Waterslide Wisconsinbly

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 20/07/2024 (633 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Driving to Wisconsin Dells — The Waterpark Capital of the World — I announced, “I’m going down the new waterslide, America’s tallest!”

Margie replied, “You are not. The fright will cause a heart attack.”

I insisted. “That’s crazy. I’m going!”

Driving past the 14-storey-high tower, I noticed a design flaw: stairs. Margie must wonder why America’s tallest waterslide never got mentioned again.

We have enjoyed the Dells’ splashy waterparks before. Onlookers gasped when the Black Thunder waterslide once spit out Margie holding our sleeping infant daughter. Now there are rules. And the Poseidon’s Rage wave pool once swept me to Sheboygan. I’d carry a map in there.

With over 200 waterslides in 20 waterparks, no wonder visitors might ignore the real water parks: area waterways.

Wisconsin Ducks don’t quack. They’re amphibious, gear-grinding, surplus military vehicles. Riders discover woods and waters with light-hearted drivers.

“If you fall out, I’ll return for you – if I remember,” Naty advised. “Look at all the beauty. And after looking at me, relax!”

On Lake Delton, our guide let a five-year-old drive. He steered adeptly. I whispered to Margie, “He cruises back home.”

Indeed, from my experience driving Interstate 94, anyone now gets a driver’s licence, no questions asked. Our Upper Dells Boat Tour guide, Greg, said the Wisconsin River’s brown water comes from tannic acid. He assured, “You start your day drinking it in coffee, tea – or like our pilot Bob here – in Jack Daniels.”

But Bob landed us safely at Witches Gulch. A boardwalk skirts above swirling waters between steep, fern and moss-covered layered sandstone. A child yelled, “A spider!”

“The witch is out!” I yelled to oncoming youth on cellphones – getting no reaction.

Locals name sandstone features. Greg pointed to twin formations “Cate” and “Duplicate.” At Stand Rock, a trained dog, Bennett, leapt a chasm to this flat-topped sandstone pillar. He jumped so fast I failed to photograph the event, and I’ll get over it in time. Returning, to add a Venice gondola experience, Greg unexpectedly sauntered through the boat belting out O Sole Mio. I got multiple photos of that, and anything else that moved.

The Dells boasts the Ghost Boat and Ghost Outpost, Haunted Mansion and Lost Temple. See Top Secret with its upside-down White House, towering Transformer statues, and a permanent sign, “Today Only! $5.”

Witness the bumptious Museum of Torture Devices (“World’s Most Interesting Museum”); Dells Discount Outlet (“World Famous”) and Fresh Fries (“World’s Freshest Fries”). Goody Goody Gum Drop offers 1,000 types of candy. Behold pecan puddles and lemon creams. Swiss-made fudge perfects chocolate-dipped strawberries. Arriving by mid-morning on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, Carr Valley fresh cheese curds reign.

We’ve stayed at Delton Oaks Resort – now with palms – offering beachfront rooms and an outdoor pool. Meadowbrook Resort maintains cute indoor and outdoor waterparks for small children and me, among cranes, deer, and birdsong. A muskrat darts furtively in the brook. Two real Wisconsin ducks claimed our pool. To avoid us swimming in duck poo – never found in lakes – I kept approaching them. They just paddled the opposite way as Margie giggled. I finally ran, hissed, and clapped – successfully. One returned. Margie simply waved. That worked.

Lineups into Paul Bunyan’s “all you can eat” Cook Shanty lead to log-cabin dining among big saws, black pots, a mounted deer head with antler lights, plus a deer’s butt. Two boys clanged tin plates with knives. Dad insisted, “Stop banging your plates!” They clanged tin cups. Dad demanded, “Stop banging your cups!” They clanged knives with forks. That’s lumberjack life.

For $18.99 each, we received platefuls of yummy breakfast foods.

At riverboat-shaped Mr. Pancake, our server arrived wearing a shirt saying “Mr. Pancake.” I exclaimed, “Hey, you’re not Mr. Pancake!”

She replied, “Thanks for telling me!” We savoured Swedish pancakes and a veggie omelet.

Quality waterfront eateries include Summer House Grill, The Boathouse, and River Walk Pub. Ahh, it’s stuffed mushrooms. The groovy Grateful Shed mimics a food truck festival with vintage VW vans, RVs, and stairs to a suspended Winnipeg-built New Flyer bus for dining. Everyone’s a busser.

The Del-Bar features Frank Lloyd Wright-inspired architecture, superb service and food. At the rustic Ishnala Supper Club, reservations aren’t accepted but waiting is delightful thanks to lakefront wanderings with Wisconsin’s preferred drink: a brandy Old Fashioned – not the bestnamed drink to give Margie celebrating her birthday.

A red-faced chap meandered in saying, “Hope it’s not busy!” He’d just found the last parking spot in the big lot. Folks obviously concoct Old Fashioneds at home too.

As local merch says, “Drink Wisconsinbly.”

And waterslide Wisconsinbly. Plus, cruise, swim, and dine on the waters of the enticing Dells.

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