The Blue Zoo: Somewhat offensive lineman

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This article was published 24/07/2009 (5924 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

The plan for this week’s Blue Zoo was to spend a few minutes with Kelly Bates and speak exclusively of his love for movies.

But as is often the case when an offensive lineman gets attention from the media, the rest of his linemates not only listen in, but provide running commentary/criticism and that can lead to complete mayhem.

That said, we soldier on…

Free Press: Last year’s B.C. Lions media guide says you can recite entire scenes from movies. Explain…

Bates: Something will just come up that reminds me of a line and I’ll just spit it out. It’s movies, The Simpsons… you have to realize I watched a lot of TV as a kid. I like to go to movies and I like to buy movies. I’ve got over 100 DVDs and I just watch them over and over. Sometimes watching something the 10th time is just as funny as the first time.

Free Press: So how many beers do you need to have had before you really start rolling?

Bates: It’s funny, some days you can just spit them out. I love Planes, Trains and Automobiles. And the other day it was Predator. We also were rolling with Full Metal Jacket but most of those we can’t repeat in the paper. Back to Predator, I couldn’t stop yelling (breaks into an Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation) ‘Get to the chopper!’ I love Arnold. Remember Commando?… ‘Way to let off some steam, Bennett.’

Free Press: You’ve really got Arnold down…

Bates: (More Arnold) ‘Hey Sully, remember when I said I’d kill you last?… I lied.’

Free Press: What’s in your movie collection, beside anything with Schwarzenegger and Planes, Trains and Automobiles?

Bates: I’ve got all genres from all different times. Probably one of my oldest movies is Cool Hand Luke. And everybody’s got Slapshot, don’t they?

Free Press: So give us a movie in your collection that might surprise us…

Bates: Oh I don’t know… Beautiful Girls. I love that movie. Youngblood… that’s a great movie. Spaceballs…

Free Press: You seem to have a thing for John Candy…

Bates: I love John Candy.

An interrupting Glenn January: He’s modelled his diet off of John Candy.

Bates: Just like you modelled your moustache after (porn star) Ron Jeremy.

Free Press: So growing up in Humboldt did you go to just about every movie that rolled into town?

Bates: Actually, I grew up in Quill Lake and went to high school in Humboldt. The first movie I can remember going to was Goonies. Glenn January, I think, starred as Chunk and Ryan Donnelly (who has also been listening in) was the goofy-looking guy. No, wait, that was Steve Morley.

(Madness and laughter)

Bates: Do the truffle shuffle! Do the truffle shuffle! (January gets up, exposes his midsection and does some odd dance) Yeah! There it is!

Free Press: You guys are nuts.

Bates: Ahhh, man… I loved Goonies.

Free Press: I’m trying to get this back on the rails here. Are you a guy that goes to the movies to laugh or are you into the cinematography and stuff?

Bates: I like the whole movie experience. I love going. I love getting the popcorn, I love the previews, the whole experience.

Free Press: Your greatest movie line is…

Bates: (giggling)…

Free Press: OK, give me something we can run in a family newspaper…

Bates: "What we’ve got here, is a failure to communicate…"

Free Press: Cool Hand Luke. Classic. That’s Strother Martin…

Bates: He was also in Slapshot. (Breaks into another impersonation)… "It reminds me of a guy Eddie Shore sent me in Omaha in ’48 who used to get penalties on purpose just so he could get to the penalty box and (edited out).

‘He’s had a trying rookie season, what with the litigation and the notoriety and his deportation to Canada and that country’s refusal to accept him…’

Free Press: You must be great at parties. But this isn’t the kind of skill that really leads to much other than winning a trivia contest at a house party.

Bates: Maybe it’ll get me your job one day.

Free Press: Ohhhhh!

Bates: Hey, if I didn’t have this weight problem it’s a skill that might work with the ladies.

January again: You see, as a young heavyset boy from Saskatchewan he didn’t have a lot of what you would call ‘friends’ which led to his habitual movie watching and (edited).

Free Press: This interview is completely of control now…

Bates: (Rattling off three X-rated clips not suitable for publication) What? You can’t put those in the paper, either?

January: What is this publication you write for and why have none of us ever heard of it before?

Free Press: That’s cruel.

Free Press: They’re making a movie called The Kelly Bates Story. Who’s playing you?

Bates: I’m tempted to say Johnny Depp. Wow… Seth Rogan. Actually, a fat Seth Rogan; he’s lost too much weight lately. Maybe Jonah, the fat guy from Superbad. Why am I making fun of myself so much?

Brendon LaBatte: I don’t know, but that’s you Bates.

Free Press: That is you. You don’t seem to be in a bad mood very often.

Bates: I do have bad moods once in awhile. But the older I’ve got the more I’ve learned to enjoy the guys around me because I realize it’s going to come to an end soon. So why not live in the moment and have fun? When you sacrifice so much for something and probably take about eight years off your life in the process… why not enjoy it, right?

ed.tait@freepress.mb.ca

Behind the face mask

KELLY BATES

Job title: Winnipeg Blue Bomber right guard

Age: 33

Hometown: Quill Lake, Sask.

Years with Bombers: 1; CFL: 8.

Favourite actor: Paul Newman and John Candy.

What’s on your iPod?: "I’ve got everything on there."

Favourite musician/band: "I’m a huge Steve Earle fan. I love the old thrash metal. Megadeth, Metallica, the Crue, Iron Maiden; old ’70s music, Thin Lizzy. And I love Canadian music. Neil Young, Sloan… I’m big on Canadian music."

Biggest inspiration: "My brother. We played high school football, junior football and university football together and he was always the shorter one and a ‘tweener’ when it came to a position. But he was always the hardest working guy in the weight room. He never got to see the field very much but it never curbed his love for the game."