Be truthful, but be there for best pal

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This article was published 12/08/2019 (2566 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My best friend is going to marry a complete moron. She’s a total airhead and there’s nothing interesting about her. She’s super attractive — like model-level — and she’s captivated my best buddy for over a year now.

Neither have great jobs, but he works a lot of hours and brings home good money, which she’s quite comfortable spending. He tells me it’s OK because he wants her to look and feel her best. He said it again last night after she’d been out on a big spending spree, and I could tell it’s wearing on him. He’s drinking too much now, too, and thinks I don’t notice he’s stressed.

They are getting married soon and I’m worried he’s going to be miserable, divorced and in debt in about five years. Am I out of place in telling him? I’m supposed to be the best man and I don’t want to stand at the altar with him and her.

— To Speak or Not To Speak?, Winnipeg

Dear Speak: Your should say your piece about his bride-to-be as convincingly as you possibly can — even the part about his becoming miserable, divorced and in debt (and possibly alcoholic), and he may tell you he’ll get a new best man. Fine, you did what you could to save him. But if he still wants you as his best man, and you’re still the closest of friends, you should stand up with him — and be fully prepared to pick up the pieces in a few years. That’s what true friends do. He’s going to need you worse than ever when she finds herself a wealthier man with a wallet full of credit cards. And she probably will.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My dad has a new wife and a young kid, and neither of the adults are around much. He remarried when I turned 19, and now they have this young boy who I’m watching, and I see he’s being largely raised by a nanny.

Dad and his wife work a lot, but now that I’m an adult, I’ve realized that adults do, in fact, have power over their own lives. This is contrary to what my dad told me, by way of explaining why he was never around when I was growing up. My mom worked, and I had lots of babysitters, some of them good and a few of them nasty.

Dad always says he had no control, but he could have found another job. He had the education to do that. I resent the hell out of him for it. Now I’m watching it happen to this kid, and it’s heartbreaking. I don’t get how neither him nor his wife seem willing to make any changes. What should I do?

— Worried About The Boy, Winnipeg

Dear Worried: Since your dad and whatever woman he pairs with seem to be too uninterested, or just too selfish, to deliver loving and interested parenting, I have an idea:

Could you step up as the grown-up, and enter this family equation as a kind of Super Big-Bro male figure? Offer to spend time with the little guy at least twice weekly. You must do it regularly on certain days, so he isn’t looking out the window for you all the time. You can give this boy the love and attention and teaching he needs. Could you also take him to arts and sporting events, visits to places and events around the city, or drives to the country to see what’s going on in the world?

You can do it! My father didn’t have a close relationship with his father, but he pulled the father role out of his hat, and was a really good and involved dad to us, his four kids. Can you pull it out of your hat and figure out how to do it?

When you one day have babies of your own, you start with this boy in the oldest kid role in your new little family, and don’t push him aside. That means picking a very special woman who jumps in on the project with you before you are married, and continues afterwards. You’ll need to be sure she isn’t faking interest at first to impress you — and then demands you pull back to only spend significant time with the kids you have together.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m an older guy whose hair is salt-and-pepper, and while lots of women tell me how much they love it, I missed my jet black hair. So I dyed it recently and was met with lots of disparaging remarks. I guess it was pretty obvious I’d dyed it myself.

I know there are lots of guys who pull off the salt-and-pepper, but I want my black hair back.

I’m in my 40s and it’s too soon to go grey. I’m from an Italian background with dark wavy hair.

— Missing My Black Hair, River Heights

Dear Missing: You’re not too old to have black hair, but you made the mistake most men make — dyeing their own hair privately.

You need a hairstylist who knows how to do great colouring.

Men who buy black dye with some hot-looking black-haired dude on the packaging often end up looking like they stuck their head in a pot of black ink.

Black colouring is tricky, but it can be done well. You’ll need a great hair colourist. If you don’t want a whole bunch of guys watching you, go to a unisex shop for both men and women.

The trick in colouring is often a blend of slightly different colours like black and dark chocolate brown, and it looks much better than flat old black every time. There’s still no grey, but not that ink-pot look. Good luck!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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