Taking a stand against beauty pageants, sort of

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 21/07/2018 (2926 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

I hate to complain, but I have been experiencing an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that pizza and cheeseburgers cannot fill.

As a crusading newspaper columnist with naturally curly hair, I suspect the only way to get rid of that empty feeling is by taking a courageous journalistic stand on one of the burning issues of the day.

Which is why today, with no concern for personal safety, I am bravely going to draw a line in the sand and take a stand against… (pause for dramatic effect)… beauty pageants.

For starters, I think we need to talk about the Miss America Pageant, which was launched back in 1921 before I was born, so you can’t blame me for this one.

As a gangly kid back in the day, I never actually watched the Miss America Pageant on the grounds that it did not involve hyper-aggressive guys the size of semi-trailers kicking an inflated ball around a muddy field and, from time to time, ripping each other’s heads off and throwing them into the stands.

What made Miss America different from Day 1 was the fact it featured a swimsuit competition, wherein competitors would, at first, strut around in modest one-piece bathing suits which, in later years, transformed into skimpy bikinis.

For those of you who pay attention to such things, however, in June, pageant organizers made a major decision — they are scrapping the infamous swimsuit competition in an effort to refocus the pageant’s overall message.

No one is sure what this 97-year-old pageant’s overall message actually is, but it definitely no longer involves swimsuits.

Instead of marching around in bikinis, competitors in this September’s Miss America Pageant will take part in a “live interactive session with the judges” that will “highlight her achievements and goals in life.”

What this means is that for almost 100 years, a large section of the population did not watch this pageant because they did not like the fact it involved contestants in swimsuits.

Today, what it means is a large section of the population will no longer watch the pageant because they do not like the fact that it does NOT involve contestants in swimsuits.

Whether or not it involves people parading about in bathing costumes, I am taking a stand against this event on the grounds that it does not involve the kind of high-quality entertainment you find in professional sports, such as grown men hitting each other with sticks or rolling around a field in mock agony in an effort to get a referee to call a foul against an opponent who made a frowny face at them.

The other major issue I have against pageants is the rampant cheating, a scandalous situation wherein contestants are pumping themselves up with botox to ensure they have pouty lips and perfectly placed humps.

For those of you who have been in a coma for the past few months, I am referring here to Saudi Arabia’s annual camel beauty contest, held as part of the King Abdulaziz Camel Festival in Rumah.

This year — and you may wish to sit down before reading this shocking revelation — the judges were poised to hand out millions of dollars in cash prizes to the breeders of the most toothsome beast, but 12 contestants were disqualified because the owners injected their lips with Botox.

The point I am trying to make here is — and allow me to stress its importance by activating the caps lock feature on my keyboard — THEY HAVE A (BAD WORD) CAMEL BEAUTY PAGEANT AND HAND OUT MILLIONS IN (BAD WORD) PRIZE MONEY AND SOME CONTESTANTS TRIED TO CHEAT!

The camel festival’s website has an entire section devoted to explaining the standards of camel beauty, in case fans are not sure what subtle features to look for.

“What distinguishes a beautiful camel is not just its height, shape and the placement of its hump,” advises the National, a newspaper based in Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates. “A full, droopy lip and large features are essential to achieving camel celebrity-status in the multimillion-dollar industry of camel pageantry.”

Here’s what Ali al Mazrouei, the son of a top Emirati breeder, told the National: “They use Botox for the lips, the nose, the upper lips, the lower lips and even the jaw. It makes the head more inflated so when the camel comes it’s like, ‘Oh look at how big that head is. It has big lips, a big nose.’ “

Anyways, the point is a veterinarian was caught performing cosmetic surgery on some of the camel beauty contestants and it turns out cheaters are also fond of pulling on their camel’s lips to make them appear longer, and apparently more attractive, to other camels.

In some ways, it seems this scandal-plagued festival is startlingly similar to the Miss America Pageant, although I doubt the Miss America contestants are prone to biting the judges or giving them a quick kick in medically sensitive areas.

On the upside, from what I have read, roughly 30,000 camels take part in the Saudi festival and not a single one is expected to wear a bathing suit, so I guess we are making some form of progress.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca