Actions, not words, can help you win back wife

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 30/06/2023 (1143 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I found a ripped-up note on fancy pink paper when I was doing the laundry recently. On a hunch, I matched up the little pieces. As I suspected, it was a note to my wife. We are a lesbian couple, who used to be deeply in love. The words were from an ex-girlfriend who obviously wants to win her back. My partner and I haven’t been getting along well since the middle of COVID. I was rundown and grew cold and distant due to my “all-important medical job,” as she puts it.

Then just recently, my wife seemed happy again, and was even singing under her breath! When I came home last night she was on the phone with somebody chatting and laughing, like she used to do with me. I suddenly woke up. I realize I need to know how far into this new woman she is! How do I find out without forcing a showdown, which I would lose at this point?

With my behaviour, I made her feel so distant and unimportant. I did vow to love her for a lifetime, and I treated her badly. I don’t want to lose her! I admit I’ve been a deadbeat. Should I face her down over this other woman?

— Still Loving Her Deeply, Fort Richmond

Dear Still Loving Her: Pull out all the stops and compete with this old ex, who’s trying to sneak back in. Be strategic, however. Instead of accusing her of cheating, and trying explain away your unloving behaviour in recent times, surprise her. Try to become the fun and romantic person she fell in love with.

Start by creating a new ambiance at home with surprises you create. Buy fun things for the yard like an oversized wading pool or a dining tent/gazebo to put up near the barbecue. String up summer lights (gold and pink look great in green trees) and find some new music to create new memories this summer. Do all this without being asked.

Because you are not very popular these days, ask old friends you know she likes to accompany you two out to dinners, shows, music festivals — anything to create a happy vibe.

Is it a risk to spend money and pour on all this charm? Not at all! Your personal “Love Boat” is about to sink if you don’t do something

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend invited his shoplifting sister who’s 18 to come to Winnipeg and live with us. She arrived with two big almost-empty suitcases a month ago. In the late morning every day, after she chows down two or three sandwiches, she goes out somewhere.

She comes home when it’s getting too hot outside and I’m still at home working my seven-hour day online for my job. I ask her “Where have you been?” and she always answers, “Out shopping.” Yeah, right.

Miss L., the clothes she brings home have tags dangling from them, and are never in real store bags. And the items don’t stick around her bedroom long enough for her to wear them. Yes, I snoop, and yesterday I finally accused her of shoplifting! She said, “Big deal, I can’t get a fancy job like yours.”

I stayed silent, but I was on a slow boil. I waited until she went out again, and then packed all her stuff. An hour before my guy came home I called around, and she was at her favourite auntie’s place, as I suspected. I told her not to come back here, and immediately sent her clothes over in a taxi.

When she got them, she phoned my boyfriend/her brother immediately. He’s mad because “she doesn’t have money or a job, and the least we could have given her was food, and a roof over her head!”

He’s deluded — that sweet, kindhearted man, but I can’t live with his relatives, who are sometimes in and out of jail. Should I leave him or hang in there?

— Not Loving His Family, Windsor Park

Dear Not Loving His Family: You may be able to find a way to tolerate your man’s relatives, but you certainly don’t have to live with them. Tell him you could be the one leaving, if he wants his sister back living with you. And make him aware of this risk: Should this little shoplifter get caught, the people she lives with may be suspect, too.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography