Best and worst of footy in 2023

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 22/12/2023 (1003 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

In an unexpected development, we’ve managed to get our hands on Santa’s Naughty-or-Nice List, 2023 World Football Edition.

Much of it, as you might expect, is quite predictable. Christine Sinclair (Nice) will be getting everything she wished for, and more; Joey Barton (Naughty) should hang the largest stocking he can find for the coal – several lumps of it – he deserves.

With Jolly ol’ St. Nick preparing this year’s airborne, reindeer-guided expedition, we feel it’s in the public interest that at least some of the roll is revealed to our readers. We’ve done our due diligence and checked it twice, so now let’s find out who’s naughty and nice.

Naughty List

Canadian Soccer (Association): The year began with Canada Soccer embarrassing itself in a parliamentary hearing and ended with the retirement of Christine Sinclair, this country’s biggest soccer star. In between, the women’s squad exited the World Cup at the group stage and the men’s, minus new Toronto FC boss John Herdman, lost to Jamaica in the Nations League.

Saudi Arabia: The Kingdom now owns the majority of its domestic league and employs the likes of Cristiano Ronaldo, Neymar and Karim Benzema as janitors in its sportwashing industry. The just-finished FIFA Club World Cup, taking place in Jeddah, was a 10-day advertisement for the human catastrophe known as “Neom,” and if football continues to resemble how Saudi Arabia wants it to look, its future isn’t as much a sport as a regime vehicle.

Faruk Koca: The MKE Ankaragucu president has been issued a lifetime ban from football after punching referee Halil Umut Meler during a Turkish Super Lig match earlier this month. The incident caused Turkish football to be suspended for a week, and Ankaragucu will have to play five home matches behind closed doors.

European Super League: Because the continent’s biggest clubs apparently don’t make enough money – despite being worth more than $65 billion combined – they naturally require yet another competition to drive revenue. This one, helped along Thursday by the European Court of Justice, would have the added benefit of excluding those pesky outfits that drive little revenue but still somehow lead La Liga and occupy Champions League positions in England, Germany, Italy and France.

Luis Rubiales: Let Luis be a reminder that without consent it is always 100 per cent assault (and, honestly, just plain gross) to kiss anyone, ever – no ifs, ands or buts.

Nice List

Xabi Alonso: His was one of the louder voices calling for Rubiales’ resignation after the ex-Spanish Football Federation president’s behaviour at the Women’s World Cup. He also volunteered financial information to a criminal probe that wound up finding him innocent of wrongdoing while convicting the likes of Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo. Aside from seeming to be a pretty decent guy, Xabi has guided Bayer Leverkusen to an unbeaten Hinrunde, or first half of the Bundesliga schedule, and established himself as one of the top coaches in Europe.

Paris FC: The European Super League’s exact opposite might be Paris FC. Since November, the club’s fans have been able to attend women’s and men’s matches free of charge – a practice that will continue through the end of the season. It’s an initiative designed to make attendance more accessible, with revenues offset by increased sponsorships and in-stadium amenities. Both the women’s team, which plays in Division 1 Feminine and recently beat Real Madrid in the Champions League, and the men’s team, in Ligue 2, have set attendance records this term.

Aston Villa: They haven’t won a major trophy since the 1995-96 League Cup, but as the Premier League’s holiday schedule gets underway, Aston Villa are adding some festive spice to the title race. The Villains have already beaten Chelsea, Tottenham, Manchester City and Arsenal this season, becoming everyone’s second-favourite team in the process. Unless, of course, they were already Villa fans.

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Jack Grealish: Some high-profile run-ins with the law might have marked his reputation long-term, but the Manchester City playmaker simply got down to playing excellent football, winning trophies and being a really good guy. He has written letters in braille to a blind City supporter, and at the 2022 World Cup celebrated a goal by doing a dance suggested by a fan with cerebral palsy.

Ki Klaksvik: They’re older than Chelsea and Borussia Dortmund and play in a tiny, picturesque stadium along the Haraldssund Fjord, which is often partially obscured by clouds. But Ki Klaksvik, winners of the last three Faroe Islands titles, went on a bit of a continental adventure in 2023, defeating Ferencvaros, Molde and Olimpija Ljubljana and drawing both Sheriff Tiraspol and Lille. Internationally, the Faroes even picked up a pair of points in Euro 2024 qualifying by drawing both Albania and Moldova. Not too shabby for a territory with about as many people as Brandon.

Our readers: Last, but not least, the nicest of all. Thank-you for reading, for your letters and for making this gig a true joy. May fun, friends and football be yours throughout the holidays and into the New Year.

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