Funny business

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 29/04/2022 (1288 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

For visitors now coming to Manitoba, here’s a handy business guide.

We don’t want folks fooled by restaurant names, like Stella’s. Stella is not there. Stella is a cat.

Luda’s? Luda is not there. Luda is Ukrainian for “people.”

And who runs Original Joe’s? It’s Derek. Joey? It’s Jeff. Pasquale’s? Joe!

We don’t want visitors expecting boeuf bourguignon at Gladstone’s Paris Café. Beef fooyong, ok. Or sitting down for beef wellington at 729 Wellington. Over at 529, ok.

They should know Dr. Saw, Dr. Hook, and Dr. Dent aren’t physicians. Dr. Ring, Dr. Diamond, and Dr. Silver aren’t jewelers.

Pro Body Parts isn’t a gym. Winners isn’t a sports bar. The Funk Factory isn’t an R&B band; it’s Kevin Funk’s welding shop.

Lee Valley is utterly horizontal. Kern Hill too. Roots doesn’t sell geraniums. The Bay doesn’t even carry water.

The Brick doesn’t sell bricks — even Lego. Marks doesn’t stock study aids. Tim Horton’s won’t even sharpen skates.

At least Giant Tiger sells cat food.

Why aren’t the names problematic for Crooked Mountain Cabins, Thompson’s Burntwood Hotel or, at Portage la Prairie, Bill’s Sticky Fingers? Did its name hurt Main Street’s Yuki Sushi?

And why is pizza from Pizza Square round? At Santa Lucia Pizza, couldn’t their chef be Santa Claus? Or their delivery guy?

Margie insists I can’t ask, but how often do caretakers repair the sign at Sherbrook Street’s Dilido Apartments?

Some trademarks clearly inform. At Dugald, vehicles sold at Alot of Cars. Folks understand what’s at The Shoe Company and The Car Store. I figured out how much pizza costs at 99 Cent Pizza.

People’s names determine careers. If your name is Page, what business do you start? Right! – a book shop, like Gimli’s erstwhile Page’s Book Exchange.

Maurice Steele forged M.D. Steele Construction — for steel bridges. For St. John’s Park, the city retained B. Rocke Landscaping – for big rocks. Ontario’s Mike Holmes stars in Holmes on Homes; Manitoba’s own Darren Holmes stars at Onanole’s Holmes Construction. Mark Wood is a Rossburn builder. St. Laurent’s Florian Buors runs Flo’s Septic Service. Ray Pambrun’s solar energy firm is Raysolar. New Bothwell’s Clif Friesen owns Freezen Cooling and Heating.

There’s J&R Hall Transport — for hauls. Stonewall’s Joyce and Fred Brake started Brake Family Auto Service. Mark and Terri Otto: Ashern Otto Shop. The Watsons: Watts-Sun Tanning. In St. Boniface, diners chew at Chiu’s.

Surnames ending with “ins” means hotels, like the Collins’ Pilot Mound lodging, Call-Inn’s Hotel, or Steve Desjardins’ Birtle motel, The Desjard-Inn.

Or businesses adopt names, like Treherne’s Knots Lumber, or Clandeboye’s M.T. Septic. Motto: “Full tanks needs to be M.T.’d.” For bathrooms, Peggers run to WC Potts.

There’s Mr. Electric (he’s exciting!), Mr. Lube (he’s agile), and Mr. Transmission (yikes!).

Mr. Fish does taxidermy. Mr. Mosquito does bugs. Mr. Garbage does junk; I hear his business is picking up.

How many Mrs. firms exist? I googled: Mrs. Mike’s, Miss Browns, MS Society.

Some trademarks rhyme. Americans named 7-Eleven. Alberta cheats with Fas Gas. Ontario fails with Pizza Pizza. Manitoba delivers: on Notre Dame find Pizza Witza.

Catchwords abound. Winnipeg’s Village Garden Centre promises “Dirt cheap.” After a Covid-19 re-opening, Russell’s Hardy Zone garden-centre’s owner posted “I’m so happy I WET MY PLANTS!” Like me, I hope tourists obey the sign on Main Street: “Drop your pants HERE!” – at Best Care Dry Cleaners.

Churchill’s Tundra Inn offers “Warm and friendly staff.” If staff is warm in Churchill, that’s fantastic. Carman’s Breakaway Family Restaurant touts “Good Times…Lotsa Fun!!” As I confessed to Margie, “The beans for breakfast were kinda fun.” Is A&W enticing folks with “Good Food Makes Good Food?” Sodium aluminum phosphate and dimethylpolysiloxane do make good onion rings. Actually, the best. Will visitors keep returning to the Yellow Dog Tavern with that sign, “FREE BEER HERE. (Tomorrow Only)” – like me?

Gladstone Bakery beckons, “Get your buns in here.” Margie also said I can’t ask, so I won’t, but how should folks interpret Dauphin’s Western Bakery’s slogan: “Bun’s almost as nice a Baba’s?”

Trucks from Ronnie’s Jumbo Sunflower Seeds exclaim “The Other BIG CRACK” – showing the Grand Canyon. Visitors might wonder, “Was that a donut chasing a coffee?” It’s the Azevedo family’s Donut Forget Your Coffee truck. They’ll ponder, “Was that a guy on a toilet?” It’s Lynn’s Plumbing and Heating van. Owner Dallas Friesen heard a child exclaim, “It’s the poo-poo van!”

Tourists should also beware; Tobans exaggerate.

Finding businesses on Winnipeg’s Wall Street selling bread, pizza, beer, and kombucha, Tourism Winnipeg posted, “Our Wall Street is better than yours.” Ow, eh, NYC?

How about those apartments on Taylor: Times Square?

Winnipeg hosts Sargent Avenue’s Happy City Restaurant, but Ashern hosts that gas station, The Happy Planet Hub.

At tiny Elgin, Manitoba, a building houses Chef Germain’s Burning Bale restaurant, plus chips and pop. It’s the West Elgin Mall.

Glenora’s little general store is proudly the Glenora Mall. Tagline: “We put the ‘mall’ in ‘small.’”

Oh – about Kevin’s. Kevin is not there. Kevin is a cat. Who’s over at Earls? Earl is not there. There’s Kevin!

PS. Earl is at Sals.

gordmackintosh@hotmail.com