Say my name, say my name

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 20/06/2020 (2163 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Manitoba has bewildering place names such as Portage la Prairie’s attractive Koko Platz neighbourhood, named for the developer’s uncle and his farm, or Petersfield’s Pajo Mirija resort, apparently named from letters of family names.

The Devil’s Punch Bowl in Spruce Woods Provincial Park is named for its strangely coloured mix of sand and water — just add rum. Bone Pile Pond at Delta Marsh is named for nearby horse bones. As for Oak Hammock Marsh, nothing like a nap in a swamp.

I heard that Coca Cola Falls on Highway 315 got its name because the water is like the pop. I decided to bottle and sell the nectar — to get rich. The foamy water does indeed look like a Coke float. My wife, Margie, compared the colour and left me to compare taste. The colour is too light, and the taste is a lot like a Diet Coke you let the ice melt in and left outside for a couple of weeks.

There’s Waggle Springs near CFB Shilo. Hairy Lake is named for its hairy bulrushes, Hoop and Holler Bend for long ago parties, and Hollow Water for nearby whirling water — and because Big Eddy was taken.

Pinawa has Yo-Yo Hill and near Gypsumville there’s White Elephant Hill.

East Braintree is a weird name because I can’t find that tree for help. And where’s West Braintree? There’s a Braintree in England and a Braintree in Massachusetts. A fellow from Massachusetts moved west and called his Manitoba home Braintree. Three Braintree’s confused Ottawa postal authorities. They added East. Something tells me, like my map, they were indeed confused.

One of Canada’s oddest place names is Flin Flon, which is based on a far-out book titled The Sunless City. It’s not about Vancouver. Josiah Flintabbatey Flonatin, or Flin Flon, found a city below a lake run by women. You’d know how far-out this is seeing the gender imbalance at a municipal councillors’ convention.

Deer is named for, of course, Mr. Harry Deer. North of Winkler, there’s seductive Dead Horse Creek. At Prawda, find White Elephant Road. Note Manitoba’s white elephant theme.

I sought out long forgotten Moosenose Hill at Oakbank. For help, I explained to a gas jockey’s rude response, “I’d like a photo of your Moosenose.”

Scratching River was rightly changed to Morris, and Gravel Pit to Middlebro.

Officials in the southeast decided to call the area Sunrise Corner. They announced it in Sundown.

Canada’s longest place name, and the world’s seventh longest, is Manitoba’s 31-letter Pekwachnamaykoskwaskwaypinwanik Lake. It’s Cree for where the wild trout are caught by fishing with hooks.

West Hawk Lake is home to Pixieland. Is Red Sucker Lake named for a Tootsie Pop?

Manitoba hosts hapless names such as Stupid, Dumbell, and Bah Lakes. Good luck to real estate agents selling on the Winnipeg River’s Slasher Bay.

Places honour body parts and functions. There’s Elbow, and Knee Lakes. I tubed the peaceful Brokenhead River, surviving rudely awakening rapids. I call it The Brokenhip now.

Two body parts are brilliantly covered by Hartney.

There’s Leak Lake and, southeast of Gladstone, there was, yes, Golden Stream. I’m pleased Manitoba got dibs on Golden Stream because Saskatchewan had to name a place Uren.

West of Lake of the Prairies, Margie and I drove by Dropmore. She took a photo of me at the sign — dropping things.

I then called out, “Hey, take a photo of this!” as I dropped my pants.

“I certainly won’t — I can’t believe it. I’m telling the kids!” she exclaimed.

It was quiet driving for a while. Then she added, “What if you did something good, or died, and that’s the photo they used?”

But my underwear was fairly new, and clean. I did tell her that.

As a child, father-in-law Otto raised piglets. He sold them and hid the francs. Until his mother found his cache. Some say that’s why he left Switzerland. Otto needed a new plan, a new pig supply.

He arrived at Manitoba’s capital. My theory is he heard Win A Pig. Folks like Otto go out of their way for the free pig. But if not for the name Winnipeg, Margie would have a different dad. Wait — she’d be someone else.

Ads and sitcoms ridicule the name Winnipeg. But I like it with its Indigenous origins, and despite the double N, a friend calls it Winnie-peg. Macca says, Winnie-the-Peg, and calls residents, Winnipegians. The name attracts adorable nicknames like Winterpeg and Wienerpeg. It’s the only Winnipeg in the world, although in 2015 NASA named a foot-long spot Winnipeg on Mars.

Officials considered calling the city Garry, Selkirk or Assiniboine.

In 1873. the Speaker of the legislature, Curtis Bird, ruled that a bill to incorporate and call the city Winnipeg was out of order. This angered folks who lured Bird to get attacked by hooded men. Police reported, “He was, indeed, a sorry sight, patches of tar and feather all over him, and the bitterly cold night froze some of the feathers to his cheeks and he had a scarecrow look in every way.”

The legislature condemned the “cowardly and dastardly” act but they missed a chance for restitution by naming this place Birdburg.

Shucks, we could’ve been Birdburgers.

gordmackintosh@hotmail.com