Going ape over boyfriend’s banana addiction

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 14/04/2015 (3844 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I know this is stupid, but can you help me? My boyfriend craves bananas and has one stuck in his mouth every time I turn around, such as right now. I told him there must be something wrong that he has to go around looking like a big ape every day, and he just says, “Chill. I just like bananas.” He consumes up to eight a day and says he “needs” them, thinks about them a lot and drives to 7-Eleven at night for them. Could there be something wrong with him? — Big Ape’s Mate, Downtown

 

Dear Ape Mate: While it may be annoying watching your boyfriend scarf down bananas, it sounds like he’s actually craving them for a reason. He should see a doctor who can find out what’s going on. Bananas are loaded with nutrients, but you don’t want an overload of anything. Doctors say two bananas a day are usually plenty, so it is time to find out what’s missing, if anything, in his body and why he’s craving a crazy amount of the yellow fruit.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband is a wealthy man, and not entirely honest. I am his second wife. He may have forgotten he said he hid a lot of money from his ex when they broke up. I confess I seduced him away from his wife when I was in my early 20s. I’m not proud of this, but I was young and greedy. I do love him and I believe he loves me, but he loves his money just as much. We have a prenuptial agreement. Do you think he’s hiding money where I would never find it if we ever broke up? — Lying Here Alone at 2 a.m., Tuxedo

 

Dear Lying There: Absolutely, he is! Look, Mrs. Gold Digger, honesty is neither your strong suit, nor your hubby’s. He may love you, but you can bet he is hiding some of the moolah. He’ll also remember telling you that secret as the stupidest thing he ever did, and will be way better at hiding his dough a second time. Do you think there may be a second divorce? Funny you should mention being in bed all alone at 2 a.m.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just wanted to put my two cents in about Good Neighbour who wants to take in the nasty neighbour’s dog that gets yelled at all the time. I’ve rescued three cats and a dog over the years. Our current cat was abandoned by our neighbours when they moved. Seriously — who does that?

To your reader: personally, I would leave a note in your neighbour’s mailbox explaining his demeanour and how you’ve noticed it. Let him know that if the dog is a cause of stress in his life, you would love to take ownership and responsibility of the animal, but if he chooses to keep the dog to please keep the yelling to a minimum. If your children are truly getting scared, let him know you’ll be reporting him to the police for disturbing the peace. You have a right to feel secure in your own home and in your own yard.

Don’t tell him who you are right away or exactly where you live. Leave an email address or your cell number so he can contact you. Those can be changed easily, but your home address can’t. Feel out the situation before going 100 per cent into it. It sounds like this guy may be an A-1 bully. — Be Careful, Winnipeg

 

Dear Careful: It is important not to wound the bully’s pride or he will never let go of the dog. Tact is all-important in getting that dog away from him without making him look bad.

 

Please send questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6