What war’s good for

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This article was published 14/08/2016 (3689 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Movies

BIG RELEASES FRIDAY: War Dogs, Kubo and the Two Strings

BIG PICTURE: War Dogs is based on an unlikely true story… like Moneyball, The Wolf of Wall Street and The Big Short. This time, the subject is arms dealers and military contractors. Ah, sex, money and violence — the three staples of America. How did two 20-something young men (played by Jonah Hill and Miles Teller) land a US$300-million Pentagon contract, become successful gunrunners and live to talk about it? From living the clichéd “high life” (sports cars and scantily clad women) to war-zone antics in places such as Iraq and Afghanistan, this dramedy shows what war is good for (at least for a select few): making money. Meanwhile, Kubo and the Two Strings is a fantastical animated adventure. When the humble, kind Kobo accidentally summons a mythical spirit, he is thrust into a quest to find out the secret of his father — a great samurai warrior — and save his family in the process. He is aided by a magical instrument, a talking beetle named Beetle (Matthew McConaughey) and a talking monkey (Charlize Theron) as he battles monsters, moon kings and evil witches. McConaughey’s Beetle delivers dazed and confused lines such as, “I don’t even think I can blink. Do I have eyelids?” All right, all right, all right.

FORECAST: Hill as a larger-than-life arms dealer or McConaughey as larger-than-life insect? I’ll take one serving of beetle juice. I also see three roles in McConaughey’s near future: a live-action Fraggle, an adult version of Shaggy from Scooby Doo (tentative title: Shaggy and Scooby: PIs) and both Cheech and Chong (via the magic of CGI).

HONOURABLE MENTION: Ben-Hur. Should anyone in their right mind be remaking a classic? Didn’t they get it right the first time? Charlton Heston’s Ben-Hur won Best Picture in 1959. Jack Huston inhabits the iconic role this time, while Morgan Freeman is the only A-lister on the bill. But the movie proves there’s nothing quite like a chariot race to settle a feud. If only modern humans settled their differences that way. I’d pay good money to see Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton dual on horseback. It would sure beat watching Wolf Blitzer fill in awkward silences with gibberish during marathon election-night coverage.

TV

BIG EVENTS: Fear the Walking Dead (Aug. 21, AMC, 8 p.m.), Olympic Games closing ceremony (Aug. 21, NBC/CBC, 6 p.m.)

BIG PICTURE: The second half of Fear the Walking Dead’s second season returns with survivors scattered across Mexico playing whack-a-mole with zombies. I think the best way to prepare for a real zombie apocalypse is to develop a Pokemon Go Away From Zombie app. Cutting-edge technology could make Pokemon avoid the undead at all cost, therefore accidentally leading humans to safety. (Sure, our best and brightest may not survive, but the race will continue, and I call that a win). Meanwhile, the Olympic closing ceremony means you can go back to not caring about sports such as gymnastics, swimming and water polo again. On a side note, I predict all those marathon swimmers who drank the polluted waters of Rio de Janeiro could make Fear the Walking Dead look like a documentary when the toxins kick in. (Time to revisit your zombie survival strategy. No more crossing a body of water because all the zombies will be expert swimmers). If my zombie-plague prediction is off, the Games will return in Tokyo in 2020.

FORECAST: You’ll make your farewells. Either say goodbye to humanity on Fear the Walking Dead or say goodbye to Rio.

HONOURABLE MENTION: Fearless (Netflix, Friday, 2:01 a.m.). Speaking of Brazil, meet Brazilian cowboys (gauchos), currently the best bull riders in the world. (Shh. Don’t tell Texas.) Apparently, riding a giant, enraged beast determined to knock you off and crush you is “the dream of every cowboy and an honour” in Brazil. A strange dream in a country full of beautiful beaches, skimpy bathing suits and caipirinhas (but to each their own, I guess). This six-part documentary followed Brazilian riders as they head to the Las Vegas bull riding championships.

Music

BIG RELEASES FRIDAY: Crystal Castles — Amnesty (I), Kiefer Sutherland — Down in a Hole

BIG PICTURE: Toronto’s Crystal Castles returns with their first album without singer Alice Glass, who practically left the band via catapult. Co-founder Ethan Kath anchors the songwriting with new singer Edith Frances. With experimental electronic numbers such as Char and Concrete, don’t play this one when tucking the kids in at bedtime. Meanwhile, I presume Kiefer dedicated this folky rock album to the place he ends every weekend bender: a ditch or Dumpster. Songs such as Not Enough Whiskey read like the hard-partying actor’s dream journal. The title track offers insights such as, “Down in a hole at the bottom of a bottle, took a wrong turn with my foot on the throttle.” Kiefer follows in the footsteps of other bored actors, from Johnny Depp to Kevin Costner, in launching a tenuous music career.

FORECAST: 24: Legacy debuts this fall without Jack Bauer, so I guess Kiefer needed something to do with his time. Who knows? Maybe he’ll be next in line to sing for Crystal Castles? (Am I only one who wishes McConaughey had a band, too? I predict he’ll invent his own genre — reggae-polka — and play his conga drum straight to Grammy glory.)

HONOURABLE MENTION: Dolly Parton (Pure & Simple). The country legend lives up to the album’s title, saddling into the studio to deliver stripped-down, melodic, authentic country.

Twitter: @chrislackner79