Get to the bottom of baffling, risqué mystery mail

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 18/06/2021 (1881 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just received what I thought was a lovely little gift in the mail. There was an unsigned romantic card and a sexy red lingerie set, and no return address.

I was on top of the world! My husband had finally listened to my feelings of loneliness and being taken for granted by him! This is a second marriage, and we have no children at home. We both work and he is a total golf nut, so I’ve hardly seen him lately.

We have the whole house to ourselves now. So I ordered a romantic dinner I know he likes, cut flowers for the house, had a beauty bath and did my nails. I greeted him at the door, wearing the lingerie and holding two glasses of his favourite wine.

He was in shock and said, “Oh boy, I’m in trouble, what occasion did I forget?” I replied, “You’re too funny. I absolutely love your gift.” He had no idea what I was talking about.

I went back to the wrapping, to double-check the name on the package, but it was addressed to me.

My husband doesn’t think I have another lover, but what he does think is I sent this gift to myself to shame him, because he hasn’t been very loving and sexy lately. I did not!

Now, I’m insulted and he’s upset. Why would someone send such an intimate gift as this? What to do now?

— Both of us Upset, Fort Garry

Dear Upset: Who might want to mess up your happy marriage? It could be a man who’s jealous of your husband. Does your husband crow about what a great new wife he has?

This prank has a slightly nasty tone, so it may also have come from a man you jilted — your ex-husband or a man you dated and dumped for this husband. Could there be a Mr. X, someone who has the hots for you and thought it’d be a good laugh to play this prank?

Try this mind exercise: Lie down and let your ideas flow freely. See what comes up from your subconscious. Instead of fishing for one possibility, let your mind wander freely over your friends, your husband’s friends, old lovers (yours and his), and pranking-type buddies. No luck? Later that night, it may still come to you in a dream.

There’s a distinct possibility of the golf guys pulling a prank, since they see him the most. Have you heard of previous tricks played amongst his sports buddies?

There’s an answer to this, and you can get to it. Give your husband permission to talk about this prank to his sports buddies and tell him to watch their facial reactions closely.

Both you and your husband were pranked, so be twin sleuths. Figure out the guilty party, wait a while and get him or her back, if you want to!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Hot days are finally here and I worry about my naturally blond wife who suntans (more like burns) at the start of the year “to get a good tan started.”

She thinks it’s harmless, but it looks painful when she burns. Sometimes she peels in sheets of skin. Worst of all, she’s signing herself up for skin cancer, based on everything I’ve read.

I tried talking to her and she said it’s just a myth! I want her to be around for a long time, not just for me, but for the kids. How can I get through to her?

— Don’t Want Her to Die, Headingley

Dear Don’t Want Her to Die: Preaching isn’t helping, so how about working around it? Tanning towelettes and wipes do a quick tan job. She can put on her tan before going out, so foot the bill for this. Give her a supply of a couple of different brands so she can find one she likes. Read up on the consumer reports, too. Anything that turns orange will turn her right off.

The bottom line: Part-time fake-tanning is better than burning and roasting her skin in the sun for five months a year, although too much fake tanning chemical isn’t good either.

Hot tip: Make sure she knows how much you love her natural skin tone so she feels good without using anything.

Dear Readers: With bars closed, a lot more over-drinking is happening in the home. Al-Anon staff reached out to me in response to a recent letter about Al-Anon and Alateen meetings (groups for people who are concerned about someone’s drinking) during the pandemic.

Meetings are now virtual due to COVID restrictions. The problem? Times for these meetings can often change, so people should know they can check ahead of time. Staff at the Winnipeg Al-Anon/Alateen Central Services office are available Tuesday to Friday every week; if people call when no one is in, they can leave a call-back number. Staff will call back with updates; if they leave a message, they won’t identify themselves as Al-Anon to protect their anonymity in the home. Al-Anon/Alateen Central Services can be reached at 204-943-6051 or 204-942-4077.

Please send questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography