Seek clarity and face up to your unfaithfulness

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 05/07/2023 (1188 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I met a guy on a cruise ship recently who’s everything I ever wanted in a man, but have never had! He’s handsome, healthy, sexy, strong, hilarious and an adventurer.

Here’s the big problem: I’ve been married for 26 years, and my husband was on that cruise with me.

We’ve had a sexless marriage for the last eight years, due to his problem physically; he’s always been lazy about sex anyway.

He was asleep in the cabin when I went to the pool and ran into this attractive man. He really liked me. We swam and played together in the water — and talked and talked. He made it obvious he was interested, and hinted this was our chance! Instead of saying no, which I had done over the years as an attractive woman, I thought, “Who will know?” Turns out I know, and I feel horrible now!

All my life I was able to tell my husband I’d been true to him, and meant it. Now it’s a lie! Now, everything I say to him feels like a lie — even when I call him “dear” or “darling.” I never anticipated this feeling and I don’t know what to do. Should I confess? Please help!

— Hypnotized by Man on Holiday, Winnipeg

Dear Hypnotized: You have no choice but to confess when you’re being eaten by guilt, and it will also make you feel somewhat relieved. But then, the rest of the guilt will arrive — the guilt for shattering your husband. That won’t be so big, if he confesses he’s been unfaithful to you, too. But, if he hasn’t and he’s devastated, he may leave the relationship. Either way, the need to confess usually comes down to what a person simply can’t live with.

You might want to see a psychologist or marriage counsellor on your own, to get the situation all out on the table and analyzed so you understand it better. Then, talk to your husband. It isn’t fair to spring the cheating incident on him in your counsellor’s office, unless you fear he could be physically violent.

Here’s the underlying issue you should not ignore: Did you subconsciously make this move because you’ve secretly wanted out of the marriage, but thought there were no alternatives in this lifetime?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a young daughter who’s pregnant. She’s only 16 years old, and the guy who got her pregnant makes my skin crawl. He’s a 17-year-old kid who wears a hat on his head perfectly straight like a farmer. He rides a BMX bike all over the city, and wears those stupid mirrored sunglasses. The kid looks like a drug dealer, and I’d put good money on it.

I feel like a failure and I know for a fact when this baby is born, this “father” will be completely out of here — gone! He’s already ignoring my daughter’s calls and texts. What can I do? It takes everything in me not to hunt him down and beat him up. I want him to pay! He needs to learn some hard lessons.

— Don’t Mess With Me! North End

Dear Don’t Mess With Me: This 17-year-old boy messed with your daughter, not you, and seemingly with her consent! Does she think she loves him? You can only hope not.

The best thing you can do is look for supports for your daughter as she copes with this difficult teenage pregnancy. Her young friends will probably be scattering, as she’ll no longer be living the same lifestyle.

Encourage her to make contact with the Women’s Health Clinic (womens- healthclinic.org) or Klinic Community Health (klinic.mb.ca), where sympathetic professionals can guide her to the services she’ll need — medical, social and emotional. Your daughter is going through a difficult time, and needs your love and additional support, not extra angst because of your anger.

Of course you’re upset, but try to see the big positive here, and what you’re in danger of losing by being a hothead. You could end up with a beloved grandchild, if you do things right by your daughter, and that little person will likely think the world of you.

Do not alienate your pregnant daughter and send her running to this boyfriend’s family. “Baby daddy” may not want anything to do with the child, but his parents might really want to bond with the baby, and then how will you feel?

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography