According to science, I’m not out of my mind

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 16/09/2017 (3234 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

If you have ever seen me standing alone in the cookie aisle at our neighbourhood grocery store, then you know my deep, dark secret.

The truth is, I talk to myself. Out loud. In public. Seriously, I do this all the time. As far as I can tell, I do it everywhere — at home, the office, on the street and definitely when I’m shopping for nutritional food items, such as cookies and chocolate ice cream.

As I stand in the supermarket, trying to decide which cookies need to come home with me, chattering away like a kindergarten kid on a sugar high, I suspect I sound a lot like Gollum from the Lord of the Rings movies: “Ooh, chocolate chips is excellent cookies, my precious! We needs them in our tummy, doesn’t we?”

My wife thinks this personal quirk makes it appear as if I’m auditioning for the role of Angry Street Person in a Steven Spielberg film. I know what she means because several years ago, during a visit to Montreal for the National Newspaper Awards, my wife and one of our senior editors felt compelled to visit every (bad word) shoe store in the city, while I stood on the sidewalk outside being shrieked at by a street person in a tin-foil hat.

What I recall most is that the angry Montrealer shrieked at everyone in French, but the second he laid eyes on me he instantly switched to English. “And (bleep) you too, sir!” is what he chirped as I stood outside the doors of an upscale women’s shoe emporium.

As far as I know, I don’t use profanity when I’m talking to myself. Mostly, it’s inane chatter revolving around my dogs or my kids or what I want to have for breakfast.

When I was younger, I was able to keep most of my thoughts locked safely inside my head, but that’s changed in recent years. I am not sure why I’ve started narrating my life out loud. It’s almost as if I have way too much to say and not nearly enough people to say it to, if that makes any sense.

The great news is that, based on recent scientific research, I am not a raving lunatic, although if Spielberg comes calling, I’m pretty sure I can do a reasonable impersonation of one.

According to an article I have just read in the New York Times (slogan: “When we talk to ourselves, we listen very closely.”) talking to yourself out loud in the third person can not only reduce your anxiety level while performing a task, but your peers will rate your performance better.

The Times cited research showing basketball players passed the ball faster and more accurately if they motivated themselves via the technique of instructional self-talk, which is when you talk yourself through a task.

“So if you’re frazzled and need a motivational pep talk, you might consider giving it in the second or third person, which can help you look at the situation from a logical, objective perspective rather than an emotional, biased one,” the Times article states.

For those of you who are not professional newspaper columnists and do not recall Grade 3 English, talking in the third person means saying “he,” “she” or your name instead of “I.”

That all sounds a little formal to me. When I am pondering a major cookie purchase at Safeway, I do not say to myself, “Doug really needs double-stuffed Oreos!” No, I just mutter something like, “Cookies! Cookies! I LOVE COOKIES!!!” That is when the other shoppers in the aisle begin perspiring heavily and slowly backing away from me as if I were a naked man wielding a machete, if you can imagine.

Anyway, the Times also cited a recent study in which scientists asked subjects to search for a picture of a specific item, such as a banana, among 20 pictures of random items. The subjects were asked to say the name of the object — “banana, banana, banana” — out loud while searching for it.

The scientists discovered that when subjects said the word “banana” before searching for a picture of one, they found the picture faster and more accurately. “Saying the word out loud, the study found, made the subjects more aware of its physical traits, which then made the banana stand out among other objects,” the Times reported.

So the upbeat point I am making is that, according to the latest research, I am not out of my mind. To recap, here are some of the main scientific benefits of letting everything inside your head escape via your lips:

• If your job involves passing a basketball, you’re in luck;

• If you are in a store and repeatedly say the word “banana” — PRESTO! — before you know it, you will be in the fresh produce aisle;

• Even if you have the personality of a salt-water crocodile, you will always have someone to chat with at a party.

I’m sure there are a lot of other benefits, too, but right now, “Doug can’t think of any, can he?” So why don’t you leave me alone and go talk among yourselves, because I’m expecting a call from Spielberg any minute.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca