You can work through negative chapter together

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I packed up and finally came home from the cottage for Oct. 1, as I promised my husband. I was excited to see his handsome face again, but he gave me a chilly reception, because I’d stayed away “a whole, long month.”

I had told him earlier this summer that I had a deadline looming and had to wrap up writing my first novel. Without needing to cook and keep house for my helpless, old-fashioned husband, I was able to get my book done and I’m so proud! It’s all ready to send off now.

But my lug of a husband just greeted me with a grunt from the living room — no hugs, kisses or “It’s great you’re home! Can I bring in your stuff?” He just kept sitting in his recliner, pretending to read the paper.

I unpacked alone in the silent bedroom and then I started crying. When I came out, he saw my red eyes, but all he said was, ”What’s for dinner?” Then he got up to leave and said over his shoulder, “I’ll be back in two hours, and I hope you make something good for dinner.”

I suddenly realized I was 100 times happier with the company of chattering squirrels and the sound of lake. We used to be a fun couple, until he retired to do nothing. I’m quite active, by contrast.

He openly resents the fact that I’m passionate about my writing. I’m also into exploring different kinds of art techniques and dance with my girlfriends. He has bar friends and sports buddies I don’t know, and I don’t begrudge him that.

I just can’t live with him like this! He’s in a funk and always looking to cut me down to size. Part of me does still want to save my marriage, but he generally just sits there in front of the TV, and I hate it. We promised, “till death do us part,” but it feels like he’s half-dead now that he’s retired. What should I do?

— Married to a Lump, St. James

Dear Married to a Lump: First, the cottage fight needs to end. So, take a deep breath and encourage your husband to speak up about how he felt when you were away. If he says the month felt like a kick in the face, and you can see he’s still hurt and angry, then his feelings for you are still alive. That’s a good thing.

Let him know you didn’t realize he would feel so bad being alone, but explain to him how that arrangement made it possible for you to finish your book and what that means to you.

Tell him you still love him and you want to be closer again, but that things will have change in regard to his post-retirement funk. Ask him how he’d feel about finding some new interests to take part in together. Throw out five or six possibilities, after you’ve done some research into “creative retirement” activities.

New pastimes that intrigue you both could help get you past this negative spot, and onto an active and happier new path into a shared future.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new girlfriend is excited to take me to a big Halloween party with her many friends — in matching costumes. You know, like male and female skeletons, or a witch and warlock. Boring!

She says she’ll go out and find the costumes for us — and she’ll do all the work. No way! I love Halloween and I’ve always worn costumes created from my own ideas. I really don’t want to go in a matching pair costumes of her choosing. I’m already finding her too bossy.

What I really want to do is totally surprise her, by being dressed in my creation for the Halloween party — not her tame selection. What do you think and what should I tell her now?

— My Own Man, West Kildonan

Dear Own Man: Start by making this little speech: “I love Halloween, and although you may have had previous boyfriends who are too lazy to put a good costume together, I’m not one of those guys. I also don’t want to go as a matchy-matchy couple. I will surprise you in a good way with my costume, and promise I won’t embarrass you.”

She may or may not like this declaration of independence, but you’re at an important point in your new relationship, and this is the time to stand up and see what happens. Good luck with it!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.