Lake city extraordinaire

Although it’s the nearest eastward city, Kenora is so not Winnipeg.

Driving into its lake-embraced, pine-embellished hilly terrain, Margie and I saw three fawns, a fox and a bashful bear near the west side’s odd glacial “rock holes.” Plus, we encountered a 12-metre tall, green-striped muskie named Husky.

And one giant yellow spider. The eight-legged beastie is made from a Volkswagen Beetle, and grasps a wrench and a hammer while wearing a top hat made from an oil barrel. It’s nameless. How about, um, Bugsy?

The tourist information centre boasts North America’s biggest collection of — yes, you guessed it — outboard motors. Staff admitted, “Well, it used to be the biggest. It might still be the biggest not privately held.”

But it’s certainly the biggest in Kenora.

I asked, “Got any secret tips?”

Staff answered enthusiastically, “You can ride in a float plane from downtown!”

We looked into this cool idea, but a 20-minute flight cost $380. For some reason, we instead boarded the M.S. Kenora to cruise Lake of the Woods — which locals abbreviate as “LOTW.”

I said to the sailor in the ship’s bridge, “You the Skipper? Or Gilligan?”

He answered assuredly: “The Skipper!”

I said, “We’re in good hands!”

We grabbed seats on top, up front. Oblivious to the red sign that advised, “Warning: horn is very loud,” a sudden blast almost jolted me out of my skin. That called for a Long Island iced tea. I then felt an urge to wave at oncoming boaters. The The response was overwhelming, especially from vessels ferrying happy youth from Camp Stevens.

The area is immensely picturesque. We saw luxurious summer homes, many on islands. And no matter how grandiose they are, the locals call them “camps.”

As we were disembarking, the Skipper called to me, “Can you stay behind?”

I figured, “Aha! They want me as the ship’s official waver!”

Turns out, the Skipper was Murray Affleck, who I knew years ago. Anyway, I’ve put myself out there now.

We wanted to discover Canada’s own Coney Island Beach. Although it lacks the New York namesake’s expansiveness and amusement park, it’s enticingly accessible via a $10-per-person pontoon boat ride from Bernier Drive docks. And again, I could wave!

But despite making phone calls and spending a half hour waiting in the sun, we discovered there was a bewildering shuttle schedule — in part because we hadn’t arranged our transportation ahead. Like another Winnipeg couple, we abandoned our quest. But no worries, because Kenora is a beach city.

Aside from Scotty’s Island via private boat, there’s Keewatin Beach and Garrow Park Beach. Anicinabe Park hosts one of Canada’s longest beach docks. And, behind the DQ, Norman Park offers a Hoopla Island floating water park and a spray pad with a capricious tipping bucket.

For goodies, Keewatin Place Grocery Store saves relying on Thunder Bay for doughy pink-frosted Persians. Sweet Lake of the Woods is my go-to sweet spot. Crumble Scoreos into ice cream or nibble on Coney Island Mix — but maybe at Norman Park. Sküp offers a “Muskie” — a slushy with ice cream and toppings unless, as we found, they have closed early. But hey, it’s a beach city.

In addition to recently opened shops downtown, while the former Kenricia Hotel awaits its rebirth, the main floor hides The Hungry Pug Cafe. This busy gem offers inventive eggs Benny, plus Margie’s fried cinnamon bun.

Beyond two esteemed Greek restaurants, eateries display names like Yummy Yummy, Ho Ho, HoJoe.

Ye Olde Chip Truck offers wonderful “world famous” fries. Lake of the Woods Brewing receives kudos for, not only beer, but pizza and other bites. There, you can savour condiments like the “guk,” a house-made dipping sauce.

For satisfying lakeside dinners, try The Boathouse or the adjoining outdoor Launchpad. I appropriately wore my red plaid flannel shirt, also known as the “Kenora dinner jacket.” Surprisingly, I alone donned this attire. Folks stared. I don’t think they wear them in scorching heat.

Kenora reputedly hosts the only Safeway in North America that’s accessible by boat. Last June, our cashier whispered, “We’re into six weeks of crazy. Summer is bananas.” Bananas aside, their steaks rule, especially with Kenora’s Kenwood Steakhouse Steak Spice.

At Wednesday’s popular Matiowski Farmers Market, a family with two little boys selling vegetables also displayed rocks of varying sizes and shapes. A sign said, “Calvin’s Treasure Stones — fifty cents each.” Eventually finding Margie among the many vendors, she asked resignedly, “Gord, what are you doing with that rock?”

Known as “the big round building,” Kenora’s Clarion Lakeside Inn features great views, although nightly lakeside room rates approach $400. For some reason, we opted for two distinctive havens.

Wild Woods Hideaway offers woodland tiny cabins, log cabins and prospector tents, plus kayaks, stand-up paddleboards and canoes. I figured that glamping in a tiny cabin would convince Margie to reconsider her desire to live in one, but she exclaimed, “I love it! Just needs a wood stove, a bathroom, kitchen.”

Watching deer along Mink Bay while the sun set before us, I slapped so many skeeters that it’s all clear now for subsequent guests. Note: our outhouse door had an outside hook lock. I hooked it, for fun. But, surprisingly, someone inside can still push open the door as I found out when Margie was in there.

Near the Log Cabin Tavern, a.k.a. “The Log,” Edgewater Beach Camp hospitably offers nine charmingly upgraded cabins. Bordering Rabbit Lake, we spied on a mink, muskrat, geese and five turtles huddling on a small rock. Note: our modern outhouse was impossible to rock, let alone tumble — for fun, as I found when Margie was in there.

And while Rabbit Lake is so named because it’s shaped like a sitting rabbit, I told Margie, “I must tell the tourist information staff that the nearby, so-called ‘Round Lake’ is not round. It’s flat.”

gordmackintosh9@gmail.com