Nuggets of ‘wisdom’ fail to impress this scribe

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 25/10/2017 (3191 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

There is a lot of important stuff we can learn from legendary genius Albert Einstein, despite the fact he is currently dead.

But we probably shouldn’t look to the man who reshaped humanity’s view of the universe for any special insights into the fine art of tipping.

I say this because a pair of handwritten notes the man whose name has become synonymous with genius gave to a Japanese courier in lieu of a cash tip 95 years ago went on the auction block Tuesday.

According to a host of news reports, Einstein — who you will know from such hits as “the theory of relativity” and “E=mc squared” — was on a lecture tour of Japan in 1922, just as his fame began to skyrocket.

What happened was a Japanese courier arrived at the Imperial Hotel in Japan to deliver Einstein a message, but the courier either refused to accept a tip, in line with local practice, or Einstein just didn’t happen to have any small change on hand.

Not wanting the courier to walk away empty-handed, the theoretical physicist gave the man two handwritten notes spelling out his thoughts on the secret to happiness, and reportedly told him: “Maybe if you’re lucky, those notes will become much more valuable than just a regular tip.”

While we are morally opposed to making sweeping generalizations, we suspect this story will divide readers along gender lines as follows:

Typical female reaction — “Awww, what a sweet thing for Einstein to do.”

Typical male reaction — “Seriously, Einstein, you couldn’t cough up a couple of bucks?”

At risk of offending legions of smart people, this story reminds guys of my particular gender of a scene in our favourite film, Caddyshack, wherein groundskeeper Carl Spackler, played by Bill Murray, recounts getting stiffed for a tip after caddying for the long-hitting Dalai Lama in Tibet.

As Spackler recalls: “And I say, ‘Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.’ And he says, ‘Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.’ So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.”

As we have said, instead of cash or the gift of total consciousness, the Nobel Prize winner gave the courier two notes, written in German on hotel stationery, containing his tips on how to have a happy life.

The first note said, and we quote: “A quiet and modest life brings more joy than a pursuit of success bound with constant unrest.”

Really, Einstein? That’s your first tip for happiness? The man who opened up the universe to those of us with much smaller brains is advising other people NOT to shoot for the stars?

We can imagine a fiery football coach, inspired by Einstein’s words, delivering the following deeply emotional halftime locker-room speech: “OK, guys, we’re down 30 points, so let’s get out there and do our best… unless we get really tired, in which case maybe we can go home and watch Cupcake Wars on the Cooking Channel.”

Which brings us to the second tip on happiness, wherein Einstein wrote: “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”

OK, Einstein, at least that one, which basically means you can overcome any obstacle through sheer determination, offers a bit more encouragement to get out there and do your best.

But we know what most of you are thinking. You are thinking: “Gee, Doug, we didn’t know Einstein said that.”

Well, guess what?

Einstein didn’t say that. Seriously, what he wrote in his note to the Japanese courier was an exceedingly old English proverb that dates back hundreds of years before Einstein was even an atomic particle in his mother’s eye.

Again, really, Einstein? You couldn’t even take a minute to write down one of the dozens and dozens of famous (bad word) quotes that you actually said? I mean, who wouldn’t want to get a handwritten note wherein Einstein repeats his famous explanation for relativity, which states: “When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute — and it’s longer than any hour. That’s relativity.”

Or his thoughts on imagination: “Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.”

Or even our favourite Einstein quote of all time, which we have seen on several cheesy posters, in which the genius complains: “I didn’t say half the stuff that people said I did.”

Truthfully, we are pretty sure Einstein never said that last thing, either. But that’s not the point. The point is — and please do not send us angry notes on your “I (heart) physics” stationery — Einstein may have been a genius, but he was also a lousy tipper.

Still, who are we to argue with a man who possessed the most powerful brain that has ever graced the planet? Based on Einstein’s example, we have decided to stop leaving cash tips for good service. Instead, we are going to bring along a notepad and pen, and just scribble out some random thoughts to fork over after we finish stuffing our face at a restaurant or getting our dogs’ nails trimmed at the canine salon.

And based on Einstein’s example, we don’t even have to make up our own quotes. Here are a few deeply inspiring, non-original quotations I plan to hand over instead of cash the next time I eat out:

From Yoda — “Do, or do not. There is no ‘try.’”

From Groucho Marx — “I’ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn’t it.”

From George W. Bush — “They misunderestimated me.”

From Donald Trump — “The beauty of me is that I’m very rich.”

On the surface, this may seem like a stupid idea. But allow us to point out that, according to news stories we have just seen online, the notes Einstein gave to that courier way back in 1922 were sold at auction on Tuesday to an anonymous European buyer for a cool US$1.56 million.

We realize it’s all relative, but that sounds a lot better than total consciousness.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca