Fun-filled, far-out Falcon Lake

Hotels might loan bicycles, umbrellas, even fishing gear — but never fish. However, this is mirthful Manitoba and The Hotel at Falcon Lake appoints willing young guests as “fish-sitters.”

The front desk loans fishbowls of betta fish that require daily pinches of flaky food.

I asked staff, “Do fish ever return dead?”

The reply: “One died, but at the front desk. We held a service out front for Bubbles.”

“Bubbles?” I responded. “Each has a name?”

Answer: “Every fish is ‘Bubbles.’”

The revamped hotel also loans dog toys at a “check-in board” where guests write their dog’s name and a fun fact. Rosie “Likes to pull.” Duke “Loves big hugs.”

Behind the front desk, a wall with a veneer of log ends conceals a door so staff can hide from Rosie and Duke, or a guest complaining that the TV remote is too complicated, but I’ll figure it out next visit.

Our room had comfy beds and a gas fireplace. Three attractive hotel eateries serve wide-ranging food and drinks. Our dining bill arrived inside a hollowed-out book titled The Falconer by fantasy novelist Elizabeth May, albeit Falcon Lake — Whiteshell Provincial Park’s most popular spot — is not named for falcons, but for Métis balladeer and fur trader Pierre Falcon.

I nominate Falcon Lake’s Laughing Loon and the adjoining Sandcastle Shop as Manitoba’s most colourful and endearing stores. Discover towering rows of bizarre soap, candles, gags and toys, including popular squishy toys in the form of butter sticks and “slow-rise” cheese triangles. Socks display bacon or steaks, plus Sasquatches riding bicycles or a T. rex. Find a fart-sounding gizmo — the Fart Zook (“Pull back and let ’er rip!”) Or a fly swatter that farts with each swat (“Includes six fart sounds!”).

“Who’d pay for such craziness?” you might ask.

The Sandcastle Shop hosts a contest for the biggest candy purchase. For recognition on the wall — not to mention zits and euphoria — this competition was repeatedly won by a benevolent grandfather. But Candlelighters Child Cancer Support Group won last summer, with a candy stash weighing in at 13,495 grams. I’m up for this.

Find mugs, hats, coasters and shirts celebrating “The Falcon Lake Encounter” of May 20, 1967. That’s when Stefan Michalak famously reported seeing an occupied UFO while he was purportedly prospecting big mining opportunities. If it’s true, I’ll bet aliens arrived to tell Stefan that big mines at Falcon Lake, of all places, is the most hilarious idea in the universe.

We’re keen to try Falcon Beach Ranch’s horse ride to the UFO landing site. But to temper expectations, I told Margie, “The aliens already left. And what’s the chance of now finding, say, a map to Planet Zog, a travel mug or even skid marks?”

Falcon Lake’s Lumber One store stocks, as Margie describes, “This, that and the other” — including numerous birdhouses, endless bear figurines, plus three “Hi-Spy Viewing Machines” starting at $1,999.99. I’ve seen these substantial binocular viewers in national parks, but now Falcon cottagers can keep an eye on the folks coming in from Zog.

Falcon Lake Golf Course is renowned. The windowed clubhouse is lovely. A patio seats guests right at the putting green. Margie stopped me from calling out advice, but I’ll be back.

Falcon’s Nest Café is Falcon’s busy morning eatery. On the patio, join in the joyful sounds and sights of families released from routine. And around the corner, discover Scotty’s Drive-In for potato and honey dill “Mojos” — “A Falcon Lake Tradition.”

Treasure the Falcon Lake Bakery Brewpub. We need these combinations province-wide. On one side, find delicious, fluffy “Falcon’s Famous Cinnabuns.” And past the sign “I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge,” savour the “Pale Alien Encounter.” Reportedly, this brew “… embarks on a cosmic journey where every sip is out-of-this world.”

Coneheads can chill out at five adjacent Park Road ice cream vendors. This must be Manitoba’s Cone Capital. While the Shell station sells Chapman’s packaged delights, Scotty’s creates cookie sandwiches with your choice of ice cream. With 19 flavours, a Nest sign announces “Diet starts tomorrow. Today we Scoop.” The Bakery Brew Pub offers flavours such as Royal Canadian Mint and Unicorn Dreams. Falcon Lake Meat & Grocery lists 29 soft ice cream flavours. A sign shows Ernie and Bert saying “Say, Ernie, would you like some ice cream?” Answer: “Sherbert.”

The Beach House offers more ice cream, but its real claim to fame? It’s the first beach kiosk in a Canadian provincial park that serves alcohol. As folks thaw, simmer and swim at Falcon’s sprawling strand, they can relax under tiki umbrellas with a cold one. Ah, liberty!

Falcon Lake Sports Area hosts mini-golf, horse shoes, bocce ball, tennis and, now, the pickleball craze. Join picklers who gush about dead balls, dills and dinks. But sunflower seeds are not allowed. OK, so we have some liberty.

Book a Tuesday evening pontoon boat cruise with The Hotel at Falcon Lake, or rent watercraft from Falcon Lake Marina or Faloma Beach Marina. Go fishing. Marvel at the wall-to-wall boathouses in a south shore bay — it’s a shore thing here.

Further along the south shore, enjoy Owl Wing Coffee House refreshments or stay at the fabulous Falcon Trails Resort. Hike or bike the wild granite slopes of the newly opened east side 16-kilometre backcountry trail that completes a loop around Falcon Lake thanks to heroic volunteers. Or trek the nearby, imaginatively named “Top of the World” trail.

Let Falcon Lake enhance your summer — whether you’re visiting from Earth or Zog.

Oh, and back home, I told Margie, “That fly swatter sure was a hit during lunch, eh? And the Fart Zook sounds like a duck’s quack, too!”

gordmackintosh9@gmail.com