Ex’s proximity won’t mean a thing with cool manner

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 08/06/2024 (858 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Three weeks ago my husband and I moved into a great apartment block, the tall high-rise I always wanted to live in. I could never afford it, before I met him. We were overjoyed to be setting up our love nest in the sky, and were bringing up the final loads of stuff together, in two different elevators.

At the last moment, this guy shoved himself into my elevator, saying he was in a hurry. The voice was familiar. I turned around and I was shocked to see it was my ex-boyfriend, from six years ago. I said, in my coolest voice, “Imagine meeting you here. Just visiting?”

He said, “Nope, I live here and obviously you are moving in here, too — my bad luck, as usual!” Then he got off, on the floor right before mine. I was so upset! I want him to move the heck out of here.

As soon as I got in the door, I said to my husband. “You’ll never guess who lives here on the floor beneath us.” He said, “I know already — your ex — no big deal, sweetheart. It’s a big block.”

Then he added, “I saw him yesterday and didn’t think it was worth mentioning. Is it bothering you?”

My face turned beet-red. I said, “Well, what if your old ex was living in this block on the floor beneath us?” and he said. “I’m so over that woman, it wouldn’t matter a bit.” Then he gave me a long, serious look, and walked out of the room. Now I’m really upset!

How do I convince my husband — the real love of my life — I don’t have any important feelings left for my disgusting ex? I just can’t stand him, and looking at him ruins my day!

— Deeply Upset Newlywed, downtown Winnipeg

Dear Upset: Your upset over your ex seemed like a suspiciously alive emotional reaction to your husband. Don’t spoil another minute of your new happiness with him. Rather than acting nervous when you run into your ex in the elevator or car park, say a bland, “Hello, nice weather today.”

Don’t ask any questions to further the conversation, and be on your way. The person who does not need to hear about you practising this cool civility, is your new husband. He’s already heard more than enough on this topic.

If he does ask, just say, “I got over that little hiccup in a hurry,” and hopefully it will be true.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a lesbian woman, in love with a bisexual, married woman. I have no business even talking to her, let alone touching her. I want her, and I can feel she’s interested in me.

We belong to the same charity and our eyes meet and stare deeply at different times when we’re doing a project. We always laugh at the same jokes. She sometimes winks at me, and finds little excuses to touch me.

Lately, I’ve been feeling it was only a matter of time. Then last week, she invited me to join her at her lake “sometime this month, before all the usual cottagers show up.” So, I’m going! My only problem is, what if I fall in love with her? I’m already half-way there. What if I’m just a fun experiment for her?

— Scared of My Feelings, North End

Dear Scared: If you can’t settle for a side-romance with this married woman, and you’re already feeling emotional about her, you could be headed for the deep end, without a life jacket.

You need to talk to this woman about her marital situation right now, on dry land. It may be her husband is OK with her having a casual girlfriend, or he might not have a clue it’s happening.

It’s also possible he has his own side romances, and sometimes they may share their adventures with each other. As a couple, they might ask you to join them for an experience like that. You would be the most vulnerable person in that situation, so be careful.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography