Dear Dr. Phil

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 16/03/2015 (3857 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dr. Phil Show
5482 Wilshire Boulevard #1902
Los Angeles, CA 90036

 

Dear Dr. Phil;

Boy, have I got a doozy of a story for you.

Should you accept it, you won’t just be trying to heal a family, but an entire province.

And if you’re successful you could be immortalized forever in our province’s history. I came up with a photo to show you just one possibility. Everything else appears for sale in my province. Why not the Golden Boy’s head!

Anyway, I do hope you like the picture I picked of you. I stole it off the Internet. It does show your winning smile, and you’ll certainly need it if you venture north of the 49th.

Here’s the background in case you missed it on the news: Our government is in a mess. Nothing is getting done. Nobody is talking. It’s kind of like one of those dysfunctional families you deal with almost every day on your show.

Like this recent one: A woman says her father is an Imperial Wizard of the White Knights of the KKK and refuses to accept her biracial child.

And this one: Dr. Phil’s guests say they want to lose weight – but their loved ones are making it more difficult.

Now, I bet you’re asking how come you have to come to Winnipeg, and why can’t our government come to your studio in LA?

You’ll make the final call, Dr. Phil, but I reckon you coming here would be so much easier. That’s because our government has 36 people in it, and I’m not sure shoving all these people on your stage at the same time is a good idea. First of all, they’d all want to talk at once – you wouldn’t even hear yourself think – and second, a lot of them don’t like one another. You’d have to bring in extra security to keep them from tearing each other apart.

We have plenty of extra space here for you to tape your show. We could even do it on the floor of legislative chamber. It doesn’t get used that much anyway, and the seating plan would let you separate these people so that they’re at least more than spitting distance away from one another.

I know, I know, keeping 36 politicians in line at the same time with the same laser-like focus is asking a lot. It’s nobody’s dream job. That’s for sure.

So, how would you keep decorum, you ask? I have two words for you:

Brian Pallister.

He’s the leader of our opposition. He’s become the voice of reason in this cacophony that’s gripped our province. He’s a lot like you, Dr. Phil.

(Dr. Phil, every time I spell his first name, my spellchecker asks if I want to spell it ‘Brain’. It’s like my spellchecker knows something I don’t).

Anyway, Brian Pallister has personally said he wants to fix this problem that we have with our government. He’s said everything about it is wrong and that there needs to be a thorough house cleaning top to bottom the sooner the better.

Brain, I mean Brian, and you could do the show together, Dr. Phil.

There’s also a public gallery so you could charge admission to help pay for your trip. The gallery also doesn’t get used much, but with this, it could be a full house!

Sounds pretty good, eh?

But I know, you’re probably asking yourself about public safety. How do you keep so many people safe and healthy in such a powderkeg environment? Way ahead of you, Dr. Phil.

We have the finest paramedics and firefighters on the continent right here in Winnipeg. Heck, the firefighters could even wear their gold and black T-shirts so they can be spotted in an instant. They can be across that floor to help someone with the blink of an eye!

So Dr. Phil, what do you say?

Interested?

I know, it’s tough to believe all this, that this really happening.

We all think so, too.

Your biggest fan, Bruce