deflects attention away from your pitiable Oscar knowledge.

— SET PHRASES TO STUN: Make it seem as if you’ve actually seen the movie you’re talking about. Fools!

— THEM’S FIGHTIN’ WORDS: Let this grenade go, then stand back and watch the fireworks fly between the cinematic snobs.

Here, then, are the Best Picture nominees in alphabetical order — rather than in order of pretension. (And it goes without saying: major SPOILER ALERT.)

127 Hours

— GET THE PARTY STARTED: Which was grosser: when James Franco cut off his arm or when he drank his pee?

— SET PHRASES TO STUN: Personal freedom, dry mouth.

— THEM’S FIGHTIN’ WORDS: What a reckless, irresponsible jerk.

Black Swan

— GET THE PARTY STARTED: How ’bout that hot lesbian scene, huh?

— SET PHRASES TO STUN: Duality of man, sexual awakening, hot lesbian scene.

— THEM’S FIGHTIN’ WORDS: Of course, that wasn’t really a hot lesbian scene. It was a hot masturbation scene.

The Fighter

— GET THE PARTY STARTED:character.

— SET PHRASES TO STUN: Underdog, adversity, addiction, familial relations.

— THEM’S FIGHTIN’ WORDS: I liked the film better when it was released under the title Rocky III. And it had Mr. T.

Inception

— GET THE PARTY STARTED: What about that spinning top?

— SET PHRASES TO STUN: The Allegory of the Cave (say it with the capitals), reality, obsessive love.

— THEM’S FIGHTIN’ WORDS:: Nolan didn’t deserve a nomination for directing.

The Kids Are All Right

— GET THE PARTY STARTED: Forget the relationship: what about that house!

— SET PHRASES TO STUN: Slice of life, a family is a family.

— THEM’S FIGHTIN’ WORDS: The movie would have been just as good if it was about a straight couple.

The King’s Speech

— GET THE PARTY STARTED: And I thought my family was dysfunctional.

— SET PHRASES TO STUN: Triumph of the will, Oscar bait.

— THEM’S FIGHTIN’ WORDS: Overrated. (Just don’t stutter when you say it.)

The Social Network

— GET THE PARTY STARTED: Incredible to think Facebook came about entirely because a nerd was rejected by a girl.

— SET PHRASES TO STUN: Betrayal, social, networking, poke, geeks.

— THEM’S FIGHTIN’ WORDS: When did they start releasing made-for-TV movies in theatres?

Toy Story 3

— GET THE PARTY STARTED: I cried the first five minutes.

— SET PHRASES TO STUN: Innocence lost, childhood regained,

— THEM’S FIGHTIN’ WORDS: Cartoons shouldn’t be allowed in the Best Picture category.

True Grit

— GET THE PARTY STARTED: It was nice to see the Coens tone down their grim humour for something a little more human and real.

— SET PHRASES TO STUN: Bleak, revenge, pathos, wordy.

— THEM’S FIGHTIN’ WORDS: I would have shot that smarmy little brat myself.

Winter’s Bone

— GET THE PARTY STARTED: Could you believe it when Ree skinned that squirrel?

— SET PHRASES TO STUN: Hardscrabble existence, dental work, the ties that bind.

— THEM’S FIGHTIN’ WORDS: It was just so bleak. Couldn’t it have been a bit brighter?

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