Tackling the Super Bowl

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 04/02/2016 (3517 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

There are only three more sleeps until Super Bowl 50, and all you football fans know exactly what that means, don’t you?

It means you are running out of time to make arrangements for your “super fun” Super Bowl party.

Ha ha ha! OK, I can tell by the surprised look on your face you didn’t realize you are, in fact, holding a Super Bowl party.

Well, you are, and if you don’t want to be ridiculed by friends, family and acquaintances, you’d better get started. Fortunately, Uncle Doug is here to help with his step-by-step super planning guide, beginning with…

 

• Step No. 1 — As a veteran party planner, I know the first order of business is finding a location for the party. The key thing to keep in mind is this: do NOT hold the party at your house!

I’m not kidding about this. If you have ever spent two weeks trying to remove clam-dip stains from shag carpeting, you will know what I’m talking about.

• Step No. 2 — Find a friend who is “easily manipulated.” I’m talking about the sort of friend who, back in high school biology class, willingly ate the internal organs of a dissected frog for a quarter.

Inform this friend he has been randomly elected to host this year’s Super Bowl bash and he will easily be the most popular guy on the block, provided he purchases a state-of-the-art television that is large enough to be seen by astronauts on the International Space Station.

• Step No. 3 — What’s a party without “super delicious” snacks? Well, it’s probably a board meeting, but that’s not the point. The point is you need to ensure the party is well-stocked with yummy appetizers that appeal to a wide variety of fans.

For starters, get a bunch of healthy, nutritious fruits and vegetables (possibly cauliflower and pineapple, assuming you can get a loan from your bank), carefully cut them into bite-sized pieces, then slowly thread these morsels onto wooden skewers and arrange them on a platter.

• Step No. 4 — Take a moment here to admire the snacks you made in Step No. 3. OK, now take those healthy tidbits and fling them into the nearest garbage can, because WHO ARE YOU (BAD WORD) KIDDING! THIS IS A SUPER BOWL PARTY NOT A GIRL GUIDE CONVENTION!
• Step No. 5 — Now that we are all on the same page, nutritionally speaking, whip up some treats suitable for partygoers who also happen to be guys of your particular gender.

What I’m talking about here are “snacks that contain enough grease to float a battleship.” These would include items from the chicken wing group, the doughnut group, the miniature cheeseburger group and the taco group. Napkins and insulin shots are optional.

• Step No. 6 — We should take a moment here to talk about decor. Since it’s a Super Bowl party, you will want to ensure your guests arrive wearing the official colours of the competing teams, namely the Denver Broncos and the Carolina Panthers.

The Broncos’ official colour is orange, whereas the Panthers’ main colour is something along the lines of blue, or teal, possibly aquamarine. OK, no one actually knows what their official colour is, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is your guests arrive sporting one of those colours so you can mock them for having the fashion sense of a cinder block.

• Step No. 7 — As a columnist at a family newspaper, Uncle Doug is not allowed to encourage betting. However, he sees nothing wrong with a few “friendly wagers,” provided they give you decent odds on which direction Peyton Manning’s tibia will be facing after his leg is torn off by the Panthers’ defence. (Hint: Las Vegas oddsmakers suggest the smart money is on “southwest.”)
• Step No. 8 — Remind your host (Tip: this should NOT be you) it is important to ensure the comfort of all guests, especially in the bathroom. According to an etiquette website I have just visited, it is essential to put an extra roll of toilet tissue on top of the tank in case of emergencies.

Here is an important Super Toilet Bowl fact from the website of the Daytona Daily News: “During Super Bowl halftime, there are an estimated 90 million toilet flushes. That’s equivalent to 180 million gallons of water flowing at once, or 3.5 minutes of flowing water on the Niagara Falls.”

• Step No. 9 — As anyone who has seen a Super Bowl will tell you, it’s important to stay focused… on the commercials. The game itself usually sucks, but the ads make everything worthwhile.

The bad news is, you will be watching the game in Canada, which means no matter which commercial is broadcast, it will contain the same three Canadian actors. “Hey,” you will say to your fellow partygoers, “isn’t the mom in this taco dip ad the same woman who played the toilet-bowl obsessed housewife in the Lysol commercial?”

• Step No. 10 — Don’t humiliate yourself by revealing you know nothing about football. So I suggest at random points, you mention the following fun but true facts: a) The average salary for a player today is US$2.1 million; b) Football telecasts last about three hours, but the ball is usually only in play for 11 minutes; and c) The average defensive tackle weighs 315 pounds and will lose nine pounds of water during the game.
• Step No. 11 — If you can remember all these dorky facts, I have one last question — would you be willing to eat this frog spleen for a quarter?

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca