Time to shake uploveless marriage

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This article was published 11/08/2019 (2570 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’ve been married for 17 years to a man I started dating right out of high school. We have children together and we’re both busy with the kids. After all this time, I feel like I’m the only one making an effort in our marriage.

He just doesn’t seem to care about what goes on with me. He hardly ever asks me how my day went, and I’m the only one who initiates hugging and kissing. He sometimes will try things in bed, but that’s about it for the romance department.

I feel very much alone and I’ve been trying for so long. He knows how I feel, but he’s the type of guy who thinks he never does anything wrong. He never apologizes for anything. He has said in the past that he’ll try harder. But, sadly, this doesn’t happen.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to break up my family, but I want to feel loved and wanted. My children appreciate me and I love them dearly. I just wish their dad would realize he’s lucky to have me.

— Wanting to be Loved, Winnipeg

Dear Wanting to be Loved: You obviously don’t want to leave this guy, but he has become a non-participant in the marriage. Since you met and married after high school, you two must be still be in your 30s. That’s too young to be living this way. But demanding his attention and asking him for affection just doesn’t work.

Do you know this saying? “Stop doing more of what doesn’t work.” Well, this situation isn’t working, and it’s time to stop trying and think instead. Why is he turned off?

It could also be that your husband has another woman and that’s why he’s so distant. If you suspect this, you have a choice: you can ask him outright (he might admit it) or you can do what’s necessary to find out if he’s cheating.

Some people have just announced they were going to marriage counselling alone if their partner didn’t want to go. That’s a shake-up, and can sometimes get both people going — or not. Sometimes, a partner will just say, “No point in going. The truth is I just want out and have wanted out for a long time.”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is as embarrassing as it gets. I do the laundry in our house and my live-in boyfriend’s filthy clothes are atrocious. It looks like he either doesn’t spend enough time cleaning himself in the bathroom or has a digestive issue he’s hiding.

I half-understand the strong body odour on his shirts because he works labour jobs and it’s hot. But he’s so lazy, he picks the same stinking shirt off the floor rather than getting a clean one from the drawer — and wears it all week. I’m so thoroughly grossed out I don’t want to sleep with him anymore. What’s the right move here?

— Totally Disgusted, West Kildonan

Dear Disgusted: No woman wants to make love with a dirty partner who smells disgusting. Plus, he’s handing you his dirty laundry, like you’re his long-suffering mother — and you’ve been doing it. Why?

Surprise. Your name isn’t “mom,” and he’s not eight years old. Buy a big new laundry hamper with a lid, ASAP, and tell him you won’t do his laundry anymore. He’ll ask why, and you tell him the smell is making you sick.

Then let him know he needs to take better care of cleaning himself in the bathroom and have showers at least twice daily with a soap lather everywhere. Once he starts doing his own laundry, he will see and smell what you do. Then he may clean up his personal-hygiene issues in the bathroom and start using strong deodorant — or he won’t bother. If he won’t bother, dumping him is the logical option.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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