Wave that flag loudly and proudly Manitoba

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 02/05/2020 (2212 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

“When we get back to normal,” Tobans have been overheard saying during COVID-19.

Meanwhile filmmakers think the province is so normal it looks like anywhere and everwhere. Oddly, Hollywood chose Manitoba for the movies Siberia, and Deserted Cities,Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell. Hallmark shoots diverse wintery American dreamlands here, and not even at Snowflake or Garland. (I only watch those shows to watch my wife, Margie, watch them.)

But looks aside, we all know Manitoba is no double. It’s unique. Not normal.

The province can’t be matched for shape and size, how it’s spelled or pronounced, or its date and place of birth, except for maybe the Northwest Territories. Or matched for population — but that keeps changing.

The word Manitoba even sounds special. Musicians from Toronto and New York name their bands with catchy handles including The Wilderness of Manitoba and Manitoba’s Wild Kingdom. How many bands name themselves after other places like, say, Boston or Chicago, Kansas or Alabama, or America?

Manitoba also has a special nickname: The Keystone Province. It’s stunning that a province is shaped like the keystone of an arch. Unfortunately, someone should tell local firms with Keystone in their names that it’s a mistake — the province shaped like a keystone is our arch-rival Saskatchewan.

And there’s inconclusive evidence of a keystone metaphor, with Manitoba binding east and west, although the Winnipeg Blue Bombers have bounced back and forth between the CFL’s east and west divisions. That does help.

Manitoba has no comparable shape. Astronauts stared down and pondered it over and again. The closest is an odd log I found in a woodpile. Dang, I should have kept it and, next chance, worked my way through a crowd to present it to the Queen.

Still, a log is cooler than a dull symmetrical keystone. Saskatchewan can go ahead and be a keystone. Manitoba can be The Odd Log Province.

I’m not convinced Rick Neufeld’s melodic Moody Manitoba Morning should be this busy, inclusive province’s song with lyrics, “Nothing’s really happening, it never does. Just got up and waited for the mailman.” Manitoba lacks a song because Manitoba doesn’t rhyme well, except with Oba, who are African Yoruba monarchs. I tried writing a tune with that, but it needed a theme.

In its song Minnedosa, Toronto band Johnson Crook tried, “Minnedosa, Manitoba. I can’t remember the last time I was soba.” This inspired me to try a drinking song. The chorus goes, “Minnesota, North Dakota: why’s your beer cheaper than Manitota?” Listen for it on the radio.

Manitoba’s motto is Gloriosus et Liber. To prevent us figuring it out, that’s Latin. It means Glorious and Free — lifted from O Canada, and strangely close to Alberta’s Strong and Free. If we’re looting the anthem, adopt the only line Jets’ fans shout at games: TRUE! NORTH!, and the always popular Go Jets Go. Or build on Manitoba’s slogan with Pretty, Friendly. How about Bargains Abound or maybe Glorious Cheapskatesus?

For its symbolic animals, it’s awesome Manitoba consulted Disney. The coat of arms features a clearly humiliated, but very talented beaver holding a crocus with a big crown on its back, balanced on a knight’s helmet left over from Halloween. Like Tobans, this beaver stoically endures. Farmers cringe because they, not beavers, must decide rural drainage, hence weapons such as the Beaver Baffler and Beaver Deceiver. Good luck little buddies.

Despite no polar bear, the coat of arms flaunts a white horse and bison. Then someone important must have said, “We need one more fitting mammal. Eureka, a white unicorn!”

The Winnipeg Jets’ flag is tops, but Manitoba’s official flag features a human-faced bison, heavy on mascara. Some say he’s devilish, creepy. I say he’s a ringer from Beauty and the Beast. The bison is fine but, while they browse, graze, and wallow on a good day — on a bad day they’re belligerent and volatile. The Manitoba government logo is fine though — a stylized bison. It’s almost as good as Winnipeg’s apt logo — a look into a stylized near-empty Slurpee.

But the flag looks like Ontario’s, and Canada’s old flag with its Union Jack and St. George’s Cross. Some understandably perceive it represents another country (responsible for black pudding and The Benny Hill Show) and Canada’s legacy of swindling, oppressive colonialism.

What could be on the flag of a welcoming, reconciling place?

I did float helpful ideas in my book: a prairie dog, a pickerel, a perogy. Or a pothole. That got no traction.

How about the Golden Boy? The Fat Boy? Maybe a tasty farmer sausage, drawn so it’s not in the form of a turd of course. There should be a perogy, at least in the top right corner. I nominate the happy one from Karen’s Home Cooking on McPhillips Street, wearing a chef’s hat and the always stylish red Ukrainian dance boots.

Seriously, I propose a new flag.

It features a horizontal gold band symbolizing Manitoba’s verdant grain fields. Above that stands a stylized white spruce symbolizing the boreal that has given life to Indigenous peoples, set against a stunning blue background for Manitoba’s abundant waters and clear skies.

And in the top right corner, that perogy with the red boots.

 

gordmackintosh@hotmail.com